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#377356 - 11/29/11 07:50 PM STD
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
I wonder how other spouses deal with this topic. If your spouse acts/has acted out, do you get tested on a regular basis? Do you ask your spouse to at least practice safer sex?

Ever since mine told me how careless about std many men he acted out with were, it freaks me out.


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#377362 - 11/29/11 09:02 PM Re: STD [Re: Shawushka]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Mine didn't use a condom in his affair and actually had the nerve to tell me the truth. And his lovely partner was a SKANK!!!! So I got tested twice in 3 months and so did he. In fact, I made him bring me the results both times. I like to think that I made an impression upon him but lets be honest, I am probably 100% deluded. I feel weird about asking him to use a condom with me because I feel like someone here needs to start trusting again - but I have to say I always think about it - and yes, he has to get tested every 3 months until I say so.


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#377660 - 12/02/11 01:26 AM Re: STD [Re: Shawushka]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
I insisted my husband be tested after learning of his infidelity with an affair partner and multiple prostitutes. I also was tested, but haven't yet gone for the follow up/6 month re-test out of sheer terror (and humiliation).

As for insisting he be tested in the future, I guess that's something to consider. Who's to say he won't cheat again? But, if I so greatly fear he will not be faithful, there's probably no marriage left to monitor anyway, huh?

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#377713 - 12/02/11 11:02 AM Re: STD [Re: herowannabe]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I feel the same as Esposa...wondering if I'm just deluded. I couldn't trust him with many things so how can I trust he was truthful about being tested? I am going to get tested again soon...I already got HPV from him (at least, the odds are that it was him though I admit I can't be sure) and I want to make sure I don't have something worse. Part of me wants to believe he wouldn't lie about it, but how can I believe a man who lied to me about other things and who treated me so badly in other ways? I don't want to be a fool.



Edited by hopeandtry (12/02/11 11:42 PM)

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#377719 - 12/02/11 12:02 PM Re: STD [Re: hopeandtry]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I feel this way all the time - like he risked my life, what would stop him from doing it again? My marriage is not worth more than my being alive to raise my children. But the condom thing is very insulting - and I just feel like I have to take a leap of faith.

Today he told me that he wants me with him forever. That's a very major major change.


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#377725 - 12/02/11 12:40 PM Re: STD [Re: Esposa]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
We both got tested. He says he used a condom but all women performed oral in him and him oral on 2 of the 4. HPV can be passed though kissing and skin contact (thighs, etc), and HPV is the most common STD. I desperately want to demand a condom but feel powerless to ask for fear of damaging our relationship more than he already has. Every funny discharge or previously unnoticed bump sends me spiraling into a meltdown. The testing was humiliating for me. I am al
Isn't 40 years old with 3 kids. I haven't slept with a single person other than him in16 years yet my gynecologist wouldn't chat w me or even look me in the eye.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#377734 - 12/02/11 01:38 PM Re: STD [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
My gyno was great. I was SOOOO humilated and scared and he was so kind and gentle. I could not even talk I was crying so hard. He told me that I wasn't alone and he kicked me some xanax too. He told me that relationships are worth fighting for and he also told me that I would be okay. I sat in the room next to the one where I had my ultrasound and found out that my last baby was to be a girl. My heart was broken.

I am so with you on the ANY SIGN OF ANYTHING stuff. If I have anything weird going on, I immediately collapse into a pile of self doubt and suspicion. Of course I have to internalize it because if I tell him, he will get frustrated (BLAH BLAH BLAH).


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#377794 - 12/02/11 09:09 PM Re: STD [Re: Esposa]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Hope, have you contemplated maybe seeking out another Dr.? I know it's tough and uncomfortable, but I worry that you won't get accurate care from your current doc if she/he won't even discuss it, no matter what the circumstances. You deserve informed consent, full information and reassurance in your own care.

I know this isn't lovely to hear, and I don't intend to minimize anyone's experiences at all, but please be aware of two things: 1: some STD's really can be dormant/asymptomatic for decades, and HPV is a biggie. I'm not sure (I'll check the CDC site in a bit) but I'm pretty sure the ability to test men for strains which can cause cervical cancer is just now on the horizon. The is a small chance that if you had unprotected play or intercourse with anyone prior to him, even years ago, that the cells can just now be developing enough to read abnormally on a pap. Other STI's also fall into a long latency period. Sometimes there isn't a definite way to know, unless you've been tested repeatedly in the interim (I assume you ahve and am pointing out for those who might have had more recent partners.)

2: If you ask for a standard STI panel to be done, many gyn's/clinics test only for "the big four" (chlamydia, syhphilis, gonnorrhea and trichomoniasis). HPV shows via pap, and HSVI and II, as well as hepatitis and HIV, have to be separately tested via blood draws for titers.

For me, the hardest part is the fear of the unknown, the knowledge that even more uncomfortable conversations may lie in store. Having accurate, current information about what's out there can ease things some and minimize fear a little. HTH some.


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#377796 - 12/02/11 09:10 PM Re: STD [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Oh! Here's the link for the main STI page on the CDC site.


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#377804 - 12/02/11 09:52 PM Re: STD [Re: Airmid]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I've had paps every year since I turned 18, and very few sexual partners. I read an article a few weeks ago that corroborate what you say about a test for men on the horizon. Men are almost always asymptomatic. My doctor is a man and I wonder if that makes a difference in his bedside manner. I probably looked distraught. The whole thing was a fog. I found out about he cheating on Sunday and was at the doctor's office on Tuesday morning. I was up all day Sunday and Monday reading about STI's because I couldn't sleep.

Maybe this is God's way of giving us greater sympathy for our partners who also had no say so in their own sexual health. My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he asked his step brother, the abuser, about the possibility of them contracting AIDS, it was just becoming a mainstream topic around that time. I don't have to imagine that horror, I'm living it.

I became celibate for religious reasons, but I enjoyed the respite from worrying about those things. I didn't know in marriage I'd have to revisit it and not even have celibacy as a viable option.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#377818 - 12/02/11 10:56 PM Re: STD [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I have had HPV since college - and I actually have the strain that causes cervical cancer. So maybe he gifted her more than he gifted me??



Edited by Esposa (12/02/11 10:56 PM)

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#377826 - 12/02/11 11:41 PM Re: STD [Re: Esposa]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
My HPV developed pretty quickly into abnormal cells which I had to spend a lot of money to have tested (colposcopy). While there is a slim chance I contracted it from the man I fooled around with before my ex, I rather doubt it as I only physical contact with that person twice (and if I did get something from him, it is likely that I also got it from my ex). No way to know for sure I suppose, but considering the many partners my ex had before me, not to mention the abusers, I'm guessing I got it from him. In any case, I will admit I can't be 100% sure, and I'm not angry with him about it even if I was sure because HPV is something pretty much everyone gets if they have more than one sexual partner (or a partner who has). What scares me is that I may have gotten something ELSE from him because he has been so dishonest that I feel I cannot even trust him in this matter. Even if he was honest, his memory is so bad (dissociation) that I don't know if he would accurately remember what he has or hasn't been tested for. Anyway, thankfully my HPV went away (at least that's what I was told) over time but I was told that before I slept with him once we tried to get back together a few months ago. So now I have to be tested again. Bleh.


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#377840 - 12/03/11 12:55 AM Re: STD [Re: hopeandtry]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
For HAT, how long before abnormal cells show up usually. IF hubby was telling the truth, it was 6 months after the last dalliance when I got tested. Next question is for HAT, how can it just go away , does your body just shed it? Did they tell you your strain? Next question Esposa , is your pap yearly or more often? Is there anything they can do to prevent it from becoming cancer? I'm due for an annual in a couple of months.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#377874 - 12/03/11 08:09 AM Re: STD [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
It is a virus so it never goes away, it just lays dormant and is activated by stress or sickness, stuff like that. When you get a pap, they should type your HPV if you are positive so you can look up what strain. The thing is, before the vaccine, 85% of all sexually active women will get some strain of HPV. Now, with the vaccine, that is changing for the dangerous strains.

I have to have a yearly pap and I did have cervical "cancerous" cells about 10 years ago but they did something called a LEEP where they skim the cervix and I have not had an irregular pap since. HPV is the kindest of all STDs wink


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#377892 - 12/03/11 09:47 AM Re: STD [Re: Esposa]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
I'm thinking it may be time for me to get tested every six months. (I became suspicious when I woke up this morning and am not in a good space, so take that statment as you will.)


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#377895 - 12/03/11 09:52 AM Re: STD [Re: Airmid]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Getting tested in humiliating. There is no point to test for HPV - it will show in an abnormal pap. Just make sure your gyno does the DNA typing of each pap smear. Are we having fun yet???


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#377902 - 12/03/11 09:59 AM Re: STD [Re: Esposa]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
The irony is that I had a partial hysto four years ago. (I like to call the cervical rebuild "my new-and-improved bionic cervix".

You know, we had an "open loop" marraige(open with full knowledge of other partners; I'm bi and used it an excuse to get intimacy elsewhere. I fully own how damaging that has been) for a while because I insisted on it when he was not speaking to me for weeks. It wasn't beneficial at all, and my testing last year was clean, but in the back of my mind is "what if he took that to mean he could get sex/contact from anyone and not tell me?"

I give up.


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#377909 - 12/03/11 10:26 AM Re: STD [Re: Airmid]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I want a bionic cervix and intimacy. Where do I order those?


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#377911 - 12/03/11 10:33 AM Re: STD [Re: Esposa]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
There's an app for that? I needed to laugh! tyvm!


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#378060 - 12/04/11 04:06 AM Re: STD [Re: GoodHope]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
This was one of the hardest things for me to accept and we still talk about it. He acted out. Didn't use a condom on some occasions. (with prostitutes in the Dominican Republic - Huge sex trade there!)
I told him "any prostitute that does not require you to protect HER, is ALREADY sick!" He says he felt untouchable.
I got tested (and still get tested, every 3 months I will) and he got tested.
He gave me Chlamydia, HPV (2 types) and that lovely std was the kind where I got my genital warts from. I see my GYN tomorrow about having them removed. I'm very lucky he didn't me HIV. He also admitted that he was treated for an STD about 8 years ago but never told me. Either he didn't give it to me OR I was on an antibiotic anyway. (I have a terrible immune system and have been sick off and on for the last 3 years so. He thought he may have gotten me sick at first. HE KEPT HIS MOUTH SHUT). There is no understanding any of this. HE put my life at risk due to his behavior. Sex addiction, CSA all this acting out. There is little reason to any of it. Just insanity when they don't get help.
**Let me note, NOT every survivor behaves this way! I've met some VERY honorable men on this site. Some VERY wise man told me. "CSA is not an excuse to be an idiot or stupid!" Not all men act out this way. Not all survivors use their wives as badly as my husband treated me.***

I do not believe he is honest about the last time he had unprotected sex but you can get HPV with a condom. And other STDs with condoms on. The fact that I have had 3 partners in my 44 years (one being my husband of the last 23+ years) I never even considered that I should be concerned about STDs or STIs EVER.

The unknown is the toughest part. Do not stick your head in the sand. Get tested, not just the standard ones. ALL of them. Make a list and tell your doctor. I went back 2 times to my GP. I've been to 2 GYNs and a urologist.
Your husband is not protecting you, didn't protect you and you should not expect that he will. You must protect yourself. I talked to my GP/GYN all the while balling my eyes out. Be open and honest. If your doctor is not sympathetic to your plight. FIND ANOTHER ONE.

Remember to some of these men, protecting the secret life, living a double life is second nature to them. They LIE! They just lie. You can love him AND not trust him.

As far as I'm concerned you can trust God, your mama and yourself with your life.

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#378101 - 12/04/11 12:09 PM Re: STD [Re: Anniemy4sons]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
(Only some people can't even trust mama.)

I just double-checked and the Center for Disease control states that the body will naturally clear HPV within two years in 90% of the cases. However, the same site states that there is no general test for one's "HPV status." I was told that I had HPV after my pap showed abnormal cells. After my colposcopy, they said the cells were not bad enough to do anything. I had a follow up pap six months later which was normal. My doctor after that told me there was no HPV in the follow up pap when she called my old doc to get the records. Perhaps she meant the cells were okay or something, but really the whole thing is confusing. Anyway, I am going to get tested fairly soon and will ask then. They say you don't have to get a pap every year anymore if the last one was normal, but due to what I've been exposed to, I don't trust that. They say that because abnormal cells in the cervix usually grow really slowly, so even if you develop another problem I guess they assume they'll still catch it even if you only come once every three years or whatever the new rule is.


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#378102 - 12/04/11 12:10 PM Re: STD [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Also, someone asked how long my test showed up abnormal after I was with my ex...I think my abnormal pap was in October and the last time I'd seen my ex that time was in July. However, we'd been together the September before THAT, so it may have taken longer to show up.


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#384498 - 02/05/12 09:26 PM Re: STD [Re: GoodHope]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Bumping an older topic up, but this kept sticking in my head and I have to get it off my chest.

"Mine didn't use a condom in his affair and actually had the nerve to tell me the truth. And his lovely partner was a SKANK!!!!"

First of all, I applaud your husband for being so honest and telling you that he didn't use a condom. Not telling or even lying about it, is far worse. I think your guy deserves some credit.
Skank? I think, we shouldn't judge others. It's okay to be mad at the woman your partner slept with, it's normal and natural to have some anger. But to name the woman a skank (or worse) is not nice.


"I feel weird about asking him to use a condom with me..."
Just using yours here as an example, since others have said it too. Maybe I'm a tad bit selfish, but when it comes to STDs, I won't be the first one to trust again.
For me, it's condoms. No condom, no sex. It's as simple as that and I won't put my health at stake.
This is imho far too serious.
I also get tested every six months and told my partner that if he's not doing anything, then there's no big deal about getting tested.

Funny enough, I never felt awkward about getting tested and in Europe my doctor was always supportive. Never asked too many questions but appraised the mentality of 'better safe than sorry'.
Now living in rural America I've had the most awful experience, still makes my blood boil.
For the testing I now go to Planned Parenthood, which has great staff who are respectful and supportive.

Go and get tested and use condoms, please. It's your health and your life that is at stake.


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#384516 - 02/05/12 11:03 PM Re: STD [Re: Shawushka]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
Skank? I think, we shouldn't judge others. It's okay to be mad at the woman your partner slept with, it's normal and natural to have some anger. But to name the woman a skank (or worse) is not nice.


I've got to defend Esposa in this. Yup, calling someone a skank isn't nice, but you've got to call 'em as you see 'em.

A woman who would steal from my husband what belongs to me, his wife, and a woman who would selfishly sell herself to my husband is indeed a skank. And that is the nicest, kindest, most gentle thing to call her. I won't shock anyone with the things I've called them.

The names may not be "nice", but I DO pray for those women. I pray they will stop participating in things that kill the souls of so many. I pray they will come to value themselves and will do something good for others instead of going through life taking and leaving behind utter destruction. I pray for my enemies, and they ARE my enemies.

I don't judge anything other than that which has been thrust into my life for me to weigh and judge. As for true judgement, they should count their blessings that God is the untimate judge, not me.

Lord, grant me a forgiving heart.
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#384565 - 02/06/12 11:12 AM Re: STD [Re: herowannabe]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Well, I object to statements like "stealing a husband". Those husbands have their own free will, and even though the woman probably tried her best to entice him, the husband could've said "no" at any point.
It's indeed easier to project your anger on someone else, than on your own husband who you love and who you want to be perfect.
It's also in our culture, to condemn women who pursue. We're still supposed to sit in the corner, be clean, holy, saint and all that. We certainly shouldn't actively seduce men, let alone the men of others.

And calling a prostitute a 'skank' is something I find simply despicable. Very few women are selling themselves do this because it's so much fun. Many have a history of abuse, neglect,rape etc. Those are human beings who deserve our empathy, love and support.
And again, who forced the husband to sleep with any of those women?

My husbands a lovely guy, but when I found out he cheated on me, I blame him. I don't even care who he slept with, cause that person doesn't contribute anything to the story. My husband did it, he took the decision, he did the act. He gets my full load of anger and hurt.


For me I've never seen them (nor all the men my husband slept with) as enemies. My only true enemy is the man who is my husbands perpetrator and caused so much damage.


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#384598 - 02/06/12 04:56 PM Re: STD [Re: Shawushka]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
And calling a prostitute a 'skank' is something I find simply despicable.


I find it despicable for you to resurrect an old post for the purpose of scolding another whose choice of words don't meet with your approval. Be it a paid whore or a non-paid whore, they, in concert with our husbands, have assaulted us. We didn't get the romp in the sack, though our household funds paid for it, but many of us got the disease as a remembrance! "Whore" is a widely-used term for a prostitute, but "skank" sounds nicer, don't you think?

Quote:
Very few women are selling themselves do this because it's so much fun. Many have a history of abuse, neglect,rape etc. Those are human beings who deserve our empathy, love and support.


The supporters you've attacked carry rage for the pedophile who abused our loved one AND the whores our husbands may have used AND our husbands who so woefully betrayed us. Most of us are doing all we can to be kind and supportive of our husbands. Demanding we be "nice" in how we refer to our husband's whores is, at this point, a bit too much to ask of a human being made of flesh and blood. But thank you very much for pointing out how lacking in humanity we remain.

I would just ask you to show respect for a supporter's pain. If you can't be supportive regardless of where we are in our journey of forgiveness and healing, at least rally support for prostitutes (both paid and unpaid) elsewhere.

With Gratitude-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#384602 - 02/06/12 06:15 PM Re: STD [Re: herowannabe]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
I think you totally missed my point.
This is not about "rallying support for prostitutes" - I was merely trying to point out a different point of view and that these women are not in there for the fun. All I was rallying for was empathy and understanding.

Think of the allegory with victims/survivors. How are we, the partners, able to forgive the cheating, lying and betrayal? By looking at the bigger picture, by understanding the victim's issue, by educating ourselves. It would be so easy to say "you cheated on me and I will leave you and I don't care for whatever reason you did it."

Understanding 'why' helps us to leave the grudge behind, to move on and not be left full of hatred.

The same accounts for those women. Asides from that I always think we should all keep dignity and self-respect and respect others as human beings just the way we want to be respected.

Anyways, I didn't intend to personally attack you and on the internet it's always slippery slope how postings are perceived.
So I'll just leave it.







Edited by Shawushka (02/06/12 06:27 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling mistakes

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#384663 - 02/07/12 05:35 AM Re: STD [Re: Shawushka]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
I got tested immediately and required that he do the same. He thought he was "teflon" even AFTER he got an std & was treated. Do not trust his response "I don't have an STD". Prove it. Look at the results with your own eyes.

My husband gave me several STDs and I didn't know what they were. He lied repeatedly. I now have to be tested on a 3 month basis and I am currently being treated for HPV genital warts. Its a painful procedure. (They use an acid to burn off the warts and destroy their DNA so it will stop spreading).
Even after disclosure he had symptoms of an STD and kept his mouth shut for weeks!

This is your life! He doesn't value himself enough to protect his own, he won't protect yours.

Do not ASK him to practice safer sex. TELL him if he acts out ... consequence. (for my husband he's out!) If you are unsure, don't let him touch you.

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#384683 - 02/07/12 09:53 AM Re: STD [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Oh dear ((hugs)) Annie, that sounds horrible.
Here's a link of Planned Parenthood, with tons of information about STDs and STIs. There is also a search function to find a center near you.
I've used them for getting tested and was so impressed with their attitudes, how they work and all the great work they do.


http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/stds-hiv-safer-sex-101.htm


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#384803 - 02/07/12 09:16 PM Re: STD [Re: Shawushka]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
WOW...

Ok, she's a skank and I am going to qualify it. I have known her for 8 years and heard all the details of her one night stands throughout Europe, her desperate attempts to steal other friends' husbands, her unprotected sex with the hope of having a baby.... and since I heard it all first hand, I am sticking with my original assertion.

Oh yeah, and we have had her family for Thanksgiving and she broke bread with my kids and then slept with their father. Skank? Hmmmm.... I would say SKANK was going easy on her.

Is it her fault? NOPE. She was not committed to me, he was. Is she a skank? FOR SURE.


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#384806 - 02/07/12 09:32 PM Re: STD [Re: Esposa]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
One other thought.... understanding WHY, has given him some time on my clock. But it certainly has not eased my pain. In fact, knowing he was hurt only increases my pain. I am not sure a single one of us walk around and say, WELL THANK GOD I KNOW THE REASON.

And BTW, as many a conversation on here has shown, CSA does not make men cheat. CSA messes with coping mechanisms, but it sure as hell does not guarantee that a survivor will give themselves permission to violate our trust.

We may use the abuse as a way to protect our egos, in conversations, in therapy, in our social circles. But the reality is that my pain is my pain.


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#384953 - 02/08/12 06:17 PM Re: STD [Re: Esposa]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Originally Posted By: Esposa

Ok, she's a skank and I am going to qualify it. I have known her for 8 years and heard all the details of her one night stands throughout Europe, her desperate attempts to steal other friends' husbands, her unprotected sex with the hope of having a baby.... and since I heard it all first hand, I am sticking with my original assertion.


So if your friend had been a saint and lived the life of a nun, would that have made the cheating less painful? Would you then go round and say 'my husband cheated on me with this wonderful, saintly woman?'

Originally Posted By: Esposa

Oh yeah, and we have had her family for Thanksgiving and she broke bread with my kids and then slept with their father.

That is indeed disgusting. Looks indeed like a person who has no scruples at all and it's understandable that you are angry at that.

Originally Posted By: Esposa
One other thought.... understanding WHY, has given him some time on my clock. But it certainly has not eased my pain. In fact, knowing he was hurt only increases my pain. I am not sure a single one of us walk around and say, WELL THANK GOD I KNOW THE REASON.


Each of us deals with this reason differently. I found it very helpful to know the reasons that caused his behaviour and it did lessen my pain. Knowing why he did all the things he did helped me to get rid of my anger. Had I not learned the reasons, it would have been impossible for me to stay.
But now that the cat is out of the bag, any more cheating can not be 'justified'.




Edited by Shawushka (02/08/12 06:20 PM)

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#384982 - 02/08/12 09:24 PM Re: STD [Re: Shawushka]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I did not say that it made the cheating more painful because she was a skank - I only said she was a skank wink It would have been painful either way. I was merely commenting on the facts of the matter. If I think about it, it makes it easier I suppose that she was such a skank, because it makes it more clear to me that he never intended a real relationship.

And I agree with FINAL NOTICE - this is the one and only chance wink


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