Originally posted by Leosha:
not sur ewhat to say, how to say it. just think going crayy.
I know the feeling, and it's crappy. Just a few things, in case they might apply to your case.
First, a therapist told me something 10 years ago that I so often forget. You reminded me of it, fortunately. I'll try to get it right.
"Are you perhaps trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense?"
Maybe you spend a lot of time trying to make sense out of what happened to you. I've spent countless hours doing the same thing. Well, there's no use in wearing yourself out doing that, or judging yourself as crazy for not getting it to make some kind of sense.
Sense doesn't enter into it. It's like trying to understand Adolph Hitler with a rational mind. There's no way to get there from here, because the problem was all his.
On the other hand, if you're observing your own body and mind reactions to what happened, you are probably seeing the NORMAL human reactions to such extreme teatment.
There are books on trauma, and they foretell the same common effects of trauma on 99% of the people who go through it. Many people improve in time, though they usually think they never will. The shock waves are real and need to pass. I hope that's what happens for you.
I've understood the gist of everything I've read of yours so far, if that gives you a reality check. We all need those in this particular area of treatment. This abuse stuff will rattle your head for sure.