A man I deeply respect told me recently, abuse is reacted to differently by it's victims. Victims are sensitive to varying degrees.
What does that mean for me?

I have been searching for the difference between my siblings, the children I meet at school and worship, and those I have met, and me. Why can I only become close to those who would use me? Lie to me? Abuse me? Control me? Destroy me? The answer is, that I am a HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON, and those who would do me the most damage are the ones who flatter me. While some are not as sensitive to the same degree, others manipulate my sensitivity for their own gratification.

This IS the beginning, for me. The difference, the bridge... recovery endgame.., the beginning of V.I.C.T.O.R.Y:

• I am sensitive to favoritism with my siblings
• I am sensitive to rewards they receive that I did not
• I am sensitive to rewards that were better than mine
• I am sensitive to rude and cruel remarks from my siblings and parents(specific)
• I am sensitive to rude and cruel remarks from students, shop keepers, teachers, and relatives
• I am sensitive to my own failings and mistakes
• I am sensitive to negative thoughts, feelings and actions by myself and others, especially others.
• I am sensitive to my children, their feelings, wants and actions.
• I am sensitive to my wife favoring the children in discipline and rewards over my sensitivity
• I am sensitive to others receiving promotions, raises, awards over me.
• I am sensitive, I will use catastrophizing to stop beneficial activity.
• I am sensitive to abuse, and think it is supposed to happen to me, in light of all the insensitive unfairness surrounding me.

The Highly Sensitive Person
Elaine Aron is a writer of "The Highly Sensitive Person" and speaker in awareness for this trait. SPS, or Highly Sensitive Person, HSP, affects 15-20% of the population. She has been doing research since 1991 on the topic, and her last work was in 2010.

This is it brothers, THE KEY; the final piece of the puzzle. I can string all the other variables, my feelings of unfairness, rejection and abandonment and why the abuse destroyed me. This is the piece I have been waiting for all of my life.

I am a Highly Sensitive Person:

• I internalize every remark, and respond slowly to change
• I understand on a deeper, more vibrant and intense level
• I more quickly consume my resources to process inputs, inside and external
• I am aware of the negative much more acutely than others
• I am subject to a longer process, and I need time to produce a more indepth and well thought out approach
• I have value and cannot be rushed into a decision, or I can be robbed of confidence and value

In this new awareness, I will not be anxious when I consider a matter thoroughly and completely. I do not need to "jump in" with hastily concocted answers. I am not "slow", I am competent.

Wide open and fearless!

Sam

Wow that must feel like a revelation I can imagine! That must have been a long and very hard process to feel and connect to it.

Deep respect for you Sam!

Thanks JaapVisser,

This journey to healing has taken many turns. The one consistent thing in it is the clarity and the relief. I came from a dark, fearful place, so it was not all "yellow brick road". I had anxiety, days in bed, anger episodes, actually I slept a great deal of my depression away in the year plus I was off work. But the relief, the endurance, the persistence.., it kept coming, getting stronger, more present in my life. I felt better and better!

Keep going, keep wanting it, keep defining who you are and how to get them out!

Thank you JV, this feels SO good!

Sam this is great stuff. I can now understand more of why I do things differently than everyone else. For along time I thought I was lossing my mind but this puts things in a new light Thanks Mike

Thanks Mike,

Yeah I feel that too. I AM different, and that is what makes me unique. I can find the guides, the research and the information I need to continue to be successful in this recovery, in victory and in my life!

Keep recovering my sensitive friend, we need more of us!

Sam

Sam,

This is very insightful and meaningful. This explains alot.

Thanks for posting it.

Avery

Hey Avery, thanks man,

I hope this encourages new processing towards refreshment, fellow survivor, it has in my victory!

Sam,
Thank you for sharing what you have in this post. When I am down and troubled and i feel that the road ahead is long and just made of mud and it just takes everything I have to take that next step, I will reflect back on what you have posted.

You are an amazing man.

Be Strong,
Scot

Scot,

Reflection, ahh.., a trip through the healing process, some of our finest moments, nice. My fellow survivor, what you need on that road is a monster truck 4 wheel drive! Scot, understanding sensitivity as a powerful, positive trait in us helps the road to get smoother and straighter. We find balance in limiting ourselves in the processes that do not need the raw emotional "heart" we put into abuse recovery. We realize that appropriate levels let's us interact with people, places and things around us without using up all of us.

Reflect, refresh, renew and recover Scot, those mud-in-your-boots days help us know how wonderful clear, sunny solid roads feel, on the few occasions that we see 72 and sunny. But we do, every so once in a while, we do..,

Sam

Amazing post. the catasrophizeing events to avoid getting better REALLY hit home. I have newly embarked on this journey. You words have helped thank you.

Wow.... glad someone found and bumped this!

I am a Highly Sensitive Person:

I internalize every remark, and respond slowly to change - YES
I understand on a deeper, more vibrant and intense level - YES
I more quickly consume my resources to process inputs, inside and external - YES
I am aware of the negative much more acutely than others - YES
I am subject to a longer process, and I need time to produce a more indepth and well thought out approach - YES
I have value and cannot be rushed into a decision, or I can be robbed of confidence and value - YES

This makes so so much sense. And fits with what my T once told me. She said I was more in touch and connected with my feelings than any other male client she had ever had.

I think I'm going to look this subject up and dig deeper.

Wow, this is quite revealing and very telling. I took a few moments to conduct some research and had an AHA! moment. After reading Dr. Elaine's de>

I also am in this category. I am a HSP and probably an SPS too.

Even when I was a college student I was like that. It's OK. In fact it's probably a good quality.

The results of this first personality test I took when I was about 19 years old said that I rated high in this category. It has been confirmed a bunch of times. The professional who explained the test to me said that it was a good quality but that it probably means I get "kicked in the face a lot".

One of the down sides of it at least for me is that I formed strong reactions to people with sociopathic or narcissistic personalities. I was deeply hurt by people with those personality types and so my interpersonal radar alarm goes off very quickly with them.

But I'm of the opinion that kids (and adults) need to be taught how to recognize sociopathic and narcissistic personalities. This isn't just my idea, I found it in a book by a T. The name of the book is: The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout. This is a well-written book and she gives some convincing examples of how people have been hurt by sociopaths.

http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/

According to this and other books I have read, there are lots of sociopaths out there. They make up 10% - 15% of the population. They are often in controlling positions. They are the bosses and the controllers. They are good actors. So you see them in a lot of the advertising clips on TV.

Puffer

Tree, catastrophizing was my personal favorite. I found a degree of satisfaction knowing that in my head at least, I would destroy them and end my pain in one fell swoop.., delicious. It got to the point where all I was doing was "ending" myself, but my survivor would not allow me to complete that process thankfully. Knowing I am sensitive to processing inputs has supported recovery in that I must heal from the damage of the abuse in order to perform in the present with success and dare I say, comfort? I can assure you Tree, keep on this path and you will incrementally and steadily, succeed.

@JustScott, what have you found!?!! Let's review the book together! Need a study partner? Pick me, pick me!

and

@Daniel... same offer, it sounds like you have connected with the SPS/HPS trait, let's work through it together!

Allen, my favorite Mod ;)(shameless flattery) Indeed we are polar opposites to sociopaths and narcissists, so we are hyper aware of them. Unfortunately, that also means we can obsessively watch them when they come into our radar, and may even be won over by them in our defensive posture. What better way to describe the perpetrators than with those two definitions?

Good actors, definitely! No, not all of them are perpetrators, but they have a facade I am uncomfortable with, and can be bamboozled into succumbing to it's charm.

Let's learn together!
Sam

Holly cow Sam, I’m also SPS. This is like eureka to me.
Actually couple of last months I’ve been looking for answers to my problems which were showing when I’m in crowded place. That is particularly evident when my huge family has gathering and when they start to talk publicly about some of our personal issues. The thing is that I’m fully aware of feelings of other people (my siblings and family members), their characteristics and momentary moods. So I’m completely lost when I’ve seen that someone who can’t understand other because he/she is not in proper mood is trying to give some lecture and advice on some personal issue and somehow by doing so is lifting emotions of all pople involved. Now can you imagine bunch of 5 to 10 adult people plus some kids at one place and they are all like that? Such behavior is very common in my family. They are very loud people who are talking at same time and about everything what could be on plate: from high politics, education and state of world economy to some personal issues. Off course usually there are even talks on edge of fight and that is completely common occurrence. Because of that in time of family gathering I’m overwhelmed by their states of minds, and sometimes their inabilities to cope with each other and themselves. No matter what I’ve tried I’m fully aware that I’m on many scales above in awareness and actually I can’t talk to them on equal terms. Now I know why I’m so sensitive in such “loud” environment.

Some negative aspects: because of that I was let say left alone by my self when I was kid of 5-6 years. My parents were in some cultural way conservative and I’ve had feeling that there are some things that are not allowed being asked by small child. I was felt like I'm not clever enough or smart enough if I would ask some question related to sex things as small boy; I was left feeling like I was not competent to understand adult things by answers of my parents. Because of that I never talked to them about abuse and other personal issues – comon trait to many survivors. I was thinking that my parents where in some way immature and not ready for rising children. Those were my thoughts (as 6 year old boy) when I would ask seriously for something and didn't got any logical answer. Because of that I'm furious when I see parents who are not interested to talk to children about all issues openly and when they treat child as someone who can't understand a thing.

Some positive aspects: I’m enjoying nature even if I’m living in big city. When I’m on street I’m always looking for even smallest signs of nature left surrounded by concrete and steel. So I can tell you when and where hawks are nesting (on couple sky scrapers were I’m passing by to my work), where you can find ponds full with tadpoles, fishes and other species. I can find and I know in what time of year there are berries or fruits in parks and bushes. City area is like map in my head for which I’m collecting puzzles of islands and patches of green and some wild life left. I don’t have to tell you that I’ve regularly walked through almost all city by foot in search for some nature. It is great feeling to know every corner around.

At the end I’ll conclude that I’m mainly overwhelmed by noisy people and people who are too nervous and especially if they are aggressive to others. For that reason narcissist people I can’t stand and if I spot some (and I can almost “scent” them) I’m moving as far as possible, we are two completely different worlds.

This is really some discovery and I’ll try to find more about this subject.
Be Well!!!
Pero

Welcome Pero, to our budding SPS group!
The family gatherings with the loud arguments about politics to work too personal issues are very triggering. It would be very difficult to try interact as a sensitive child as young as 6 years old in that environment, certainly one would feel shut out.
Searching out nature in the most metallic and industrial settings is a favorite past time of mine as well. Birds, animals, flowers, water, sunsets and rises, these all help me to disconnect from being overwhelmed. Additionally it helps need to be self aware, to monitor myself and make sure I'm stable, healthy and balanced.
I hope you share some of your perspective of nature in your city I would enjoy reading those as well as how this encourages your recovery and stability.

It is wonderful to know that there are more of those who are sensitive when processing surrounding senses. We are not broken, and others need to respect our timing our depth and our beauty.

Sam

Sam,

I have been "working" on the SPS for a few years. It was just a couple of months ago when you wrote about this in such a clear manner.

Even the mention of a being apart of a family or being apart of a group brings pangs of abandonment.

I can focus more on the happenings of life as being wonderful just as my life and those around me as being wonderful.

I am open to new experiences.

Peace,
Avery

I celebrate the enormity of the success you have conveyed in your post, Avery, well done! It is a struggle to be open and accepting of our surroundings without feeling panic and imminent destruction, that makes the victory so much sweeter!

May you continue to savor delicious moments in the winner's circle, fellow survivor!

Thank for bringing this subject up. Sam thank you very much for sending me those links can't wait to read the books . I have been reading all day and WOWSERS!!! The stuff I'm reading is Awesome! Thank you! definitely qualify! for the past 5 years I have been trying to turn this thing in my head off it has caused me tons of problems. Seeing the world differently then others is not that great when you are the only one. When I was in the 7th grade I was kicked out of the school. we were in a beach camping trip during this time i was mesmerized with the ocean waves i tried to explain to my classmates that the waves looked like giant fluffy dogs wich i was naming snow ball, the kids got freaked out and they game me such a hard time during that year they would pretend to faint in classes, or scream when I came into the room I was causing such a disturbance that the school counselor asked my parents to remove me from the school.
I have always been able to see things before they happened, or to know when some one is lying or hiding something, when someone is in pain or hurt or in trouble. Its like I can see deep into someone's heart without knowing them I know if they are good or bad, it has gotten so bad that somethimes I want to run from someone or just by meeting someone I want to hug them to tell them it's going to be ok. I stop myself in all occasions but I don't like the feeling I thought I was crazy hence the reason why I want to shut it off.
Do any of you ever get the feeling that your wishes or needs come true, not the wants but the stuff that you really have to have? For example I was trying to explain this to a friend of my once while we where in a hotel top floor I had been a ruff day of course he never believed half the stuff I told him but on this day we were together and I told him I needed to go down to the bottom floor to get a cookie or something with sugar I was feeling really down we took the elevator and a third of the way down the elevator opens and a sweet lady steps and and she offers me get this cookies my friend cracks up. We get off the elevator and my friend is laughing like crazy and I tell him, I still need to go get milk or water or something I can't have the the cookies without some kind of liquid just then the elevator opens and a room service guy gets out and offers us water and juices left from some party. My friend freaks! Things like this happen to me all the time but only with the things I really need!
Do any off you find that sometimes the universe is screaming to you to do something or buy something you don't know the reason you just know that you have to no matter how crazy and erational it may seem only to discover that it was something that would come into play in the next few hours or next few days and then it makes sense? Just curious?

Wow what a fantastic experience tohui. I have had some amazing coincidences in my life, but that beats anything I have seen. SPS'ers do have an insight because we "see" with our emotions and are able to identify how a certain emotion looks on another. When we address that with the person, we are speaking to their heart and that can be uncommon and uncomfortable, although this can also be welcome.
As we recover and become assertive, we find rewards in choosing to reach out and comfort others. It can be very satisfying.
Thank you for sharing,
Sam

Wow Sam,

I just discovered this post and i am so glad you posted it. I can see that I am that sensitive person and not a freak.

I get so much here. Always learning and growing. This came at a good time. I needed to hear it.

take care

peace

paul

Hello Paul, I was just thinking about you, and now you posted here, that is a good feeling.

I am very glad you are continuing your recovery relief by constantly looking for new ways to reason and mature in healthy ways.

SPS or HSP, Highly Sensitive Person, is certainly an eye opener for me. Knowing that I have an emotional response that is triggered quickly and strongly helped me to create awareness for it, and calm myself. It has been a learning experience, and my wife noted that this period of recovery has been remarkable.

Let me know how this impacts your recovery, ok?

Sam

Cha Bra...I just discovered this as well. Why didn't you put it some place where I would have seen it, or maybe you could have posted it sooner...like back in November or something...cuz this is good stuff. I think we need to work on this!

Quick note here: I find that these types of posts, these little (or large) golden nuggets of wisdom are just amazingly powerful. They provide great leaps forward in my recovery. Everyone needs to keep them coming.

I tend to just bitch-n-moan here at MS. But the guys who relate true gold --- true substance back to The Brotherhood are truly contributing to healing.



See! Not alone either.

"Sherman, set the WABAC machine for November, and bring along the SPS post".

PS. Rob, I have seen you running through MS with golden nuggets falling from your tipped bag as well. I am not too proud to say I have picked up a few.

Sam

...and I run with scissors too...

Sam,

Your post gave me new perspective and outlook on why I do some of the things I do.

I thought my sensitivity was more proof that I am not a real man. I believed the societal stereotype that I had to be rough, tough, and insensitive to feelings in order to be a real man.

I stopped following that stereotype a long time ago, but your post helped me see that I am OK, and that i am also not alone. We are not alone here and I appreciate all of the great wisdom i get here from the site and from the great men who are helping me to survive and thrive.

If you ever get any new info on this subject, i would really like to hear about it, as I want to read more on it.

take care bro, and thanks for thinking of me, that made my week man.

peace

paul

SAM, You have given me hope with this. I am new here and you have also welcomed me. Thank you very much!