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#377352 - 11/29/11 07:37 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: lucylives]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Quote:
I didn't understand that it was the therapist that called it sex!

h****** s**** I didn't get that, either! It was the therapist who said that? Well, what the previous poster said!


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#377367 - 11/29/11 09:12 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Shawushka]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 671
Loc: NJ
Yes - it was the therapist. The other quote I had from his therapist was "helping him come to terms with his bisexuality" - I like that one alot too because my husband's experience with men were only in abuse situations - so I kind of feel like getting him to accept his bisexuality is a very interesting path to CSA recovery.... call me crazy.


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#377390 - 11/30/11 03:44 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
JaapVisser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 57
Loc: The Netherlands
Oh jeez, I also didn't realise that it was the therapist who said that. I read it as if your husband had said it and unbelievable what he said about the bisexuality...

Therapists like this do more harm then good. I don't know how it works in the USA (assuming you live there), but isn't there a sort of organisational board where you can write complains to if errors are made? If I read it like this, then this therapist shouldn't be allowed to do this work and his license should be revoked in my opinion. Such a damage he is doing.

If they had said sort like things to me, I would have gone downwards big time in progress instead of up.

_________________________
Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

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#377403 - 11/30/11 08:28 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: JaapVisser]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 671
Loc: NJ
So back to the original question - how do I encourage him to change therapists????? I don't think he will do it himself.


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#377409 - 11/30/11 08:53 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
My God girl, that therapist is gonna do way more harm than good. I would tell your husband that from what you have read from the EXPERTS, this isn't about bisexuality and that you are really worried about this therapists and his lack of knowledge.

I found our therapists from other people in our recovery group. Read my previous post about one therapist we saw. He really is lucky I ddn't report him.


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#377412 - 11/30/11 09:22 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Esposa and any survvors out there....

Has anyone heard or read anything from Joe Kort? He has written alot about straight men who have sex with men. It isn't about being gay alot of the time. There is alot written about reenacting and homosexual imprinting on the internet.

btw, he is a gay man not some crazy guy who is anti-gay.

Here is a link.

http://straightguise.com/default.asp?id=1288

I hope this helps some of you the way it has helped me and my husband.

Also, I would lov it if any survivor out there would post this article on sex identity issue forum. I am sure most people have read it but there may be some poor soul suffering out there who is wondering why he is seeking sex with men when he is not gay.


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#377413 - 11/30/11 09:24 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: lucylives]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 671
Loc: NJ
I really love that article.


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#377430 - 11/30/11 11:49 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Esposa,

It is in childhood/adolsence, which is at the very period of our lives when we suffered abuse, that we should be learning about life. We should be learning to reason, learn about control (both good and bad), learn about love, learn about talking to others even in a social setting, how to talk to the other sex about different subjects as we grow into our late teens and early adulthood, including love which is an extension of marriage.

If your husband is unhappy with his therapist, he definately should get another who is well trained and experienced in Male CSA survivors and their SO's.

Because we never learned our social skills when we should have, as others have said, we have to learn it as adults. Unfortunately, people with SO's have to put up with us as we try to learn what we should have learned years ago. We were victims then and now survivors now. It is up to us to clean up the garbage that we had no part in receiving, the same as you have to clean up litter on your property which you had no part in getting on your lawn.

Good luck with everything. Keep encouraging your husband but don't push him. Unfortunately, we have no timeline for recovery. Each one of us is different.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#377432 - 11/30/11 12:37 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Sailor John]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 671
Loc: NJ
He has not said he is unhappy with his therapist. I believe he goes and continues to go because I made it a requirement post affair but pre-reveal. He says he's cool.

I gave him two other names but he has not acted on it. I just worry that more damage is being done - not that he has revealed the abuse, and he is clearly in the hands of someone who knows nothing about it.


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#377587 - 12/01/11 03:41 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
If control is a hang up of his, you might shift the perspective to what YOU need to do.

Instead of, "I want you to do this...", maybe say, "I need to move out to work on getting my bearings back. My hope is that we will do the hard work needed to repair our marriage. Part of that work includes you seeing CSA-knowledgable counselor. If you don't want to save yourself in order to save us, I understand, and am sad. But I also know that I can't make you care about what I care about, so I will move on unless you have another suggestion...."

Or something like that...

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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