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#376410 - 11/21/11 11:18 PM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: JustScott]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
This is a very good and complex topic for me.
As a survivor i can't tell you how messed up it has been. SEX is the sun around which everything revolved. But it wasn't really about sex. It was and still is a problem of intimacy. I think acting out is not about sex, it's about controlling something in our life. Yes there is a sex act involved , but that is because we were trained that way. I don't act out but i may still use porn.
Sex and intimacy for me have always been in the past that dirty part inside that you did not share with anyone. That secret place you went to hide from reality. Sex was that inpure thing that you do. While the rest of your being has to remain pure in thoughts and acts. Of course it doesn't work like that. It's been about trust, about the ability of letting go, of being intimate (not necessarily with sex). Those are big obstacles. Sexual preferences? well we all have our quirks, fantasies, but you set some healthy boundaries i guess. I am discovering that sex is fun, silly even and really good to get two people close. And then there are times when i'm a 10 year old in the body of an adult and i can't. All bets are off. Not sure what triggers it, but sex is off the table then.

I hope this helps

Anthony

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#376431 - 11/22/11 02:19 AM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: Anthony39]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Im starting to discover this myself, I'm pretty much the same way in this department.
I used to constantly obsess about it, but its alot better now
I can't wait till I have a beautiful girl hangin around, you know just being sweet and all.
The mood is calm, I'm not obsessing about sex, and then, BAM! We get busy lol.

*sigh*
Sorry lol

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#376442 - 11/22/11 10:57 AM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: kinghenri]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Anthony your explanation is EXCELLENT! Thank you so much. I know how much my husband loves me so I wasn't worried if we had sex or not. No pressure. I figured when he was ready he would let me know. I am going to have him read this because you said it so well.

I know it is hard to deal with infidelity even knowing the CSA. It's hard no it's impossible to believe that it's not about you...but it really isn't.


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#376475 - 11/22/11 01:56 PM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: Gretta]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
It is difficult dealing with infidelity. I'm on the receiving end of that situation. It makes you feel so betrayed. But I don't think it's an excuse, CSA or not we still make choices. My wife chose to do what she did. we will see what happens. I am responsible for my own behaviour. Gretta don't loose yourself in your husband's pain, you are not a martyr, you have boundaries too , you have to be respected.

Anthony

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#376565 - 11/23/11 08:53 AM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: Anthony39]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thanks Anthony you are right! Now that all is revealed there is absolutely no tolerance for infidelity. There will be no more slip ups! It's hard to not lose yourself when someone you love more than anything is suffering. But he is adult, we have identified and are treating CSA and now has the tools to make the right decisions. I have proved my love for him and now it's his turn to step up to the plate. He either can or can't.

Ironically in between the flashbacks and bad memories he is happier than he ever was.


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#376568 - 11/23/11 09:59 AM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: Gretta]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
"Sex and intimacy for me have always been in the past that dirty part inside that you did not share with anyone. That secret place you went to hide from reality. Sex was that inpure thing that you do.'
Wow, Anthony, that really hit home from me. I think that is why my husband chose to act out with masturbation, hookers, phone sex and anonymous men. Other people who don't judge who are as wounded as he is, at least that is what i think of with my husband. And with me, he was not able to ejaqculate. Could only ejaculate with them. WTF is that about?

Henri,
I have read and watched a few of the videos you posted. God bless you! You are much stronger and more courageous than you give yourself credit for. You will find a women who will appreciate that about you. And your honesty.....wow. You are a catch, you just don't know it yet. I am sure there are other wives and S/O's on here who would also say we wish our husbands had that ability to articulate and be honest like you do.

You have much to offer and don't forget it.

Anthony, so sorry about the infidelity. We all deal with it and it SUCKS, to put it mildly. That pain is something we never want to have to experience again or actually never thought I would be dealing with. Ugh.


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#376581 - 11/23/11 11:30 AM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: lucylives]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
Lucy about the WTF.

I can only tell you what I feel myself, this may not apply for your husband.
I stopped looking at my wife as a woman, I saw her as a wife, a mother, again with that sense of purity i felt towards that role. I myself played the role of the husband and father without the intimacy and sexuality. It was all 2 dimensional. Sex was separate, I could play the sex guy but my mind wasn't in it. To be blunt it was like masturbation. It changed only when i started dealing with the csa. I could start being myself and explore my needs. That being said I always have had a strong sex drive . But sex is something to be shared and enjoyed, and with intimacy it is even better.
I hope this helps.

Anthony

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#377351 - 11/29/11 07:34 PM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: Anthony39]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Very interesting post, thanks for starting this topic!
My husband is very needy in the social/emotional department which at first I thought was so sweet. After his csa was dislosed I wondered how much of it is really him and how much the result of the abuse.
He constantly needs to be physically close, touching, hugging, kissing. He's unable to deal with distance to the excess that he doesn't even give me room in the bed to sleep, he must cuddle up, hug me tightly.

What you write about sex is also something I recognize. My needs are always addressed first, I must come first, the sex must be incredibly enjoyable for me. His needs come second. It's impossible for him to just lean back and enjoy, he seems unable to receive.
In general I'd rate our sex life as good, but these are issues that make me think every once in a while.


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