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#376548 - 11/23/11 12:34 AM 40 Steps to saving your marriage
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
This is for all those that have "abused" their wives emotionally, and the lovely woman in our lives are sick of us.
We know we love them, but unfortunately cant show it, or don't know how to show it.
I do this for you all, as well as myself, so lets support one another and bless the wonderful ladies in our lives for a change.

CSA recovery is unfortunately a very very selfish endeavour, and this impacts on our marriages, so here is a 40 day programme to Saving our marriage and make our ladies feel special.

This programme is taken from a book called the "LOVE DARE" No author.
I cant rewrite all in the book, so buy it.
Its a Christian based book, but that doesn't matter cause it works. love dare


Let me know how it goes.

Heal well all
Martin


_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#376551 - 11/23/11 12:47 AM DAY ONE [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
DAY 1

Love is Patient

Love is built on patience and kindness.
When you choose to be patient you will respond in a positive way in negative situations.
Patience brings an internal calm in a ragging storm, so if you are patient, you will not react in angry, foolish irrational ways.
Try today to react to ALL situations in a patient and loving way, Guard your instant response, the rolling of the eyes, the sigh, the turning away in anger. Mark how your body reacts and avoid those normal behaviours.
Few of us do patience well, and none of us do it naturally, so pursue patience, and you will bring a calm to your home.
Patience is kind.
Patience is loving.
Patience is forgiving.
Patience is slow to anger.

TODAY"S CHALLENGE:
Today you must resolve to say NOTHING negative, and demonstrate Patience. If you want to say something bad rather say nothing at all.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#376653 - 11/24/11 12:06 AM DAY TWO [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS KIND

Kindness can be broken down into 4 Parts
Gentleness: Is when you speak and act gently, when even a rebuke is said in love, and you go out of your way to do everything with thought and fore-site.

Helpfulness: that thing you should do when you would rather be watching the football, without the complaining.

Willingness: doing things with out being grumpy and stubborn, look for reasons to compromise and accommodate.

Initiative: Think ahead and take the first step, dont sit on the couch and wait to be asked to repair that old broken light, just do it. When you see a need, you make your move FIRST.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE:
Don't say anything negative to your spouse, but also do one act of kindness with out being asked and seeking validation


Stay the Course brothers

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#376730 - 11/25/11 12:00 AM DAY THREE [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS NOT SELFISH

Selfishness means that you will put your own wants and desires before that of your spouse. That new phone you wanted the I pad you want.

Todays challenge

Along with refraining from negative comments, and doing an act of kindness, Buy something for your spouse that says I was thinking of you today.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#376747 - 11/25/11 06:43 AM Re: DAY THREE [Re: whome]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Martin I love this. It is the perfect gift just before the holidays Thanks


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#376758 - 11/25/11 08:39 AM Re: DAY THREE [Re: mike13]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Thanks for sharing this, Martin. I'm going to try it...

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#376770 - 11/25/11 11:54 AM DAY FOUR [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS THOUGHTFUL.

When you first fell in love you were thoughtful, if simply to impress your loved one, so why stop.?
Being thoughtful means that you show her that you are thinking of her all the time, and that you help her when she is struggling. Remember those special times that you had together, the anniversaries and special things that you did together.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE.

Along with no negative talk. Take time out of your busy schedule to call your spouse and just talk, no agenda, just talk. Ask her how her day is, and ask her if there is something that you can pick up on the way home for her, or if there is something that she needs or wants for herself.

Stay the course
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#376771 - 11/25/11 12:18 PM Re: DAY FOUR [Re: whome]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks Martin!

I can never have too many positive inputs into my day or my relationships.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#376991 - 11/27/11 02:30 PM DAY FIVE [Re: Mountainous Buck]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS NOT RUDE

To act rude is embarrassing and unbecoming.
In a marriage, this could be bad table manners, a foul mouth, bad language or unnecessary sexual talk.

It may seem like a small thing to you, but to your spouse, after many years of the same behaviour, it becomes a huge issue.

TODAYS CHALLENGE
Ask your spouse to tell you about three things that irritate or make them feel uncomfortable, that you do.
You must ask this without attacking them or bemoaning them, this is from their perspective.

Stay the course
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377220 - 11/28/11 10:49 PM DAY SIX [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS NOT IRRITABLE
How easily do you get irritated and offend.
There are two factors that can make you irritated
Stress:
Deficiencies: like a lack of sleep, food, and exercise.
Look at these factors and make adjustments.

TODAYS CHALLENGE.
Choose to react to tough circumstances in a loving manner.
Make a list of any wrong motivations that you need to release from you life, and also where you need to add margin to the way that you reacted to a situation

Stay on track
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377384 - 11/30/11 12:49 AM DAY SEVEN [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE BELIEVES THE BEST

There are two rooms in our hearts, one contains all the things we appreciate about our partner, good cook, kindness, loving, caring, nurturing, and all the rest of the good things our partners are.
The other room caries all the resentful things, liar, cheater, alcoholic, etc.

We must choose not to live in the room of resentments, but rather in the room of appreciation.
The only time we go into the room of resentments is to smile at ourselves and write in large letters across the wall, COVERED IN LOVE.

TODAYS CHALLENGE

Get two sheets of paper and spend sometime writing down on one the positive things about your partner.
On the other the negative things about the partner.
Then place the two sheets in a secret place for another day.
There is a purpose for this later.
During the remainder of the day, pick one positive trait out of the list and thank your partner for this trait

Stay the course

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377441 - 11/30/11 03:06 PM DAY EIGHT [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS

I think this one speaks for it self
Love is not jealous of friends, possessions, abilities and so on. It also comes into play when someone upstages you or if you feel that they have gotten what you want.
Jealousy can be based on Love or on Envy, Either way it is a powerful and destructive force that has no place in a marriage.
The Green monster also has no place in your life, so if it happens in your office or any of your environments, and it affects you it will affect your marriage.

TODAYS CHALLENGE
Determine to become your partners biggest fan. Take the list of negatives that you drew up yesterday and Quietly burn it.
Then go to her and tell her how proud you are of one of His/Her Successes.

Steer the course
Heal well
Martin



_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377517 - 12/01/11 06:55 AM Re: DAY EIGHT [Re: whome]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Thanks Martin day eight is the best so far smile Mike


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#377650 - 12/02/11 12:53 AM DAY NINE [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE MAKES GOOD IMPRESSIONS

Think about the way in which you greet your partner in the morning, is it a greeting covered in love or is it just a mundane morning with no love and no feeling.
Use every opportunity to greet your partner with love, a smile and a warm embrace.

TODAYS CHALLENGE
Think of a way that you can greet your partner today, and use this as your new way of greeting them from this day on. be creative, and work from love.

Keep the course
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377673 - 12/02/11 02:45 AM Re: DAY NINE [Re: whome]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Martin what if we sleep on different shifts? She sleeps at night and I sleep during the day. JK I now have some homework to do Mike


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#377679 - 12/02/11 05:07 AM Re: DAY NINE [Re: mike13]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Mike

I think the big thing here is to Be excited when you see her, like you really are happy to be together IN THAT MOMENT.
There must be times when you are together, and don't forget the fone, it to is a great tool.
If you talk to her on the fone, take a moment to put a big smile on your face before you dial her number, the smile changes the way your voice sounds, {Receptionist 101}
If your marriage is important enough, (I'm not suggesting yours isnt) you will adapt some of these techniques to suit your situation.

I think the main purpose of these steps is actually to get your head off yourself, and too focus it on her for a while.

Ill also start a post called romantic tips for today, but one thing at a time.

Hope this helps you Mike and don't be shy, she's still around so she does like you.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377856 - 12/03/11 02:38 AM Re: DAY NINE [Re: whome]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Martin thanks for the heads up. I meant the last comment as a joke sorry. My wife teaches High School Science and it always makes the students sick when we kiss on the phone. Have a great weekend Mike


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#377858 - 12/03/11 03:04 AM DAY TEN [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL

When we ask a wife why she loves her husband she will normally say, he is good looking, or he has a good sense of humour or he is reliable, or he works hard.
Men would say that She's pretty, a good cook, a good mother, wonderful wife etc.
Truth is that these are things and if you took away one of these would you love him or her less?
So love is unconditional, I love you because, I love you. We are friends lovers and confidantes. LOVE IS A COMMITMENT. A choice

Todays Challenge

Do something unusual for your partner today, clean the kitchen, wash her car, buy his favourite dessert or chocolate. It must be something that is solely for them a blessing that will show them you CHOOSE to be with them and do things for them.

Stay the course

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377879 - 12/03/11 08:50 AM Re: DAY TEN [Re: whome]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Way to go Martin, Love this.
God Bless

LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL

When we ask a wife why she loves her husband she will normally say, he is good looking, or he has a good sense of humour or he is reliable, or he works hard.
Men would say that She's pretty, a good cook, a good mother, wonderful wife etc.
Truth is that these are things and if you took away one of these would you love him or her less?
So love is unconditional, I love you because, I love you. We are friends lovers and confidantes. LOVE IS A COMMITMENT. A choice

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#378071 - 12/04/11 07:59 AM DAY ELEVEN [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE CHERISHES

A guy has an old car, and it is starting to give trouble. So he takes it to a mechanic and they do an assessment.
The car needs a complete overhaul and is going to cost quite a bit, so the man decides to trade in the old clunker on a new car.
Good decision Yeah

Another man is at work and there is an accident, his hand is badly damaged in a machine. It is going to take a lot of money to repair, and a lot of physio therapy to get it functional again.
The guy has some saving and immediately tells the doctor to repair his hand.
Logical Choice right.

We often treat our marriages as we would the old car, well its broken so trade it in on a new one, but these are the woman that have stood by us through our drinking and acting out, through our recovery.

We don't see them as an extension of our very selves, being married to someone, is like the two become one, ask anyone that has gone through a divorce. The pain exceeds what is normal for the loss of a thing.
Our wives/partners become an extension of our very selves, part of our being. We should treat them as such.
A Important quote for us is
"He who loves his wife, loves himself"

TODAYS CHALLENGE

What need does your partner have, financial or otherwise. Choose to do something that she would normally do, but does not enjoy doing. Clean the house, do the shopping, Buy her that car she always wanted, but that you didn't want to buy because it didn't benefit you.
Choose a Gesture that says I CHERISH YOU, and do it with a smile and no regret.

Stay the Course
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#378150 - 12/04/11 05:37 PM Re: 40 Steps to saving your marriage [Re: whome]
ACLover94 Offline


Registered: 06/18/11
Posts: 40
Loc: EAST COAST USA
Martin, bravo. Beautiful work my brother!

Peace
George

_________________________
George!

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#378215 - 12/05/11 12:26 AM DAY TWELVE [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE LETS THE OTHER WIN

You could think of at least ten things that you and you partner disagree about. Being stubborn is not an endearing trait. Really think about the disagreement, is it that big a deal, or is it your own selfish pride.
Think of what stepping back would mean to your partner

TODAYS CHALLENGE

Demonstrate love by willingly giving in to an area of Disagreement between you and your partner. Tell them (without gloating of course) that you are putting their preference first.
Remember that Survivors are all about control, so this challenge holds different meaning for us. Learning to yield would be a big step in your recovery, and your marriage.

Dont give up Brothers
The fight is worth it

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#378218 - 12/05/11 12:40 AM Re: DAY TWELVE [Re: whome]
Incognito Offline


Registered: 04/17/11
Posts: 105
Great posts. There are a lot of awesome reminders on here that can help us along the way, even for the ones who aren't married.

_________________________
"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate

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#378380 - 12/06/11 12:30 AM DAY THIRTEEN [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE FIGHTS FAIR

When we marry, we marry not only that perfect person that we fell in love with, we also marry their fears, perceptions, dislikes and insecurities.
So conflict will happen in any marriage as these things start to rear their ugly heads.
It is how we fight and argue that counts.
Sometimes we get personal, this isn't fair, we use so-called confidential information against each other. If we know something private about a friend, we wouldn't throw that into the mix in a fight, so why do we feel "entitled" to do so with our partners.
No Fair.

Today's Challenge

Sit down with your partner, and set out some rules for engagement (in an argument that is).
If the partner isn't up to it, then write out your own list, and stick to the rules that you have set forth.

Stay the course
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#378534 - 12/07/11 02:42 AM Re: DAY THIRTEEN [Re: whome]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Great idea thanks. Mike


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#378558 - 12/07/11 11:28 AM Re: 40 Steps to saving your marriage [Re: whome]
rws0912 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 12
Loc: Pa
Wow! very true Thank you thiws has really helped; especially today and for this time of year; I will be sure to practice this again Thanks In Peace

RWS


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#378562 - 12/07/11 11:41 AM Re: 40 Steps to saving your marriage [Re: rws0912]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
I dont know if you want responses on this thread, so if it san issue I'll delete this.

the last piece sorta has "backpack" fighting all over it...Good T and I talked about this laugh

In a fight, argue about the issue, dont open your backpack and throw all the things you have been holding onto into that fight.

this has helped me and the wife tremendously.

H

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#378575 - 12/07/11 02:14 PM DAY FOURTEEN [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE TAKES DELIGHT

As time goes on, we loose focus and lose why it is that we fell in love with our partners in the first place.
We tend to focus on their negative traits and not on their positive traits.
We all know that where your attention is their your heart is also. So if you focus on the negative that is all we will see. If you focus on the good things that is all you will see. So rather focus on the positives.
We survivors have had enough negatives in our lives.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE.

Purposefully neglect something that you would normally do today, and spend that time with your partner, doing something that he/she would love to do, a project that would like to do.
Just spend time with them


Stay the Course.


_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#378698 - 12/08/11 01:26 PM DAY FIFTEEN [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS HONOURABLE

To Honour someone means, to give them respect and high esteem, to treat them as being special and of great worth.
So if you honour someone you would listen to them when they speak, and if they ask for your help, you would do whatever possible to accommodate them. Quite simply you would RESPECT THEM.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE

Choose a way in which to show that you respect your partner, perhaps listen to them, pack away their clothes, open the door for them. Any act that will show that you respect them

Stay the Course
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#378894 - 12/10/11 04:02 AM DAY SIXTEEN [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE INTERCEDES

OK, So today might be hard for some of you, but (I interject here)this is an important step, so take it as it comes.
The most effective way to change your partner, is not through nagging, moaning, or begging.
It is through prayer. Prayer that God can change your partners heart, because you sure as hell cant. If you are working this programme with me, it means that the relationship is in trouble, and we need help.
So call on the God of your understanding (I'm being PC here) and ask him to help intercede here.
Remember to be honest with yourself in this one and not ask for help to completely change Her/Him, this wont work.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE

Today call upon the power of prayer, and ask God to change three things in your Partners heart. Be clear about the three things that need changing, ie. Make her more sensitive towards me as a person. Or help her to be more forgiving of my mistakes etc. These are changes that can work. (These are suggestions not instructions, Come up with your own three.)

Stay the course Brothers
PS tomorrows one is a DOOZIE, tune in for this one.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#379043 - 12/11/11 08:23 PM Re: DAY SIXTEEN [Re: whome]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
You sure at right about the difficulty Martin. I wonder what tomorrow will bring Mike


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#379455 - 12/14/11 04:27 PM DAY SEVENTEEN [Re: mike13]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE PROMOTES INTIMACY

One can be close to a good friend, a brother, parents, a cousin, or an uncle. The need to have this sort of relationship is great, the need to be recognized, understood, loved and needed are paramount to our very survival. But, Nothing compares to the closeness experienced in a marriage. There are things shared between partners that are not shared with anybody else in the world. there are intimate secrets, that only your partner knows and understands.

Question is, do you use this knowledge to Love your partner beyond anything you have ever experienced, Or do you use this knowledge to inflict pain, to wound your partner and cut them to the very core?

Are the secrets that your partner knows about you secrets of shame or secrets that will draw them closer to you?

Is your home a place of safety, where you can share your deepest most shameful secrets, where you can make mistakes, and withdraw into the safety of your nest, or, is it a place where you feel on your guard all the time?
If you feel that you cannot be "safe" at home, then chances are good that you will seek this elsewhere, outside of your marriage.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE

Determine to guard your partners secrets (unless dangerous) and to pray for them.
Talk with your partner and really listen to them, as they share their fears and struggles with you.
Pledge to guard this information, and to love them, in spite of this information.

Stay the course

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#379962 - 12/18/11 03:32 PM DAY EIGHTEEN [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE SEEKS TO UNDERSTAND

We (men) and women I suppose, will go out and learn all that we can about the things we are passionate about, Football, ask me anything on Formula one, or the latest Ford Focus RS. I will be able to reel of stats and facts. But ask me what my wife's favourite perfume or colour is????....???

Now there is nothing wrong with having outside interests, but we don't rate our Partner as one of those interests any more.
When we were dating, Well I'm a survivor, so my behaviour was totally different, but I did take the time to learn what I needed to court her. (This is way more important for us survivors to do, we need to learn from scratch how we need to behave)

Do you know what your Partners dreams and aspirations are.?
Do you know what their Fears are and why?
Do you know your Partners love language, or how they prefer to receive love?

TODAY'S CHALLENGE

Make a Dinner for your partner one night, it can be a fancy dinner or just a great salad, (don't go out and by a Mc and cheese)and whilst you two are alone, take the time to learn about your partner, the dreams, fears, aspirations, and their love language.

Stay the course.



_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#379992 - 12/18/11 08:20 PM Re: DAY EIGHTEEN [Re: whome]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
What to cook for dinner tonight Hmmmm smile


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#380112 - 12/20/11 12:58 AM Re: 40 Steps to saving your marriage [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Things Get Very Christian from here guys and I need your permission If you would like me to carry on.
I am working the programme just as I am posting it, and it does seem to be working.
There are days where I have not posted and I have taken those days to go back over certain steps because I messed them up.
I am not quite back in the bedroom yet, but I do at least get smiles and the occasional kiss and hug. "Is this improvement" you might ask. "YES"
I was on the verge of actually packing the bags myself, I did not need her to tell me to leave, it was so bad I was willing to leave myself.

Please post if

1) you are working the programme
2) It is working for you
3) If you want me to continue in the Christian Vein

Stay the course

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#380145 - 12/20/11 07:49 AM Re: 40 Steps to saving your marriage [Re: whome]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Yes to all three Martin. My wife is starting to think that alliens have taken the real me and she is very happy with the replacement. Mike


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#380147 - 12/20/11 08:10 AM Re: 40 Steps to saving your marriage [Re: mike13]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Martin,

Keep posting-u don't need anyone's permission and u don't have to apologize for your beliefs here.

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We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#380316 - 12/21/11 03:10 PM DAY NINETEEN [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS IMPOSSIBLE

True, really true love is IMPOSSIBLE. We cannot manufacture true Godly love out of our hearts.
You can be Kind, Unselfish, thoughtful, and considerate, but to truly love someone unconditionally, is an entirely different matter.
We mere mortals are incapable of achieving this type of love, we cannot kid ourselves that we can.
It is only through the Love Of God, His love for you, and His Love for your partner. God Expresses His Love through you.
You see, the best love that we can muster, has to date not kept us from lying, lusting after another or controlling our anger.
How many times has your love motivated to forgive?
So what is the secret to love, well it is only through Him that we can truly love.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE
Look Back over the challenges over the last 18 days, where there some that seemed impossible?
Have you realized a need for God to change your heart and give you the ability to Love?
Pray and Seek from Him Where you stand with Him, and ask for strength and Grace to settle your Eternal destination.

Stay the Course.

_________________________
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#380333 - 12/21/11 06:32 PM Re: DAY NINETEEN [Re: whome]
OurLastChance Offline


Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 32
Loc: USA
Hi Martin,
After a 5 month hiatus I am back. This topic seems exactly what I need right now. Can you tell me what this countdown is from?
Thank you,
OLC


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#380476 - 12/23/11 01:04 AM Day Twenty [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS JESUS CHRIST

No greater love has ever been shown us than the love of that of Christ. He took our illness, sins, indiscretions and took them to the Cross with him. There is a lot about the love of Christ in the bible and that will be part of your challenge today.

TODAYS CHALLENGE

Dare to take God at his word today, Dare to accept God, to accept His love, accept the fact that He is here to love you and your partner. Accept that He really cares for you and that He wants only the best for you.

Many of us here on this forum, will take issue with what has been written here, myself included, I cried at night asking God why I had to suffer what I did in my life.
But it is written in Romans, "And all things happen for good" That means for some reason we had to endure what we did, because God will use it at some point in our lives.

Heal well All
Martin

_________________________
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#380486 - 12/23/11 08:39 AM Re: Day Twenty [Re: whome]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Martin you are starting to crank up the degree of difficulty. My high school soccer coach said that is the sign of a great coach. Keep up the great work Mike


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#380525 - 12/23/11 04:01 PM Re: Day Twenty [Re: whome]
neveragain Offline


Registered: 12/21/11
Posts: 26
whome this is so cool thank you for all of this


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#380559 - 12/24/11 02:15 AM Day Tewenty one [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS SATISFIED IN GOD

Step 20 is vitally important in this process. This is where you realize that there is NOTHING that You can do to repair the damage that sin causes in a relationship.
So when we start realizing that we are meerly human, and that your partner will let you down, then you know that you can always turn to God. If your husband is late, God is always on time, and If your wife has forgotten to get you something, God will always supply your needs, "according to his riches and glory"
So If you Approach God in Utter Dependence each Day, then you will discover how he will supply and fulfil your needs. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made unto God, and the Peace of God that surpasses all understanding, will Guard your hearts and your minds, through Christ Jesus"
You need to ask God to supply your daily needs, and he will deliver "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will Grant you the Desires of your heart"

TODAY'S CHALLENGE

Be intentional today, about making a specific time to pray, and read the Bible, try reading a chapter out of the book of proverbs, (one per day) and immerse your self in the Promises and love Of God.

Stay the course.
Martin

I don't know about you Guys, but this is really opening my eyes and I hope that it is doing the same for you. My Marriage is still rocky But not as stained, but I am the first to admit that I am the broken one and that I need to be fixed.
It is also hard for me because I have rebelled against my faith, and to write these>
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#380800 - 12/27/11 02:25 AM Day twent y two [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE IS FAITHFUL

Love is the basis of our faith, When Christ was asked what the greatest commandment of all was, He replied. "You shall love the lord your God with all your heart, soul strength and mind, and that you should love your neighbour as yourself"
There is the Story of Hosea, a faithful man whom God instructed to marry a prostitute. He honoured God and did so, and the couple had three children, after a while Hosea's wife began to stray and be unfaithful, but each time God instructed him to forgive her.
Eventually She went of and was unfaithful to him and Hosea suffered the embarrassment of having to buy her back of the slave blocks. He did this.
You see God never stops loving us and even though we are less than perfect and turn our backs on him (I know I have, a lot) He never turns his back on us and never stops loving us.
So if we have hurt our partners to such an extent, we are honour bound to love them more.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE

Love is a Choice, so today Choose to love your partner, even though she has stopped receiving your love.
Say to her in words similar to these. "I love you, Period, I choose to love you, even if you don't love me in return."

Stay the Course

_________________________
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#381389 - 01/04/12 02:33 AM Day twenty three [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI All and welcome back.
I wish you all a great 2012 and hope that this programme is doing something for you.
For me things are really rough, but it is important to not give up. Go back and redo a couple of steps, but NEVER GIVE UP. This is a hard lesson for me, but I keep in mind that the best things are worth fighting for, and God is always faithful.


LOVE ALWAYS PROTECTS

Marriage is not always what we fantasized about, it is hard and takes a lot of work. But it is worth fighting for. There are some battles that we don't not want to wage, but there are others that are worth it.
Not everyone or everything has your best interests at heart, and many things are out there to trip us up and make us stumble. There are temptations out there that want to lure you away from your marriage, things that look so nice, but they want to destroy your relationships. You Must Fight these, and win, you need to fight to protect your marriage.

Harmful influences
Are you allowing certain habits to poison your home, Television, the internet, unhealthy work schedules. These factors take away from healthy time spent with your family. Spending 4 hours a night staring at a television, is not family time.

Unhealthy relationships
Do you have "friends" that offer you relationship advice that encourages you to, go to the game, go fishing, go to the pub. Do you have opposite sex friends at work or the gym. You see not all friends have YOUR BEST INTEREST at heart. These friendships need to be "pruned"

Shame
Marriage has a way of bringing out the faults of our partners, we know there secrets and their shame. A spouse will never talk badly about their partner in public, we will protect their "Shame"

Parasites
Parasites will latch onto you or your partner and suck the life out of you, Addictions like Gambling, Porn, Alcohol, these things promise pleasure and grow and fester and cause immense harm.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE


Remove anything that is Hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that is stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.

Stay the course

_________________________
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#382201 - 01/12/12 02:40 PM DAY TWENTY FOUR [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE VS LUST

In today's society lust is forced on us all the time, and there is a saying that where ever your mind fixates that is where your heart lies. So today, we all want that nice car, the latest flat screen TV, that nice fishing boat, a bigger better house, and yeah sometimes the hot blonde that lives down the road.
One cannot love ones partner and still lust after things, your attention will always be divided.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE

Identify all those things that you lust after in life and write them down, write down all those lies that you have told in the pursuit of the forbidden pleasure. Then start to remove all these things from your life.

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#382204 - 01/12/12 02:46 PM Re: DAY TWENTY FOUR [Re: whome]
mcl1982 Offline


Registered: 01/09/12
Posts: 44
Loc: IL
I just finished this book because my ex asked me to. I'm so glad she did. I hope we can work on things. I read the whole book in 2 days


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#382209 - 01/12/12 03:14 PM Re: DAY TWENTY FOUR [Re: mcl1982]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Good for you man and I hope it works for you

I recommend to all that work this to get the book as I cant rewrite all that is in it, so there is a little poetic licence in there.

I hope that it works out for you and the X

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#382213 - 01/12/12 03:54 PM Re: DAY TWENTY FOUR [Re: whome]
mcl1982 Offline


Registered: 01/09/12
Posts: 44
Loc: IL
Me too. She's hurt and doesn't want to talk right now. I told her my problems after we split and hoped she'd understand. But I also can say this book opened my eyes and my heart in ways I never imagined. I cried every page I read and there wasn't one thing that didn't hit home for me.


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#382356 - 01/14/12 04:21 AM DAY TWENTY FIVE [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOVE FORGIVES

(Damn) this after what has happened in the last weeks.
This is the hardest dare, and in light of what happened to the wife, it is going to be tough. But hey, personally I have never tackled anything half heartedly.

Consider being locked in a prison, and in the other cells you see the people that have hurt you in your life, the perpetrators that caused so much pain, the bullies that hurt you, men that did you in at work. There in all these cells are the pains and hurts of your past. Jesus is standing there, and in his hand he has a key that will release you from this prison, the Key is FORGIVENESS, all you have to do is use the key and you will be free.
You see this prison exists in your heart, and if you don't forgive, then you carry this hatred and darkness around with you all the time. Bitterness is a poison pill you swallow to make the other person disappear.
God says "Vengeance is mine" so it is not my place to seek revenge (something that I have wanted a lot over the last week)
How do we know that we have forgiven the hated one, well if we hear his name or see his face, we no longer feel our blood boil, but rather feel pity for him.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE

Whatever you have not forgiven your partner for to date you must forgive them for today, let it go. As we pray each day we ask God to forgive us our debts,(Trespasses) but we also have to ask God to help us forgive our Debtors.
Un-forgiveness has kept you and your partner in "prison" to long.
Today you must say "I choose to forgive them for all, from my heart"

_________________________
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#382665 - 01/18/12 12:29 AM Re: DAY TWENTY SIX [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Sorry for the hiatus

LOVE IS RESPONSIBLE

OK tough one today.
Everyone has an excuse for his actions, we see it every day. We are happy to carry on doing wrong things until we are caught.
This is not about being caught, this is about taking responsibility for our actions, confessing before we are caught, being honest with ourselves and our partners.
We always feel that our views are correct, or more correct than our partners. We are trying the best that we can, and our partners better just accept that, and be happy that we are as good to them as we are.
But love doesn't pass the blame or Justify selfish motives.

Today's Challenge

Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for Gods forgiveness, then humble yourself and admit them to your partner. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your Partner for forgiveness to.
No Matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond in criticism, accept it by receiving it as council.

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#445168 - 08/22/13 09:22 PM Re: 40 Steps to saving your marriage [Re: whome]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
this is all excellent advice.

good techniques which i am certain will gain positive results.

will i be able to stick to the program without messing up my marriage more than it already is?

we will see.

my wife has put up with too much crap from me.
i am not the nicest person in the world,
and i am not easy to get along with.
she deserves so much better.
we have had a lot of problems throughout the 25 years we have been together.
can't tell you what keeps us going.
the kids?
i know i still love her.
i know she still loves me.

we just don't seem to like each other.
every attempt to reconcile turns into an argument.

she refuses to get any kind of counseling.
some people do not want outside help.
my wife is an extremely private person.
she barely opens up to me.

i will try these methods you have outlined here.


thanks whome
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Victor|Victim

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