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#37746 - 06/08/03 02:57 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Victor,
Peace bro. I was set off by your emoticons in your first reply in this thread. Don't sweat my issues with your choice of self expression, it's not a big deal to me. Thanks but you didn't need to say yer sorry. hehe, I'll survive.

James and All,

Beyond the word/symbol issue in this thread, I wonder if this subject isn't more about the following:

1) Feeling frustrated or a stronger adjective that one know's something is wrong inside, but don't have a clue what to do about it.

2) Can't find the answer(s) that make any difference on the bottom line of feeling something better then totally focked up.

3) Being unable to change one's feelings, thoughts and behavivors.

4) Feeling trapped, hopeless, dispairing of any possible better future.

5) Can't find effective outside help/support/therapies.

Maybe I'm off the track here, or maybe this belongs in a separate new post. It seems that beyond the expressions of our experiences/stories, that the scales here on the board and the chat room when I went there are not balanced. That those here that are in a continuing state of not getting better, for lack of a better term, far outweigh those who are making effective improvements in the overall condition of their lives.

Comments? This is my frustration mostly? Whatever, it begs the question of how to bite the beachball of the points above.

jer


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#37747 - 06/08/03 07:14 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
I realized that the words of the 6 or 7 therapists that I was sent to between the age of 7 and 22, were hardly pointing to the truth that alluded me for the rest of my life. They became like a little dance around the truth to further confound me to sooth and placate this petulant child. I hated their words they were worse than meaningless their mannerisms drove me nuts faining interest and projecting superior knowledge
Thad, I agree completely with you there. It's a danger for any professional to fall into the habit of using the same words and phrases repeatedly to someone, it does wear thin and they lose all meaning. They sound like a quiz show catchphrase.

But if a good therapist leads you to finding these words and phrases for yourself then they mean something to you. Even if they have been used many times before, they seem fresh to you.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#37748 - 06/08/03 10:09 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Hey Jer NP bro. On the one hand life would get damned dull if we all expressed ourselves in the same ways all the time. On the other hand life would get damned dangerous if we all expressed ourselves without regard for other. Finding the balance is like performing a juggling act with knives while walking a tightrope over a pool of piranhas. Guess that's why we have two hands! Sometimes it seems I could use more but that would just complicate things probably.

Jer your list makes sense & makes some good points
This for me at least is about a lot more than frustration with finding the right words. Its about finding the right feelings, the right ways of doing things, the right way of living for me. Words are just expressions & parts of all that.

Sometimes I expect the right words, or the right formula or something, to take care of things. It can help but its deeper than that.

Again to me the important thing is what the words mean to me. And what my life means.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#37749 - 06/14/03 05:48 AM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Ya know we are men, boys, young men, human, beautiful creatures, caring, loving, feeling people. What was done was shit. But we are stil beautiful don't let anyone tell you different.

I did not do anything wrong, and that really sucks. Love! Love! Love! that is what I need.
all I need is Love, I think the Beatle's had something there.

Love Brother

Michael Joseph

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#37750 - 06/14/03 07:59 AM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
When I first started working on the SA issue, I mean REALLY WORKING ON IT, facing it head on, trying to figure out the Why me's etc. I began to think of it like a robbery. I was born into this world whole, free, full of hope, joy, happiness, dreams etc. Then one day, that world was tossed up sided down, robbed, everything I wanted in life smashed, tossed about, taken from me. What should have been the best times of my life, robbed. So instead of that pleasure, I was robbed, my privacy invaded, my inner self taken away. How does a person get that back, how does one finally identify the robber(s), how does one finally bring that f******theif to justice and restore what was there before the agony of the incident(s)? Who knows, I do know it is very, very hard, just as it is to come into your home and find someone has gone through everything you own and deprived you of your privacy, smashed material things you have worked so hard to get and taken away your one safe harbor....peace of mind, your shelter, your being. Material things can be restored by hard work, so can peace of mind however, it is so much harder to restore peace of mind when for 40 years you have lived in denial, lied, hidden the facts, and yes protected the robber(s) by not coming forward and exposing them. We were all robbed in one form or another, you can't get back years wasted because of the suffering, you can't take back the way you treated people in the past for fear "they would find out". You can however start to rebuild, rebuild, find your inner self again, work everyday on being the person you know is hiding in there. It takes work a hell of alot of it but for me, I am determined to try to get back as much of what was robbed from me as possible dispite all the uphill battles ahead, they will not get the best of me and rob me of another day that I have left on this earth.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#37751 - 06/14/03 11:05 AM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Bob:

Quote:
We were all robbed in one form or another, you can't get back years wasted because of the suffering, you can't take back the way you treated people in the past for fear "they would find out". You can however start to rebuild, rebuild, find your inner self again, work everyday on being the person you know is hiding in there. It takes work a hell of alot of it but for me, I am determined to try to get back as much of what was robbed from me as possible dispite all the uphill battles ahead, they will not get the best of me and rob me of another day that I have left on this earth.
That says it all my brother. Nothing to add. Everyone should read it and I mean really read it.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#37752 - 06/14/03 11:48 AM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
James, guys,

At the risk of seeming to be oblivious to all the phenomonal insight that has been shared thus far, I propose the following replacements:


To Heal : initiate a new course of events; to become whole, complete; progress toward synthesis

To Process: unpack, examine the parts of the whole

To Journey : uncover, meaningfully rediscover and resolve, evolve


"I need to learn that the abuse doesnt define me"?
I need to learn and remain mindful that from this point on, I can begin to learn how to not let what happended continue to define me.

"Dont let THEM win!"
This is just the silliest notion--these guys ARE the archetypal losers

"By me being here, they have lost."
I"ll defer to one of Victors smilies here: [Please insert Mr T "I pity the fool" smiley.]

In order to change the subtext of any symbol, such as what these words imply, all we need do is make the decision to expand their meaning for our purposes. WE GOT THE POWER to do so.

Sorry if my pontificating has offended in any way; that's not the intention.


Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#37753 - 06/14/03 12:09 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Ron,
Hey what a thought. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what new words I could use for me. When all along if I just redefined them to fit what I need them to at this point in my life. WOW!!!!

Danny,

Quote:
If you weren't busy being pissed off at the language that some of use to describe our situations, who would you then be pissed off at?
ummmmmmmmmmm,ummmmmmmmm, lol, I have no idea but I'm sure I would find other way to waist my engery and not focus on the real problem.

Quote:
If you weren't frustrated with the language used to describe abuse and recovery, what would you then be frustrated about?
Can I use the same answer here?

Danny the questions you asked bring up some issues dont they? If I wasnt mad at this or frustrated with that then what would I find to be? To be honest Danny I would find something Im sure. I've always been able to find some type of "soap box" to get on. But thanks for asking them now I have something else to think about, something that just may help me in the long run. Thank you for caring enough to ask me.
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#37754 - 06/14/03 06:27 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
James
I'm glad to see you responding to your very thought provoking post, and it's provoked you which is good.
Sometimes we need provoking, or poking with a sharp stick !

Quote:
Danny the questions you asked bring up some issues dont they? If I wasnt mad at this or frustrated with that then what would I find to be? To be honest Danny I would find something Im sure. I've always been able to find some type of "soap box" to get on.
Danny's provoked you here for sure, and me as well.
I used to be just the same, always pissed with something. Most times it wasn't even my beef, but I'd still fight and argue about it. It was 'what I did' - was it a cover for being pissed with myself ? I think so.

It seems to be one of those things I recognise now with hindsight, and something I have made no concious effort to get over, it just seems to have eased away as I recovered. Or am I just mellowing with age ? ;\)

Whatever it is, I don't miss being pissed off all the time one little bit.

(or was it a part of the 'process' as I progressed through my 'journey' of 'healing' ? - sorry, I couldn't resist that \:D )

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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