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#377306 - 11/29/11 01:42 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
I could make an appointment with one for both of us and then drop off the scene wink

The control thing is WAY OUT OF CONTROL lately. It is without a doubt abusive what he is doing to me - and so incredibly destructive. I have no idea how to stop it - and can only try to protect myself from him, which feels so wrong.


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#377307 - 11/29/11 02:17 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
JaapVisser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 57
Loc: The Netherlands
We lost control when we where young in a period that should create and stimulate things like trust and control. If that is broken in a really horrible way, combined with a trauma, then somehow it will try to find its way out in a later stage in life.
Seems like that is happening now and you are the unfortunate victim of it. The problem is that you can't fight it with taking the control. It will work like a red blanket on a bull (no idea if this is also an expression in english, but I think the point is clear, I hope smile ).

When I was collapsing and was really destructive towards my relation, my girlfriend sort of took a step back, took it all and then showed me her love and dedication in the months after that. This sort of made ME realise how extremely wrong I was and that is hard. One the one hand I felt a victim of my past, but also I was guilty towards my girlfriend and it made me realise I had to work so hard to deal with these issues, because eventhough I am victim, it is not always simply an excuse for my actions. Also during therapy it was pointed out that it is one of the things you have to discover yourself. The problem is that the more people try to blame you and force you in a corner, the more deeper you will try to hide and run away.

Again I point you towards the book of Cecil Murphy who deals also with this kinds of things and otherwise I think maybe seek counceling yourself with a therapist who knows how to deal with csa and workout a strategy with that therapist on how to manage your life and how to find a workaround in getting him in therapy.



Edited by JaapVisser (11/29/11 02:20 PM)
_________________________
Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

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#377309 - 11/29/11 02:23 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239

This is a sincere question to the Survivors.

Is being in control MORE important than the person you love? That's the question. Do you want to be alone or do you want to try and create a relationship of mutual respect and love. No one person in any relationship should have all the control all the time. God knows I don't want it all the time. It's exhausting.

I understand control being an issue but I don't understand letting it take over to the point where you push someone away. My husband behavior was SO out of control that the thought of him demanding control would have been laughable. I agree we need to be loving and encouraging and I have been, but telling your mate what you need and want is a part of any relationship. I am not saying YOU must or else.... but you know what I did with my husbands drinking. I said I am not comfortable when you drink. When you drink you lose control of your ability to deal with your abuse. I did say one more episode and you are out. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing but he seems to be ok. I know it's tough for him and at those times I give him extra love and attention. I scratch his back (he loves it). But I can't live with a person who drinks and their behavior is unpredictable, especially around my children.

Hey maybe his therapist could work on his control issues, until he decides to read and book and go to a new one.


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#377313 - 11/29/11 02:43 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Gretta]
JaapVisser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 57
Loc: The Netherlands
From the point I see it and I am far from being a professional or that I speak for every survivor (just to make that clear). This is based on my own feelings, with other survivors with whom I was in therapy and based on things I read in numerous books.

At a certain point in your life as victim the whole control and csa thing stands far above anything in your life (relation, friendships etc). There is an urge to be normal, to be like every other person on this planet, but your past is in your way big time. As victims our manhood is feeling broken, our trust is destroyed and every reference to "how it should be" is not there. Simply said, a lot of us need to learn again how to react in things that are normal for most people. It ashamed me and that is also what other fellow therapy members said.
I felt ashamed that I failed as a good man for my girlfriend, I felt ashamed that I wasn't a strong human being who could carry to positives and negative sides of relation and that our relation was not based on equal input and effort. I think you should not underestimate what shame can do to a person. It often results in completely opposite behaviour. Shame can break you deeply.
Add to all of this the urge to somehow deal with your past and for most of us it was for a long time to completely neglect it and run away from it, and you have a recipe for a very tough relationship.

As I said in my previous post, at some point WE have to become aware of our past, about being a victim, but also about the damage we do and accept this and adapt to it. This doesn't mean that you have to take everything. If things get really out of control then you should of course always take the right steps to protect yourself.

Edit: fixed some weird grammar constructions, sorry am not a native speaker.



Edited by JaapVisser (11/29/11 02:47 PM)
_________________________
Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

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#377316 - 11/29/11 03:29 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: JaapVisser]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
Thank you Jaap. I realized a little while ago that our relationship was like the last thing on his mind. I am just a punching bag or a speed bump in his self destruction.

And I see the shame - he's certainly ashamed of cheating on me, of being mean to me, of pushing me away - but that shame makes him do it more.

I like the idea of stepping away a little - taking a breather and then coming back with a fixed message of love and dedication (with the necessary armor). I write him notes every day, about how I will never abandon him, never betray him - and these seem to resonate, at least for 20 or 30 minutes until he returns to casting me out like the traitor I am.


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#377329 - 11/29/11 06:07 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Quote:
[...]he referred to it as SEX.[...]

Very recognizable. I had no idea for a long time, because my partner told me he had had same sex experience as a teenager. Of course I thought he maybe had kissed with another (same age) guy. Never, ever did it come to my mind that this could be a de>

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#377332 - 11/29/11 06:21 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
How to communicate w my significant other" is on my agenda to discuss w my therapist. She has pointed out to me before (in a way that I cannot adequately explain to anyone else) how what is "normal" for those who have not experienced abuse is not for survivors. They can learn healthy ways to interact w us but trying to use what comes naturally for non abused people doesn't work. We can lament the insanity of it all but in the end, we are going to have to adapt until our men learn healthy ways to be in partnership with us . How we do that without chipping away at the essence of ourselves or damaging our wholeness is the million dollar question. It's also highly individual. I can put up w a lot if I see you working towards wholeness. But if you aren't, I can't stay. It takes so much and we have kids and we owe them t least one healthy parent. If you stay w insanity, I don't see how you can remain whole (or a reasonable facsimile of whole). I read an article about a Schizophrenic man and his wife. He was suicidal , had a hard time keeping a job , etc. but she never let him off the hook. She'd acknowledge his delimma, probably point to remedies but in the end she'd always say "but I need you to {insert responsibility here}." I want to do everything to create an environment for healing for my husband, but WE have obligations. I wish I had known about this before 3 kids, before the cheating, before....but we didn't and now there is not the luxury of selfishness (wrong word i mean the ability to only focus on yourself to heal) that i believe trauma of this kind requires. WE have to handle ALL of this TOGETHER. It's easier if we do it together. Its better dor us as a couple and a family if we do it together. A burden shared is a burden halved (Martin;-). But Supporters have to be able to say what we need. I'm fine with finding an alternate way to get through because I only care about the end result , but if there is no other way to say "I need" then I'm just gonna blurt it out as nicely as I can. But if it can't be received (for whatever reason), that is a grade A impasse.

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#377339 - 11/29/11 06:52 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6596
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: Esposa
And his current T is a serious waste of money and time. How can you sit in therapy week after week and never talk about the abuse? And when I went to see his therapist with him once, he referred to it as SEX. IT IS NOT SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My god. He was a very little tiny boy.


Holy sht Esposa...this turd truly IS a waste of time and money.

In a radio interview about 5 years ago, Mike Lew likened "having 'sex with a child' to 'inviting a sandwich to lunch.'"

If you hear a guy screaming in the distance tonight...its just me re-reading this post.

_________________________
Objects In Mirror are Less Than They Appear.

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#377349 - 11/29/11 07:29 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Oh my God, esposa. I have been reading this post and I didn't understand that it was the therapist that called it sex!

I would maybe tell my husband that I was worried about his well being working with a therapist that is so ignorant to csa and you are afraid it will do more harm than good going there.

I once went to a therapist and he had told me he was knowledgeable in sex addiction and csa. When we started to talk on our first and only v isit, after telling our story, his first words to me were "maybe you just have to accept that your husband is a sociopath or just gay" Really? I said you obviously know nothing about addiction or csa. He had the balls to tell me I just wanted a therapist who would tell me whatever I wanted to hear. I said "No, I want a therapist who knows what they are talking about" It got quite ugly. At the end, he tried to get me to set another appointment cuase he said he could help me. I seriously wanted to reach across the room and hit him over the head with a frying pan. Thanks but no thanks and I walked out.

Had I not read Mike Lew's book and all the Patrick Carnes books, I may have believed him.

There are really not alot of therapists who have a clue about CSA and/or sex addiction. I now have a fabulous therapist who is very well versed and kinda tough which is just what I need. I am grateful I didn't see the first therapist without having already read. I think I knew more than he did (actually I know I did)

Please tell your husband you are worried about him. A bad therapist can really screw with your mind and telling him that as a child he was having sex is really gonna screw him up more!


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#377350 - 11/29/11 07:29 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Excuse my french but what a ^&*head!


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