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#377213 - 11/28/11 09:28 PM SURVIVORS - help a girl out!
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
Ok... tell me if this is acceptable....

My husband has a shrink that knows nothing about CSA. He started seeing him in May when I said THERAPY OR OUT. But now that he has revealed the abuse, things have gotten a lot worse. He told me that he doesn't work on this with his T.

This is what I want to say.... and I need you to edit me. (HE IS MAKING MY LIFE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE)

I want you to see someone who knows about CSA. And I want you to go to the doctor and talk about your depression and how to treat it.

I don't want this to be optional. I also realize that control is a big deal for him. I need input, advice, editing....


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#377214 - 11/28/11 09:37 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6596
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
"I want you to _________ " freaks me out (personally) cuz that's what I yielded to as a boy and then as a messed-up husband.

"You really ought to __________ " would sit with me much better.

Esposa. The two of you need something as a base-line with which to judge things like Ts and severity, etc. If husband does not own the good book (Victims No Longer) by Mike Lew, I'd change that like right now.

It will show him that the T is a tard. It will also do a ton of things for him right away.

Get the book and slow down decisions. Barnes and Noble has it on the shelves. HE will most likely not feel comfortable buying it. Something for you to do maybe smile ?



Edited by Robbie Brown (11/28/11 09:39 PM)
_________________________
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#377219 - 11/28/11 10:48 PM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
I totally get it. I will get that book. He is super resistant to reading anything right now. Wish me luck.


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#377254 - 11/29/11 04:48 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
JaapVisser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 57
Loc: The Netherlands
Well if control is a big issue, then a book might work. He can take control over it, take his own steps in getting into it.

Talk with him and see in what stage he is. I had problems in the beginning with reading Victims no longer since it was quite confronting. I did it step by step. If you find out that he is maybe willing to read, but more in a "taking distance" mode then the book by Richard Gartner (Beyond Betrayal, taking charge of your life after boyhood sexual abuse) is a great start. This book was personally for me an eye opener. It is written very well and very clear and doesn't sit on your skin (hope you know what I mean :D) as Victims no Longer can do.

Also I could recommend for you to read the book from Cecil Murphy: When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide to Helping Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation.

It can help in understanding his behaviour, his fears etc. My girlfriend read it and it was a great eye opener for her. I also read it and also for me it offered some great insights.
I have to say this book comes with some spirituality, but it's very little. You can read it very well if you are not religious (like I am, dunno if you are, but don't let it scare you).

Both books are found in the bookstore btw (http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html)

Good luck!



Edited by JaapVisser (11/29/11 04:51 AM)
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#377258 - 11/29/11 06:01 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: JaapVisser]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Oh gosh! Please be careful the way you frame these questions... "Control" is SUCH a huge issue! Please consider editing out the "I want you to's" & the "You ought to's" & use perhaps "How would you feel abouts" instead???

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#377260 - 11/29/11 06:49 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Still]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239


Ok I am sorry for being completely stupid in these matters but why can't she say I really need or want you to.... At this point he either wants to save his marriage or not. She is NOT the enemy or the perp. She is his wife and despite the fact that he has done everything to destroy his relationship with her she is still there. That is love. When does that get any weight in the relationship?

I know personally my H was frustrated that he could no longer manipulate me. He had spent years taking advantage of my good nature and lying to me. It's an adjustment in the relationship. Tip toeing around the obvious is annoying to me.

He needs a therapist who is experienced with CSA which just makes sense. At this point this therapy is less effective and a waste of time and $. I get the anxiety of changing therapist. Creating that relationship all over again is exhausting. I would get that reason and help him work through that. But assuming he is not happy where he is, you have no choice but to but one foot in front of the other to try and make things better.

Doesn't she have any rights. I understand there needs to be a conversation and not demands but I think eventually he is either willing to do the work or not. She can't do it all by herself. Hopefully he is a reader otherwise she sounds like she is at his mercy!

Sorry I hope I wasn't too harsh but eventually as spouses of survivors we have to say enough is enough. It's a balance of compassion, love for the survivor and love for yourself. We are here so we have showed our significant others how much we love them, we need to feel important and loved too.


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#377266 - 11/29/11 08:24 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
Thanks Gretta wink

I read Beyond Betrayal and that was an amazing book. I wish he would read it but right now this is his tack - "Whatcha reading?" "A book about male CSA" "Oh nice. what a great use of your time. Learn anything interesting?" And I tell him something and then he makes fun of me (this is when he doesn't feel like denying it happened) It's the strangest thing for me - the back and forth. I mean, he told me what happened but then he usually acts like he didn't and then sometimes he just comes out with something - like "If anyone ever tried to abuse me again..." I guess this is normal but man, as a supporter, it sure would be nice to at least agree between the two of us.

I know that how I phrase something, as unfortunate as it may feel, is crucial to how he receives the information. But I just simply CANNOT live with him if he is not going to address any of the issues. And his current T is a serious waste of money and time. How can you sit in therapy week after week and never talk about the abuse? And when I went to see his therapist with him once, he referred to it as SEX. IT IS NOT SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My god. He was a very little tiny boy.

And let's be honest, I have cared for and protected my husband for almost 2 decades. Sure, new shoes were nice. A new car was nice. BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT. How come I can pick his tie but I can't help him get the help he deserves?????


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#377275 - 11/29/11 09:38 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: kolisha54]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6596
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: kolisha54
Oh gosh! Please be careful the way you frame these questions... "Control" is SUCH a huge issue! Please consider editing out the "I want you to's" & the "You ought to's" & use perhaps "How would you feel abouts" instead???


Absolutely correct! I was fully wrong with "You ought to ______ ." Don't know what I was thinking.

In sales (to very highly educated people), I use to use "Many others have found _______ to be helpful."

_________________________
Objects In Mirror are Less Than They Appear.

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#377289 - 11/29/11 10:41 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
I like the MANY OTHERS HAVE FOUND....

I have to admit that I put Ken Singer's book in our bathroom and I put a piece of hair on it so I know he has at least opened the thing wink


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#377302 - 11/29/11 11:44 AM Re: SURVIVORS - help a girl out! [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Esposa

Yeah, Control is a huge issue with us, it stems from the not being in control whilst being abused and the need now to always be in control. It is still a major issue for me, and there are still situations in my home where I have to step back and remind myself that I cannot mentally abuse my wife into doing things.
So a big no no is to TELL HIM TO DO ANYTHING. Encourage, Love and coerce, are better options.
The "you will or I will" scenario, works only once in our lives and that is when we have lost total control over our lives and want help. After that I have to be in control of what I am doing.
Difference is that I would not put up with a Bad T's crap, but then my true desire is to heal from this ASAP, doesn't feel like it will be any time soon though, but yeah I WANT IT.


Hope you can convince him to change his T, in a loving encouraging way, for both of you.

Heal well
Martin

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Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
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