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#37725 - 06/06/03 02:31 PM Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Ok guys I want to list a few words/phrases that are used when talking about abuse that just bug the crap out of me and why.

Healing?
Healing..why do I have to heal Im not the one that is/was sick in the abuse. My perp's were, why do I have to heal?

Process?
Process..please it wasnt a process when I was 6 and my cousin's forced me to the ground and pulled my pants down and did what they did to me.

Journey?
Journey...this sounds like Im going to Disney Land or something. Not going through hell and back. Journey please this isnt a journey, it's me being draged down the road of something called life.

"I need to learn that the abuse doesnt define me"?
...how the f**k doesnt it define me? It happened to me when I was 6 (how does something that happens at that age NOT define who/what you are). Then again at 12 to 17. Same question? If what happened to me doesnt define who I am then what do I use to define it, it's all I've ever known?

"Dont let THEM win!"
...Win? hum...great another battle I have to be strong for. They won the second they pulled my pants down and raped me. They won that battle.

"By me being here, they have lost."
...please...how have they lost? Im the one here, I'm the one who cant make love to my wife because of the flashbacks, Im the one that is sopose to take a hand full of pills everyday just to get out of bed. I'm the one that has lost my childhood. How on earth is me being here me winning?

Well just a few thoughts. I mean dont get me wrong I understand why we say those things to eachother (or at least I think I do). They just really bug the crap out of me. You would think with us being over a 1000 strong just on this board we could come up with some better ways of describing what we are doing in our lives.

Thanks guys
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#37726 - 06/06/03 03:17 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
James:

No it is not a journey. It is a long and bumpy road but worth taking. A journey implies a finite end that you can see. We reach our destinations at different times. \:D


Dont let them Win. and by being here they have lost.
Yeh the won the original battle. But by surviving and becoming the person you really are you WIN THE WAR. AND IT IS A WAR. They corrupted you and that is why all the problems arise for us. When we all reach the end of our particular road to being the person we really are you have defeated their best efforts. Also as long as we are here WE ARE IN CONTROL. I mean You can blow the whistle on them any time you like. Maybe we should let them all know that if they are still alive. We do not know it but WE ARE IN CONTROL OF THEIR FXXKING LIVES.

Healing: I ddont think a perp is capable of that. What we are capable of doing is ACKNOWLEDGING THE PAST AND ACCEPTING IT AND CHANGING THE BELIEFS AND EMOTIONS AROUND IT. CHOOSING TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN THE FUTURE FREE OF THE SHIT. LEAVE IT BEHIND. I think that is what them mean bny healing. Me amyway ;\)

Does not Define you. Think a bit James. What happened merely defines what happened nothing more. Certainly not you or me. It is the same as having cancer does not define who a person is merely the condition. \:D

Now here is one that really turns my crank. When someone says I understand how you feel!
How the hell can anyone know how I feel. I dont how they feel. Hell sometimes I dont even know how I feel.

Actually a great post and I think some good insight will be seen in the thread. Timely one too.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#37727 - 06/06/03 03:17 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Quote:
Originally posted by James:
"I need to learn that the abuse doesnt define me"?
...how the f**k doesnt it define me? It happened to me when I was 6 (how does something that happens at that age NOT define who/what you are). Then again at 12 to 17. Same question? If what happened to me doesnt define who I am then what do I use to define it, it's all I've ever known?
I will probably get a lot of crap for this but I sort of agree with it. I don't mean that I literally define myself by my abuse, but rather, I don't understand how it is something seperate from my personality. My personality exists because of what was done to me. I was so very young when it happened and I was just forming a personality and if that hadn't happened I might be a totally different person! So how can I seperate it and its effects from myself?

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#37728 - 06/06/03 05:54 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
James:

How ironic! It seems I'm actually having trouble finding the words for this post!


(OK wise guys quit applauding now!)

Anyway I'll just say I relate to your feelings about this (now Mike I didn't say I know how he feels :p ), as a writer I like to try to use a lot of different words, I want to know what I mean when I use them, and I hope others do too.

If I say anything else I'll start getting into defining "is" and I don't wanna go there.

Took my time to speak. Now it's time to be silent.

\:D

Good thread James thanks!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#37729 - 06/06/03 07:06 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Victor.... knock it off eh? too much with the smileys. (yes, I can tell a brother to knock it off when he's irritating me. just my opinion and it's not the end of the world for me, or for Victor I hope).

James,

I think I understand some of your anger about those words, I've felt the same way at times. Sometimes, no words whatsoever come close to describing what I'm going through and calling it a healing journey just doesn't do justice to the crap I'm slogging through.

For me, the choice of words is very important, especially when it comes to how/what I think about what's happened to me.

If I say to myself, "look at all the shit that's happened to me", it just makes me feel worse.

If I say "I can heal, or find some measure of recovery where I can at least enjoy life more than I do now", I'm not beating myself over the head with the 'I've been abused, all is lost' baseball bat.

What I say to myself counts, either I'm playing the old "I'm a f*(k up" tapes or I try to change the tapes. It's about being gentle with ourselves because we've been so hurt and traumatized by our pasts.

Just my take on this James. Good post. I hope this doesn't add to your frustration.

jer


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#37730 - 06/06/03 08:32 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
James
I find that the words I use are very important to me as well, although I do plead guilty to rattling some of my posts and replies out in a hurry and words an phrases that I wouldn't if I was writing something like a journal.

I use 'healing' quite a lot, because I think I was damaged by my abuse, it felt kinda physical to me at times as well. I agree though, we weren't "sick" in the acts of the abuse, but I feel that the life I was left with after could be described as "sick"

"journey & process" - I do use terms like that to describe the .......process... of going from disclosure to wherever I am now. Sorry, guilty as charged there.

"I need to learn that the abuse doesn't define me"
I'm with you on this, there's so much more that defines us. Everything we've ever learnt or experienced defines us, and in the cold fact of hours and minutes our abuse is likely to be a very tiny bit of our lives. But it's the distorted influence that counts there.
However, I do think that before I started recovery and was at my lowest point my abuse did define me to an unacceptable level, so it's a factor in defining us I believe, but not the only one.

"dont let them win" they did win the battle back when I was a kid, I'm just winning this one !
But I don't see them as "losing" so much as I see them just stagnating as I move on and leave them to rot in whatever hell they're in or heading for.
Although I barely give them a thought now.

Good post James, I think that the choice of words we use is very important to us, and very personal, as I think this thread will show.
But when we write, either here or in a journal, we see the words in front of us and they take on a greater importance because we have to get our message across right first time. We haven't got the luxury of watching body language and responding immediately.

They say "The pen is mightier than the sword" - there's a lot of power in words when used carefully.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#37731 - 06/06/03 08:38 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Hi James, most of those catch phrases and terminologies come from the psychiatric and social worker communities. When I was working in the field, I could spot a fellow worker at ten paces after listening to him/her for less than 2 minutes ..... all the catch phrases and supercillious knowing grin.

But I agree with you in a big way. All those euphasmisms somehow seem to minimize and even take away from the earthy, unvarnished anger that we feel. Peace, Andrew


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#37732 - 06/06/03 08:46 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I guess I don't quite agree that these words don't depict things correctly. Maybe I just hold different definitions and they may just mean other things to me. I guess we all have our way of seeing things and if I use these in a post and someone doesn't understand what I mean, please ask me. I don't mean to be insensitive to anyone on here and some of these phrases have been what has helped me get where I am at today.

Just my view of it.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#37733 - 06/06/03 09:33 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Quote:
It is the same as having cancer does not define who a person is merely the condition.
If someone is told they have cancer it's a life changeing event. So I think it would re-define who a person is. Just like the abuse defimes who I am today. Now will it keep defining who I am? I sure hope not.

Thanks guys for your reply's to this post. Those of you that have said you use the words in reply's to post here saying sorry if the words aren't meaningful. Look at the post and reply's I've done. I use them as well, I guess what Im getting to is this....ISN'T THERE SOMETHING BETTER WE COULD COME UP WITH TO USE? I mean come on were the wolf pack for god's sake, surely there is something we could find that would define what we are doing/feeling something. Ofcourse I have no idea what they would be. Well thanks again for the reply's.
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#37734 - 06/06/03 10:07 PM Re: Words and Phrases I hate when talking about abuse!
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
This post kind of bothers me and maybe I should explain why so that I can either understand the other view points here or someone might understand me.

For me I feel as if the abuse shot a bunch of poison deep inside of me and it permeated every crook of my entire being including my mind, brain, muscles, etc. So when I use the word healing, I am correlating it to trying to surgically remove all this shit that is inside of me and replacing it with healthy tissue so to speak. In my mind, it means that I have to slowly discover that which is hidden in me and believe me a lot of it is hidden, than I have to get rid of this. However if I don't replace it with something healthy, it leaves a big hole in my life.

Through out my time where I have been healing (see above paragraph for explanation), it has been a journey or that is how I often describe what I am going through. Mine point of recovery started out when I was totally paralyzed and came pretty close to breathing my last breath. I have taken a journey (or traveled) from that point through all kinds of things to get to where I am at. For me it was about taking physical steps and steps in my recovery which is why the word journey is so important to me. I am thrilled that I can walk and move around like I can today and those steps signify the journey I have taken.

Process to me means that it has not happened all at once. It was step 1, than step 2, than step 3 and so forth. It is a process to me of finding all of the hidden poison in my body and finding ways to get rid of it.

The phrase "don't let them win" means so much to me. It was a phrase that kept me from killing myself or completely giving up at times. At the time, I couldn't see enough worth in myself to take a "physical step" or to try and keep going at the time. But the anger of knowing that if I managed to not let them have complete control over my life for the rest of my life, pushed me in ways that I was not able to move in during this time. My abusers had complete control over me for 25 years of my life and kept me in silence. By me fighting the hell out of each step I took, I started to regain myself as a person and started to break the ties I had with them. In this struggle I had in my life, I was winning and they were losing. It was that analogy that kept me fighting and did not let me give up. Sometims it is the only thing that kept me going.

As far as the abuse defining who I am, well it does in many ways. But as I have worked through so many of the issues I faced, I am now beginning to realize that there is so much more to me. The abuse will always be there and there will be no way to delete it from my past, but now that I am beginning to discover the person I am, it is completeing the definition of who I am.


Again, I'm hoping that maybe I can understand more where people are coming because these phrases and I definately use them have been behind much of my recovery. I don't know if health care professionals used them or not, but I know I used them because they fit me and they made sense to me. LIke I said, I was completely paraylzed and breathing my last breaths at the age of 25, so these things to me are very powerful. And I like to compare what the abuse does to that of being a hidden poison. It is hard to see the poison although I know it is there. I see the effects, I feel the effects of it. And so many of the things that I say are in relation to this.

Hope I didn't lose everyone on this and hopefully it will help understand how I define these things.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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