Newest Members
tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom, JohnWC, KKumar
12423 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
biggbill70 (44), CP4 (24), EddieMi (46), EddieT (46), hemi1024 (54), Kage (70), kdj_74 (40), Knightswhitehart (49), otlhouston (47), TX_Space (47), VirtualBman (50)
Who's Online
1 registered (Jleed), 18 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12423 Members
74 Forums
63801 Topics
445520 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#377177 - 11/28/11 06:44 PM Help! He's talking about taking his life
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
My fiancť has mentioned things in a sideways fashion over the last two weeks. Today when I asked how his day was he said he bought a rope and just needs to figure out where and when.

I'm worried and don't know where to go to get him help. I'm trying to find local resources -- suicide lines etc.

HELP! your suggestions are needed.

UPDATE -- 6:47 EST on hold with local distress center




Edited by eyesforward (11/28/11 06:47 PM)

Top
#377180 - 11/28/11 07:00 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: eyesforward]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 416
Is he with you? If not, try to keep him with you while you call in the professionals. Does he have a therapist already, might want to contact him/her as well.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#377183 - 11/28/11 07:12 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: GoodHope]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Yes he's with me. He's in no immediate danger right now.

He's telling me that I should ignore him and his problem, muttering that he shouldn't have said anything.

He dealt with a therapist 2 years ago, stopped seeing her. The events that prompted this negative mood are a business going under & the relationships involved going bad. Due to the business failure, he is short on money and has resisted my contributing to him financially.


Top
#377185 - 11/28/11 07:24 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: eyesforward]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 416
If he can't afford to go back to the therapist (provided it was a beneficial therapist) you might try local mental health services and local universities sometimes have clinics that can talk him through the depression/suicide/coping issues associated with his immediate external circumstances. I'm very biased towards a CSA specialist for the internal/CSA stuff once the crisis has passed. I'm a female supporter, not a survivor and the first therapist I saw SUCKED and had no understanding (or compassion) for male survivors, hence my bias. I hope his pride won't prevent him from getting the help he needs. Best wishes to you, I know it's rough.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#377188 - 11/28/11 07:41 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: GoodHope]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Thanks GoodHope. I agree with you about the CSA specialists-- that's definitely an important and necessary qualification.

Distress Center offered to call emergency personnel (police, EMTs) for me. I said no. I'm reading some suicide help websites to get more information about how to deal with this. I'll call 911 if I need to.


Top
#377210 - 11/28/11 09:07 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: eyesforward]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Here's a link here to advice from this site:

Not sure if it applies:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=205253#Post205253

_________________________
Female.

Top
#377215 - 11/28/11 09:41 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: Disappointed]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Disappointed Thanks for your message and the link. The site listed on that page is one of the web search results I got.

The strong boundary in the message, "Threats are not permitted at any time ..." is calming and clarifying for me.

He's sleeping now. He acknowledged that he hadn't eaten all day, which invariably upsets his neuro-biochemistry and mood balance, as it did today.

Not sure why I haven't held "Threats of suicide and self-harm are not permitted at any time" as a line for our relationship. Tomorrow and thereafter, I will. In the morning, we'll call the therapist or other local mental health supports and figure out the money.


Top
#377224 - 11/28/11 10:58 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: eyesforward]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Eyes, I have been through this with my husband. It has totally freaked me out. Every time he would mention that it was too much, with in 24 hrs he would take it back. The last time I told him if he threaten again We would have no choice but to send him away. That when he said something I believed him. I didn't need to be told twice.

I get how hard it is to deal with the memories, so i cut him slack. They were coming fast and furious for a while. He didn't have tools to deal with them. Now that he has experienced them for a couple months he is slightly more prepared. I can tell when a memory or flashback is brewing and I just try and give him extra love, space whatever he needs. I cant believe I am going to say this but its better than it was 2 months ago. I still wait for something to happen.


Top
#377234 - 11/29/11 12:27 AM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: Gretta]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
As a survivor male, my own stubborn, confused self, ebbs and flows. My choice to be single, for now, creates certain challenges and poses some risk, when I let things eat at my heart and soul. With a great therapist, and getting past the hurdles we all share here, a few things seem to help me. One, even not disclosing the exact nature of the early childhood insanity I endured, friends and co-workers perceive my totally unique traits, and energy. Not always a good thing, and the temptation to not trust others or even discuss my stuff, can be a barrier to progress.

Recently, I made better efforts to remain sober, get outdoors, work hard but maintain a safe private , off duty environment. I am home a lot in the evenings alone.
If I drift into negative energy or dwell on the past, I force myself to change my routine. No best friend would ever feel great about asking if I am OK. Last year, an older family member that had abused me, attended a large social event in public. the clothes, the words, the smells, the strange combination of events that blended together at that precise time and place, threw me into the most intense, confused, mindset I had ever encountered. I had to leave, but, since the night had gone so badly through the meal, the others, unknowing of my history with the now elderly abuser, left me to drive the person home. What could I do??

Each second in the car, was destructive to my very existence. I dropped the person off, and got home. My manager from work, a trusted pal also, was at my home to finish some stuff in the home office. He noticed my utter despair. I simply went to bed and ignored the emotions I felt. By the next day the event had become all consuming and I was melting down. No spouse, no sibling, no neighbor to reach out to....I live in the woods with my dog. I called my therapist and sat outside, feeling no options to continue living....The therapist's answering service quizzed me to determine if this was an emergency...Well..

I had never felt this way..and i knew it was...but the doc was unable to phone me immediately, since I was vague to the office as to my impending tailspin. Thank God, my manager pal, showed up and saw me , apparently looking very lost. he stayed with me, i explained the whole mess..and he stayed by my side.. Prior to his arrival, i was simply calculating how to end it all,,,and if i would take the dog into the next life with me..I had loaded weapons nearby. The doc called..we discussed my choices ..by now it was late afternoon.

My doc/therapist knows me very well, as we address PTSD issues on an ongoing basis. The doc offerred to meet me at the hospital ER, for my own safety, but he readily explained that the Er staff would likely just sedate me to keep me safe until he could get there. My manager stayed next to me as I had the long phone call with my doc. We went to plan B, which was he called in a sedative to the pharmacy, and my manager drove to get it. I agreed to be safe until I could fall asleep. The doc explained to me, that...GETTING THROUGH THE NIGHT, was my first step, and I would likely feel a lot better the next morning, and spend time at his office.

I went into a very deep sleep, no dreams, no thoughts...in the morning , I was a different man, and after coffee, and seeing the Therapist, the shadows lifted. The flirtation with ending the inner pain passed. I am blessed..and have so much else to do and experience. I do not know if this story helps...I am stubborn, tough on the outside, and very private. Being a friend to a survivor is so vital, even if the actual abuse events are not totally discussed. Having an ongoing therapist and the ability to be aware of the rare but common melt downs a survivor can experience, helps to offer options to the 911 call.

Getting through the night was vital, and yet so simple, it was not even on my radar as the triggering forces hit me. The MS community is part of my ongoing positive force. If we build up some other strengths through fitness, spiritual living, and enduring, the friends and family around us will better understand that they mean a lot, even when we lash out or push them away, or refuse to discuss the stuff...

Never, ever, give up.....
Jeff


Top
#377237 - 11/29/11 01:18 AM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: J1]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 279
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Thanks Jeff..I am here with you ..even it is only by the
computer.
A few years back i never had any medication. I was fully
employed and i would go sleepless three nights at a time
experiencing maia while driving.
When i self-admitted myself into a psych ward.
Instead of being ...better i actually wanted immediate
medication..the professionals would not accept this.
I was afraid!
I awoke the next day , after sleeping in the hospital in
pyjamas not feeling settled to my surroundings and noticing
my clothes were not in the room.
When i went to the nurses desk...they said i would being seeing
the psychiatrits shorty.
I was scared because i knew this would be very difficult
for me to bew discharged right away!
The patient phone was broken and i could only use the phone
at the nurses desk.
Looking at the clock i seen that i already was 2 hours late
for work.
I was so scared i would lose my job. I was a shipper/reciever
and i called my boss immedatley to let him know where i was.
It was aweful " g where are ya"?
" I am at a hospital, i am admitted b/c i have mania and am
not on any meds. I probably will be here for a couple days.
It was f-ing embarrasing. And i was his only shipper.
I could have killed someone there.
Soon i saw the 2 psychiatrists in a small room.
The woman looked at me and said " you are here against your will "!
I could have given her a shot to the head. Meanwhile the other
looks at me and says " How long have you known to be mental?"
Can you believe this?
This is mental.
So i played the game to get the hell out of there as soon as
possible!
They started me on Seroquel. It worked for the night.
Following the meeting with the psychiatrists.
I called my therapist from the nurses counter.
Tears were flowing down like a loose faucet and my therapist
who lives out of town says " stay with the feeling g"
" You will get out of there , just play the game".
That was a few years ago. I needed that med. Till this
day almost all the time it helps me sleep.
But i found your blog interesting.
I hope ou guys sleep well. What shit kids go through, huh?..
what a blessing we are all here TOGETHER! XOXOX

G


Top
#377366 - 11/29/11 09:09 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: Sterling]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Gretta, Jeff, and Sterling--thanks for your thoughtful replies. They have helped me and helped me help him. I'll write more specifically tomorrow.

We got in to his previous T tonight she was able to connect with him and have him feel a little bit ok with needing help. We're both drained from the emotional ride of the last day.


Top
#377399 - 11/30/11 07:33 AM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: eyesforward]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Here's the "more later" as promised:
Gretta -- It definitely freaked me out. If it occurs, next time we're going to a psych ward. His therapist had suggestions about where to go, or more specifically where not to go. Our big city has lots of choices, for better and worse.

J1 -- Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you were put in a situation that was so destructive to you and left you feeling such a deep pit of despair and hopelessness. You must be a great guy to have such a caring friend in your manager. I think most if not all of us have people in our lives who would "step up" for us; just in our toughest moments we can't see it or recognize them. I'm really glad you had him and your therapist. Your Churchillian encouragement was exactly what I needed.

Sterling -- You're a smart and resourceful guy for figuring out the game at that bizarro-world, insensitive psych ward and getting out as fast as you could. I hope you find more good people like your T who want the best for you.

36 hours after update on us:
WAYYYYYYYYY more stable and settled. Not 100% and we have a plan -- doc for increase in anti depressant dose, frequent T appointments, promise of no threats of suicide or actions toward it for the next 48 hours, referral to a psychiatrist with an interest/specialization/experience in working with survivors of childhood trauma.


Top
#381667 - 01/06/12 02:06 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: eyesforward]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Well the plan didn't work so well. It's been a series of medical/psychiatric what-the-fucks. Ending with late Wednesday afternoon when he took a handful of his anti-depressant (40), ibuprofen (30) and acetaminophen (30). Good thing he forgot about the 12 Tylenol 3s with codeine from a dental issue last year.

What the fuck #1
His family doc was on an illness leave with no date of return. The answering service said "Take him to an ER" We made a trip to an ER, got a referral to psychiatric ER nearby. After sitting in a locked waiting room for several hours, the psych discharged him with a recommendation to get his family doc to increase his dosage.

What the fuck #2
We didn't get to see the psychiatrist in December. The one we were referred to wasn't taking new patients during the holiday season ... too many current patients were coming in for their year end scrip renewals.

What the fuck #3
Wednesday I called emergency services; at the hospital the police "formed" him, requiring a 48 hospitalization. Almost 40 hours after admission, he finally saw a psychiatrist.

Maybe the end of the WTFs
We got super lucky -- it seems as if the psychiatrist has gotten through to him that this is very serious. She called me for more information. When she asked if I was worried about having him at home, I said I was worried about not having appropriate medical support. She's changing the anti-depressant because "clearly his current medication isn't working," holding him for at least another 24 hours and will be recommending outpatient care. THANK GOD, DEITY, THE UNIVERSE, and/or simple human kindess, caring and wisdom.

I am tired, stressed, frustrated and VERY pissed off.


Top
#381673 - 01/06/12 02:43 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: eyesforward]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
I'm not able to say much right now. But I don't want you to think you are being ignored. Just know I know what you are going through with this. More so, I know what he's going through with this.

_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

Top
#381851 - 01/09/12 02:21 AM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: eyesforward]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I know you have been through much and my heart achEs for you. Know this , though, you are magnificent.! If I ever tried anything, I hope my wife would do as well as you. In fact, I am sure she would. Be blessed.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

Top
#381868 - 01/09/12 12:12 PM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: eyesforward]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
When someone is depressed enough to feel suicidal itís incredibly hard to assure them that things can get better. The feelings they are having feel permanent, which is why they start considering such a drastic way out of the pain they are experiencing, as if there is no other option but to end their own life in order to escape it.

As far as how to help him, being there to listen is crucial. As someone who has felt suicidal in my past, I can attest that a person who is considering suicide feels a pervasive sense of loneliness, like they canít relate to anyone since no one on earth can possibly understand the pain he or she is in. To be clear, you don't want to understand to the point that you are in the same pain as this will not help either of you. Rather, being there for him to listen to and affirm his pain is what he needs to make a connection, and connections are essential to him staying around. Try and avoid giving advice or making value judgments, except to recommend that he see a professional who can also listen and provide a connection.

Re: safety, ask him point blank if he has a plan to harm himself. If the answer is yes ask for specifics like how, when, where, etc. If the answers to these questions lead you to believe that his suicide is pending intervene immediately by calling 9/11. If he doesnít have an immediate plan try to come to an agreement with him where he promises not to harm himself within a set timeframe. This can be for as much as a day or as little as an hour. Breaking it down this way makes his existence more manageable, as in we are talking about small chunks of time, not a whole lifetime, which is how a suicidal person views the enormity of their pain. Also ask for a promise where if he feels he canít keep his agreement for the duration of the agreed upon timeframe that he come to you for further support. Again itís about maintaining a connection.

I base my advice on Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training, or ASIST, which I received through my work. I have had to use in it practice a number of times and believe me it works. In closing I am sorry someone you care about is in so much pain. No doubt it is painful for you also. I hope things get better for both of you soon.


_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And weíll change the world.


Top
#381939 - 01/10/12 01:40 AM Re: Help! He's talking about taking his life [Re: jls]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Robbie, Jim and jls

He's stable and was discharged from inpatient care today with a exactly what we've been seeking for the last month -- changed pre>


Edited by eyesforward (01/22/12 08:39 PM)
Edit Reason: update on progress/status

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.