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#376559 - 11/23/11 02:08 AM Morbid Daydreams.
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
This should be a good one!

Okay anyone have any morbid daydreams (non sexual)?

I'm curious because I've always kinda had them.

One of my biggest ones is,
If i'm outside at night, alone, I always prepare myself for a mountain lion attack. lol, I know. I play everything out in my head. The sheer strength, size, and speed of the lion and my trying to protect my neck or picking up a shovel.
It's weird but I always end up convincing myself that there's a mountain lion right around the corner, ready to crush me and rip my throat out. BTW I live in the city! lmao!

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#376578 - 11/23/11 10:56 AM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: kinghenri]
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
lol

Yes, I think its a ptsd thing. Kinda how war vets with ptsd scan overpasses on the highways or keep an eye on alleyways.

Personally, I'm a construction foreman and I constantly fear and mentally prepare for the worst most ridiculously rare accidents. I can really go over the top with safety measures some times. Coworkers will poke fun at me (all in good fun) when I get overally cautions.

When I walk into a bar or see a concert I always know where the closest exit is, just in case their is a fire.

I can be very morbid at times, my friends always say I have a plan a and plan b for any possible outrages situation.

I think it can be exhausting but at the same time when that mountain lion is waiting for you, you'll be damn ready lol.


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#376580 - 11/23/11 11:21 AM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: Riley]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I am much the same way. I am a front-line worker/1st responder and am always in a state of alert, preparing for the worst, whether it be an accident or to respond to an act of community violence. When I'm at work this mindset is called for and serves me well (given the environment) but being "on" like this even in my off time is definitely draining.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#376582 - 11/23/11 11:47 AM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: jls]
gjonbos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 48
Loc: MA
This caught my eye....

I guess what I experience is somewhat similar. If I am walking out and about sometimes, these scenarios play out in my head of a person or a group of people attempting to jump me or someone else in my vicinity....and I of course with catlike agility and martial arts expertise (I have neither) disarm the perps, knock a few punks out, and save the day. If it's not that...it's some genetic mutation (ala X-Men) or superpower that allow me to rid the world of crime. I feel really silly admitting that - but there must be something to it right?

_________________________
"Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook"

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#376584 - 11/23/11 11:57 AM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: jls]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 616
Loc: VA
CSA is only one of the things that can dispose us to hypervigilance. Me, I probably worry more than average about having a house fire--could it be because I was carried out of a burning house in the middle of the night at age 3? And I find myself very distrustful of drivers when I'm waiting to cross a street--probably a healthy attitude, but am I "hyper" about it because somebody ran a stopsign and hit me when I was 11?

Not whining here, just trying to suggest that we shouldn't be surprised or discouraged that an ugly and intentionally inflicted trauma like CSA has a similar lasting effect. Peace!

John


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#376586 - 11/23/11 12:10 PM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: unhappycamper]
ksequoia Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 92
Loc: NYC
I so relate to the fire fear. My sister was killed in a fire when I had just turned 5. The memories of being bussed home from nursery school to an ambulance in our driveway still lingers. For the following 11 years, until I drove myself to school, I anticipated the school bus dropping me off to a house on fire or an ambulance in the driveway.

When I hear sirens, I think they're coming to my apartment building. I'm also a 9/11 "survivor", if the wounds didn't have enough salt poured into them.


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#376590 - 11/23/11 12:55 PM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: ksequoia]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
yeah - i have the hypervigilance stuff also.

was afraid to go into public restroom for years -- thought someone would jump me - beat me up - stab me - shoot me - rape me. would only go in with another trusted friend or family member. would never go to the restroom at the same time my wife went (at the mall or a store) --- never told her why ---- when she came out - i would say - "i think i better go now - just in case" ----- then would give her something to hold - and say "wait here for me" -------- or in a restaurant -- if i just HAD TO GO - as i left the table - i would tell my wife -- "if im not back in 10 min - look for me".........
THIS AINT NORMAL THINKING and I HATE IT....
But since I have been in recovery -- i am able to pee..........(usually)

Likewise - I look for exits --- rooftops of buildings -- got a conceal/carry permit (but don't carry it) --- sit in the corner of a room facing the door ------- used to carry a 9in section of galvanized pipe in my coat pocket when i was in JR high and HS (my dad was a plumber) ------------ ON AND ON AND ON it goes.

Brother - I UNDERSTAND............ believe me
and I hate it................


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#376591 - 11/23/11 12:57 PM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: Sobernow]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
oh -- btw

I have NEVER been in a fight before -- in my life......

NEVER been jumped or mugged...........

So why can't I stop this crap in my head.
(mindfuck i guess)


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#376608 - 11/23/11 05:40 PM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: Sobernow]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
On and off I have had dreams of being attacked while sleeping during a nightime robbery. I've been woken out of many a deep sleep, shaken only to kill the rest of the night trying to reassure myself that everything is ok so I can fall back to sleep.

This is even with both burglar & fire alarms (which are always on) & my 45 in close reach. Even the outside of my house & property are lit up on all four sides, looks like Tony Soprano's house with the lights. Then there's the closed circut cameras mounted outside... What must the neighbors think? No wonder they are so nice to me smile

Something new to throw into the works, now I'm hooked up to a C-pap machine to sleep so that I keep breathing... makes me feel more vulnerable at night. And the sleep study at the hospital, I had to try and sleep knowing that there was a camera on me all night with people watching... They told me I did sleep, but it felt like I never did when they woke me in the morning. I dreaded the sleep study for weeks before, but they were all extremely nice.

When out I allways keep an eye on the doorways & exits, sit in the back or a corner, etc... Public restrooms can be creepy, but will use them if I have to, I'm just on high alert in there.

I may be a tad over the top, but shit does happen, better safe than sorry. Besides, my family benefits from the added safety.


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#376611 - 11/23/11 05:45 PM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: George]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
i do the same things. Map plans out for things i mentally know won't happen. Or are very unlikely to happen. I also always scan a new area or room and usually notice when something is changed, even if its just a plant or something.
It's kinda exhausting really. 'Normal' minds ignore many things for a reason, after all.

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

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#376652 - 11/24/11 12:03 AM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: Drop]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
I think, while hyper-vigilance can be quite draining, it can have it's benefits.
If there's ever a fire, or break in, or work accident, or mountain lion attack lol, we survivors will sure be ready.
I have a six inch, K bar style knife I carry with me all the time, just in case that damn mountain lion decides I'm his next meal. I think not!!!!!

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#376718 - 11/24/11 09:55 PM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: kinghenri]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
I used to have night terrors.

Wake up screaming "No"!

Wake up positive someone was standing over me.

I had a doctor tell me i'd been living on adrenaline for 30+ years.

Being hyper vigilant was my normal state.

Today-this is all part of the past - something I grateful for- it DOES get better.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#376737 - 11/25/11 12:32 AM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I'm quite unaware of my bad dreams. I think it's because I have shut them out of my conscious mind. I think the dreams come during what they call "REM sleep". I am told by my dentist that I grind my teeth at night. I don't get a good night's rest in even 8 hours. I use a CPAP machine but I believe it to be a partial fix. A good nap for about an hour seems to bring me up to speed. I nap with TV or pleasant music going. I think the sound keeps my mind from going into a nose-dive from the gyrations of dreams.

Puffer





Edited by pufferfish (11/25/11 12:38 AM)

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#376742 - 11/25/11 01:14 AM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: pufferfish]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Yes YES!

I thought that I was the only one that thought this way.
I am actually surprised at how many people responded to this post


I liked what Ryan said about it being a PTSD thing. That make a lot of sense, I just never thought of it that way.

For instance, I have a terrible fear of being tied-up and restrained or kidnapped.
I used to write out these "survival tactics." I must have written over 150 of them.
here is an example of one:

"When being being dragged/forced by 1 or 2 guys into the back of a car/trunk, try to kick out a tail-light. That way when they are driving down the road they have a chance of being pulled over by the police for the busted taillight and when they pull over the police officer can/will hopefully her me kicking and screaming in the back."

I have so many of these weird improbable scenarios that I have thought about and even written down from over the ages, I guess I began doing them since my mid teens, now that I think about it.

When ever i walk down the street, I never "advertise" where I am going and sometimes cross streets diagonally and/or against the light so that no one can easily follow me.

I am always scanning my environment-day and night, to try to figure out what peoples intentions are, what is in their hands...
and then I travel down the "what if" scenarios. Like if he has a gun, what and where will provide amble cover and protection.

When ever I enter a building, I always locate at least 2 exits.

I always like to have options in any (possible) situation.

I have fantasized many times: what if terrorists/ heavily armed gunmen tried to raid where I am.

It my lab, I used to remember where all the dif. chemicals were to make both chemical grenades and fragmentation types, and store extra beakers to use as receptacles for them.

I could go on and on.

I have more flashlights than anyone I know and the most powerful flashlights-the kind that can temporarily blind someone from more than 100ft!

Anyway, my dad always used the motto: "Better to have and not need, Than to need and not have."

I guess That I have lived up to it to an extreme degree.

Thank you Henri for bringing up this topic, I never would have thought to relate it to survivor issues, but I guess they are directly related after all.

Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#377129 - 11/28/11 01:09 PM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: Logan]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Thanks for the continued posts on this subject.

And to think -- I thought I had the most hypervigilance --- But Logan should get a PhD..... lol

But seriously --- I remember the first CSA recovery book I read -- when the section on "Hypervigilance" was read by me --- it was like "Bingo!" --- someone has been following me around. Actually - it made me fell not so weird......

BTW -- I now have a video camera that is outside my office door -- that is recorded 24/7 and a screen i can look at before someone comes in my office. LOGAN - I bet you don't have that!!!! Gottcha

Im just poking fun at myself really.

Oh -- Christmas shopping is pretty stressful with the wife -- because I refuse to park in a parking garage unless there is absolutely nothing else available......


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#385406 - 02/12/12 01:57 AM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: Sobernow]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Okay. I actually enjoy the daydreams now as I carry a handgun.
Just in case. Now I can picture myself coming out of anything as long as
a) I don't use it unless I absolutely have to
b) I don't hesitate when it is for sure needed.

Luckily, the state of Arizona respects my right to carry open or concealed. I don't even need a permit, although I'm getting one soon just as a learning experience.

As for the shooting range? I'm pretty quick at dispatching deadly fruits and vegetables!!! Lol. Gotta watch out for those watermelons!

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#385414 - 02/12/12 03:23 AM Re: Morbid Daydreams. [Re: kinghenri]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I missed this one the 1st time around.
Glad to see it this time.

Some of my worst daydreams are like a mental argument that i can almost hear another voice or voices accusing me or criticizing or mocking and i am trying to answer or make excuses or explain or justify myself. No mystery why this happens... I used to experience exactly that scenario frequently and always was anticipating it and trying to prepare for it and have a defense ready or way of defusing or deflecting the situation prepared and rehearsed...

And Puffer & Mt. Buck - I totally get what both of you are saying. I used to have night terrors too and couldn't wake up even when i was being shaken, slapped, shouted at and having cold water thrown on me. It just became another layer of the reality of the dream world. I would see, hear, feel, everything that was actually happening in addition to what i was dreaming/nightmaring - but it was more like a hallucination,really. I eventually "outgrew" it or passed through that "phase" as my completely clueless parents put it. By the middle of my teens - coincidentally - when we moved away from the town, state and country where the worst and most frequent of the abuse and bullying took place, that type of nocturnal activity stopped. I would wake up "hung-over" and exhausted the nest morning and only remember vague images and sensations...

Then I went through a long period when I rarely if ever remebered any details of dreams but would wake up knowing that I had had one and that it had been bad. It bothered me not to remember - but it might have bothered me more to remember so i didn't obsess about it. The ones i did remember were so cryptic and surreal and innocuous that i knew they were heavily encoded and that the "real" meaning was so bad that i couldn't handle it so my mind was protecting me. I have woken up my wife numerous times by talking or moning or crying our in my sleep. My wife just gave me a kids book about bad dreams for my birthday. At first i was sort of taken aback and felt like i was being taunted - then realized it was her cute way of saying she understands and is trying to help.

Now - just within the past couple of months - i have started remembering dreams more often and even knowing exactly what they mean. And usually they are telling we something new or clarifying something i need to understand - or confirming something that i suspect but am not sure about. Some i can even connect directly to daydreams or things that happened or that i read during the previous day. I think that's good.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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