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#376849 - 11/26/11 07:33 AM Wow! Its not my imagination
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6353
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I keep testing, keep observing, keep feeling in shock. My blood family just won't have anything to do with me and my kids.

So they "post" all about the wonderful holiday together...the same great day we would have enjoyed with them prior to my disclosure...and I'm disappointed...sad. My kids don't get it. I don't get it.

My father and his wife deliberately and quietly did a secret end-run to end-up "elsewhere" for Thanksgiving.

So my kids are learning some very unfortunate things about family. Namely, that it does not exist beyond direct household and that blood-fam AND marriage extension will cut you loose just as quick as a sock-change.

My ex too was to be alone for the day. So the kids and I (cuz I had court dictated visitation) went to her with Thanksgiving dinner.

I don't know what happened to this world to be so un-feeling and self-centered. I just want my kids to see some degree of familial love, protection and loyalty beyond our immediate broken home. Its just not in the cards.

I have to stop being surprised and disapointed. Its just not to be.

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Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

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#376851 - 11/26/11 07:39 AM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Still]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Sorry so sorry...

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#376854 - 11/26/11 08:56 AM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: kolisha54]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 675
Loc: NJ
Robbie - One thing my therapist and I work on all the time are Ruiz' agreements - the 4 agreements. One of them is to not take anything personally. I use this with my children ALL THE TIME. Obviously it works for you and for me, but what a life lesson for them. If someone else treats you badly, the struggle to realize that it is a reflection of THEM, not of you is something easier for children to learn and so incredibly important as we make our way through this life.


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#376856 - 11/26/11 09:08 AM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Esposa]
ksequoia Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 92
Loc: NYC
Love Don Miguel Ruiz' books. On 5th Agreement now. "Be skeptical and ask questions." Awesome insights Don and Jr. have.

K.-


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#376875 - 11/26/11 01:01 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Esposa]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6353
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Esposa
...it is a reflection of THEM, not of you ...


That's a tough one. I take everything personally and feel responsible for things out of my control. But realistically, I look at the exlusion of my kids and me as unique (compared to the treatment of others). So if its uniqueness that's the factor of exlusion, I must ask "why?" Then I conclude, "cuz of something I am or represent or have become...etc.

You'd think they'd realize that following an 18 year marriage, now living alone, being broke, being diagnosed with PTSD and Severe depression, they might invite the kids and I to something??? Call my son on his birthday maybe. Maybe something like they use to do when I acted like a normal???

Seriously people: Disclosure is not for amatures. Its the one area of Mike Lew's book I truly have issues with.

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Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

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#376881 - 11/26/11 02:34 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Still]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown


Seriously people: Disclosure is not for amatures. Its the one area of Mike Lew's book I truly have issues with.


Oh, if I could just stuff that Genie back in the bottle...

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#376897 - 11/26/11 06:09 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Robbie I m sorry you had a disappointing thanksgiving. I thought you did a nice thing having dinner with your ex. Your kids may have enjoyed that more than you know.


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#376904 - 11/26/11 06:34 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Gretta]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6353
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Gretta
Robbie I m sorry you had a disappointing thanksgiving. I thought you did a nice thing having dinner with your ex. Your kids may have enjoyed that more than you know.


We all had a decent time and it was great for the kids to be with her. None of us liked the idea of her sitting alone on Thanksgiving anyway. So I looked at it as a mandatory step for she and the kids.

My sadness and surprise comes from the seemingly universal rejection by my family. I don't get it and it hurts like hell.

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#376908 - 11/26/11 06:45 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Still]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1539
Robbie

I am sorry for your Thanksgiving. My family told me I was not to be part of it. They have made no effort to understand what I have been through or understand what the abuse has done to me. It is sad, I know if it was some one in my wife's facing facing the trauma and PTSD from the sexual abuse and triggers in the home, books galore would have been read and understanding given. Instead all I feel is disbelief from them as to what happened. Never asked about therapy, what the therapist thinks or how I feel from the abuse. I am coping but the past abuse as a child and what I faced in the home that made me feel like the child emotionally and opened the old wounds I had buried and wish they had remained buried, has sometimes been unbearable in the nightmares and flashbacks. Last night being one. I am scratched on my face and arms. Couldn't get the feelings of the bastards hands off me or the spit off my face. So Robbie, you have your children and I have found support with strangers who have become my family. Sad as it is abuse can destroy, but I believe the ignorance of others is just as bad and can cause the trauma to feel like it is happening over and over. But my Psychiatrist says at least I will be able to have some good tomorrows one of these days. This is all that is keeping me going.



Edited by KMCINVA (11/26/11 06:51 PM)

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#376953 - 11/27/11 01:41 AM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: KMCINVA]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6353
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
*************Trigger Warning**************

I have one surviving sister out of the three I was issued. I remember so clearly her efforts to convince my parents that I was "mentally retarded" during the years of sexual abuse from outside the house and the psychotically violent sessions with my father. She was probably right. I likely did present like a diminished persona. You know...bleeding all the time. Screaming in my sleep. Me, hitting on her boyfriends. Affraid of everything and everyone. Off-the-charts depressed. Sexually addicted LONG before puberty.

I don't really know why I even seek any support or basic relations with any of them, but I fully hate being alone in this world.

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#376956 - 11/27/11 02:14 AM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1275
Loc: kansas
you're not alone robbie...

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#376990 - 11/27/11 02:15 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Obi]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
You are not alone. You have your children and they need and love you. You get to create for them a life you didn't have. Coming from a dysfunctional family, it's my greatest challenge. You can create loving empathic siblings. Teach to them to support and love one another;)


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#377060 - 11/27/11 09:19 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Gretta]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Robbie,

Very sorry to hear of the bad holliday you had but it shows your values better than anything else can. You put your kids and wife first and the kids enjoyed seeing their mother. Your kids may learn bad from your family but they are learning good from you - good will always win over bad.

Unfortunately, many show their ignorance by not willing to listen or learn. It's those who refuse to learn are showing their true colours.

You have nothing to worry about. You are doing exactly what's expected of anybody, abused or not. You deserve a "WELL DONE" for the way you handled this situation.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#377063 - 11/27/11 09:30 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Still]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
...My ex too was to be alone for the day. So the kids and I (cuz I had court dictated visitation) went to her with Thanksgiving dinner....


Robbie,

I am glad you had Thanksgiving with your kids along with their mother. It will be forever "known" to your kids how you were there for them and their mother during Thanksgiving. It is hard to be "rejected". I experienced the rejection as well. You are NOT alone in spirit. I thought of you on Thanksgiving.

Kindly,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#377076 - 11/27/11 11:40 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Still]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6806
Loc: USA
Robbie,

I think you are one of the most gifted communicators around. You use different media to get your ideas across.

Sometimes we (survivors) have to find new friends and forget some of the wretched ones.

Puffer


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#377174 - 11/28/11 06:08 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: pufferfish]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Robbie,

As I remember, this father of yours was physically abusive. Not to mention, refused to go to baseball games with you.



Your Dad doesn't deserve your presence. Nor to see his grandchildren.

And that's all there is to it.

_________________________
Female.

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#377176 - 11/28/11 06:13 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Disappointed]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6353
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
D,

You remember one very very sore point. How I LOVED the Red Sox. I grew-up only 30 minutes from Fenway. I SO wanted to go to games from age 6 - on. He would never ever take me. I would not go with others down the road in my teens because I felt it would be a betrayal to go without him. When I emerged in the business world and made enough money for ANYTHING I wanted, I thought I finally had the problem fixed. I figured he never wanted to spend any of his ample dollars on the Sox. So, I would buy us the best tickets possible, do the driving, buy the dinner, etc.

Nope!

FK! Still hurts like hell.

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#377196 - 11/28/11 08:23 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Still]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
That's my point, Robbie. The cad doesn't deserve the title "Dad."

You were born to the wrong Dad. You deserved a worthy one, not this worthless piece of crap who doesn't know what decency means.

Figure it out, Robbie. He's unworthy of you and this has been true your entire life; he's unworthy of a single moment of your time or thought.

I'm glad for your boys they didn't see him on Thanksgiving. He's a rotten example. Absolutely rotten. Fortunately, you escaped his bad character traits!

D.

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Female.

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#377197 - 11/28/11 08:27 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.

.

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Female.

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#377198 - 11/28/11 08:28 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
You deserved a Dad as good a Dad as you are!!!

_________________________
Female.

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#377208 - 11/28/11 08:57 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Disappointed]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6353
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Many years ago, when my son was about 4, my ex got to see what I lived through. Since I live through it...was raised in it, I never even noticed it.

He was out in the yard with my son teaching him something or other. My son, who is off-the-charts bright, did not quite "get" what his grandfather was trying to teach him, or he was trying to figure out the deeper principals at work. My father said "come on...you aren't to bright are ya?" I use to hear that ALL THE FKG TIME. I was not there, but my wife was. Rightly, she shit a brick and set his shit straight.

He use to tell us to "go play in traffic."

OMG...I just love reminiscing...good times.

The nightmare, mad-dog beating/terror sessions were like watching The Excorsist on acid...and I am NOT kidding.

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#377209 - 11/28/11 09:01 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Still]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
That's my point, Robbie. After I grieved the lack of a good, decent father, I wouldn't pine after that heartless bastard's attention.

He's never deserved it. He should be kneeling on the floor in front of you, begging your forgiveness.

My Dad NEVER beat me. Not once. Not ever. I was his rare and precious gem. He always listened to me and encouraged me, and took my ideas seriously.

That's what you deserved, Robbie. He's dirt under your feet.

D.

_________________________
Female.

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#377333 - 11/29/11 06:22 PM Re: Wow! Its not my imagination [Re: Disappointed]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Robbie, please stay strong for your kids. You seem like a great person, trying to heal and recover and it's heartbreaking to read how you are rejected.

When we have abusive parents (in the broadest sense) I found it best to try to let go of it, meaning stop expecting anything of them. Mine haven't been the best parents, and ever since I stopped expecting anything of them it's better, more bearable and I'm less resentful.No, I didn't come up with this by myself. It's the result of 3 years in therapy with a great therapist.


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