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#376105 - 11/19/11 08:47 PM What I've been using to heal as a Christian
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
I haven't been at MS for months. I've carried such unrealistic expectations of myself and others that I just......hoped I'd not share/be invisible...and I'd be ok with it. However, I've been alone all day, and I'm needing to share.

First off, I've kind of abandoned my regular T. He's got all kinds of letters behind his name, but I am a Christian, he's a Unitarian, and.....I feel uncomfortable sharing my Christian thought life. About God, about the spiritual battle, all that stuff.

Since the early part of this year, I've been with a guy whose ministry is prayer intercession over the phone with people who've experienced extreme trauma. His name is Phil Scovell, he utilizes something called Theophostic Prayer. I had just googled DID (dissociative identity disorder) and prayer. I wasn't even seeking him out. But the results have been very, very relieving, for God comes into common remembrances. I just feel WANTED by God--loved as a child, not an adult. I'm finally attempting to discern God's voice vs the enemy's, for the latter has been whispering lies to me for many many years. He pisses me off.

Phil's website is www.safeplacefellowship.com.
The website for Theophostic Prayer Ministry is www.theophostic.com. It's got a lot of information, including correction of the erroneous info that's out there regarding it. They also have a listing of Theophostic ministers for each state. (I personally like the phone ministry--no need to put on my "mask" and all :-))

The other thing I use is very effective, and due to that, I've not been consistent using it. It's called the Healing Codes. I'd been using EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) for almost a year when I heard of this. The Healing Codes were given to Dr. Alex Loyd (he didn't create them--God showed him this in a revelation), and the outpouring of testimonials along with his commitment to validating its effectiveness got my attention.

Well, how did they affect me? The first week or 2 I was doing them at least 1-2 hours a day (which may have caused me trouble--TOO much), and I'd be at work, and BAMM!!---an emotional awareness of something---oh sh**!!--not outside triggers, but something which had popped up in me. It was powerful. I was desperate though; I put in a lot of time for about 3-4 weeks. Their recommendation is maybe 6 minutes 3x a day. I was doing 30 minutes before breakfast, 20 during lunch, and at least an hour through each evening. It's simply pointing your fingers at different parts of your face, and it activates healing centers in you. I had chosen to ignore the "healing response" warning; in short, too much can overload anyone.

I had chosen the HC due to one story he repeatedly points to: a woman raped as an adult almost losing her family due to all the reactions she was experiencing. She didn't believe this would work; she'd done two years of T already. But within a week, she was completely healed of her anger, unforgiveness, fear, and beliefs she'd been responsible for it.

I've experienced a "waking up" of memories and emotions---AND I'VE TRIED MY WHOLE LIFE LONG TO NOT DO THIS--but it's not helping me with my sh** sitting in me. Anger has resurfaced again. I've contacted a HC practitioner to address this, for "emotional healing responses" are something I face with this.

And finally......talk about the money part. My regular T gave me the cheap rate at $95/hr. Considering it's a very long commitment, this is very discouraging to me. I've wanted progress. Phil Scovell at www.safeplacefellowship.com says he's never known how to charge for praying with people. On his site he requests $20 a month donation, but.........I've never paid anything so far. I feel wrong about that. I'll change. I'm still needing to pay off my regular T--first things first.

I was extremely curious about the Healing Codes, so I paid.......a whole $4 for a used Healing Code book through Amazon. The company has whole $400-800 packages, depending on how much coaching one chooses. I just wanted the book. I've also regularly downloaded their Thursday night recordings to pick up pieces and experiences of others. And recently, they've started groups, via phone meetings, for people to work together. All in all, MUCH cheaper than regular T. Just start with www.thehealingcodes.com

And that's what I've been using lately. Any questions?

Alfred


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#376107 - 11/19/11 09:24 PM Re: What I've been using to heal as a Christian [Re: fhorns]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Alfred,

I am very thankful that you are getting the help you need, the courage to look into the past and a way to keep you safe through the journey back.

Nice to have you on the forum again,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#376217 - 11/20/11 03:01 PM Re: What I've been using to heal as a Christian [Re: SamV]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
I was on the site last night for a couple hours, and doing so touched something inside.

I was wrong for judging my T as incompetent, unable, or unwilling to help. I was reading Jim1961's "EMDR journal" post, and his honesty got to me. I just wanted a dad. I never had one. I've been a little boy often with my T, and ........having a dad figure didn't seem known or safe to what I've held on to. I sabotaged it due to .................. I'd know that outcome. Not knowing the outcome scared me.

I was also mad due to increasing emotional pain in my life, and I regularly delayed paying him (without being aware of the root). I did speak to him about budget management, I prayed to God, and was shown a good program.......but I haven't addressed this father/son role I wanted with him, which is why I haven't paid him. I actually have the money--that's just a symptom.

Despite the fact some here would be triggered by this father/son dynamic, I wouldn't. I never had any contact with my father until I was 17 years old. And though I spent a whole 4 months at his place right after high school, I didn't trust him. He still lived by his own delusions, in a trailer all alone.

What I do remember now.....is that I felt very young at 17 years old. Noone would fill the dad role in my family. My closest substitute was a male counselor. Why? He was available. He listened. He accepted me feeling and thinking like a much younger kid. I was stuck, but he would listen to my struggles, week after week.

There's something else in this pile I've discovered, so this isn't over. I just need to sit with it a bit longer. My dad's role was sorely missed. The anger was evident in my brothers; I've just never seen my anger in my own life. I never wanted be aware of it. It is rising, it has probably been there for years, so...............how do I heal?

Seeking counsel on this.

Alfred


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#376220 - 11/20/11 03:55 PM Re: What I've been using to heal as a Christian [Re: fhorns]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
My father was physically present in my life, but sadly that was it.

We never were close and as a 36 year old man now... I long for my dad to be near me. Sadly he passed away this past July. His life taught me alot, but emotionally we never clicked.

This last year, before he died, I went through a study called, "Fathered by God". It was an excellent study and touches on some of those issues. It was so hard and difficult and at times seeing what I lost or missed made me very angry.

But now I'm doing my best to draw closer to God and let Him "Father" me. It's hard, since I have no clue what it means to be close or connected to a father figure. But I'm healing as God works. I'd recommend looking up the book, "Fathered by God" and also look into the dynamic of the reality that as we are brought into God's family through faith in Jesus, it's not the relationship of Master/Slave, but one of son ship. We're literally adopted, He becomes our father.

I also listened to a Sermon series recently, which really helped as well... was also one that brought up lots of painful feelings, but worth digging into.
It can be found on this page: http://www.newlifechurch.org/displaypodcast.jsp?id=6#
You have to scroll quite a ways down. You are looking for the "Live Free" series. It's got 6 parts and all are excellent!
It's starts with Live Free, Week 1: Where Do We Begin?

Anyway, those are some things that have been helping me recently with the whole issue.


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#376239 - 11/20/11 05:43 PM Re: What I've been using to heal as a Christian [Re: JustScott]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Thanks Alfred,

What you wrote is very interesting. What you wrote about spirituality is so true for me as well. I am very thankful to you. It is very good to see you.

I miss my dad. He died last year after getting very ill. I was not in contact with him for 20 years before. I was "pulled" away from my dad as a young boy that lasted into adulthood.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#376251 - 11/20/11 08:32 PM Re: What I've been using to heal as a Christian [Re: Avery46]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
Scott,
Could you check those links? I went in, downloaded all of them as MP3's, and I only got 19 minutes out of Lesson 1. It was roughly about a 10mb file. When I listened online, it stopped halfway through too, but it may be my old computer. I'd like to hear if this is on their side or mine.

And thank you for giving those. In fact, I cried when I first read your writing. It hit me in my soft spot, and tears came. Thank you for being so honest. I come here for that very honesty.

Avery, it's good to see you too. Thank you for chiming in.

I'm glad I started this......for I'm facing fearful settings I'm putting myself in---namely a 12 step study with Celebrate Recovery. The core--my core--is in fear of exposing this. I was writing an answer tonight (we meet tomorrow), and I said plainly "I feel like a scared little boy who's never told his story to anyone." This is good since in past step studies I pretended/play-acted the adult part, and I short-circuited my recovery. This is my 3rd step study.

Now I have to email my T. I was answering the questions for tomorrow, and I spoke of him. The question was "how has your pride kept you from getting the help you've needed to overcome your hurts, hang-ups, and habits?" One answer was "I've abandoned counselors when they've gotten close to my pain. In fact, I believed they'd be unavailable for me, so that justified my leaving them." I'm seeing this as a created problem. I'm opening the door back up. I need to do this.......for he was a good, honest, and vulnerable T to me, which got my attention. I need to admit the pain I've been in over not having a father too. Later.

Alfred


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#376255 - 11/20/11 09:15 PM Re: What I've been using to heal as a Christian [Re: fhorns]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
I have to say that I am so glad that all of you guys shared what you did. I can relate to so much of it, the problems with therapists, looking for better ways to get past the negative feelings and the father-figure issues. I feel like you guys have a little piece of my soul.

I've been through a few therapists, too. Usually, they don't have any real experience with our population or I shut down when they come too close to my soul and all of the intense pain of the CSA issues. I'm willing to try anything to get past the anger, resentments and PTSD. I, too, am a Christian and I would like to be able to embrace my faith in my recovery.

As far as the father-issue is involved, my dad is still living, although he's 85 years old. He was an alcoholic and a mean one at that. Because of that, I was never able to bond with him. I hold resentments and I absolutely need to get beyond them. I don't know how much longer I will have him and I have to get my issues with him resolved ASAP. I don't have any idea how to do that and I am really not liking myself at all because of that. Any ideas of how to get past my anger and resentments would be greatly appreciated.

I am so glad you guys got into these issues. Thanks.

God bless,
John


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#376263 - 11/20/11 10:02 PM Re: What I've been using to heal as a Christian [Re: fhorns]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
*We need to recover
This dynamic of "missing" Fathers can be explored so many ways, it can be overwhelming and minimally, intimidating. The abused need succor. We need to feel relief, to respond to changing perspectives, to mature to a safe place where we can approach taking control of our lives.

*We need to appreciate that it was not our fault
Coming to a mature, non-abused definition of ourselves encompasses the meaning of "functional family" membership. Each individual in a family contributes to the health and well-being of the rest of the family, and themselves. How exactly each member contributes is an individual perspective, but it is also "judged" by the other members and their needs and experience. In all of this, we could not affect the other's decisions and motivations. We could not have caused our family member's to be with us more, to support us more emotionally, physically and intellectually. We could not have made them protect us, nor could we stop them from abusing us, if the abuse came from our family.

*Those around us did their best
In determining the fluid meaning of "contribution", we as children need to come to an understanding of what a Father could do, versus what he is capable of doing. The Father could be absorbed in financially compensating the family, spending a great amount of his time working towards those ends. The scenario widens, is he absorbed in a volunteer activity, supporting a "cause", the community, his wife, or some other venture that takes away his ability to contribute to the family. Has he had had a distant and dysfunctional father figure, that taught him to be the same? Has he had some damage, either in the past as a child, or within the relationship as a partner, where there is stress interfering with his desire to parent the child.
As fathers, brothers, husbands and partners, community involved and survivors, we are doing our best to be involved in our families. No, no guilt or shame, just doing our best as they did.

*A spiritual perspective
This is the Spirituality Forum, so the exploration from the spiritual can include Satan working to separate fathers from children to alienate the children from God, the "Father". Thus alienated, Satan can keep children away from the teachings of Christianity, furthering his means of darkening the hearts and hopes of humanity, and blocking the way to the healing imparted through following the Creator.

Maturing through recovery to include releasing those who did their best, but ultimately allowed us to be hurt, is the quintessential achievement in this part of the healing. May we all press ourselves vigorously, to find the reward within us, the reward that releases us from this slavery to a dysfunctional way, and to an imperfect, but workable path that corrects the lessons of the past, and heals wounds of the flesh, and the heart.


_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#376288 - 11/21/11 08:18 AM Re: What I've been using to heal as a Christian [Re: SamV]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
I just finished the 4th book of the CR material. I met with a man once a week and we went through the material together. Was very good. I think I could have gotten more out of it, but at times it was helpful in digging into things!

John, IF you can work things out with your dad before he goes, do so. It will help immensely. I needed to do that, but I didn't. My father was 90 when he died. I know he would have been open to the discussion and I know how it would have gone, but I still put it off until one day he just wasn't there any more. As the saying goes, do not put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Eventually opportunities pass and we can't ever get them back.

For me, and know I'm not 100% there yet, getting rid of or dealing with the anger and resentment came from forgiveness. Of course having a proper understanding of forgiveness helps as well. Many people think forgiveness is about saying "It's OK" and there's never any consequences. But that's not the case. Even if you forgive, it doesn't mean that what happened was ok. It doesn't mean that we can be "honky-dorey" best friends now. What it means is, I choose to let it go and no longer hold it against you anymore. It doesn't mean they don't deserve to have it held against them, but I choose to put it down so I'm no longer carrying the burden.

Of course it's one of those things that is easier said than done. Read the story for Joseph from Genesis. Pay attention to the things that his brothers did to him and what their choices brought to his life. Pay attention to the fact that Joseph forgives his brothers before they ever come back into his life, but he still tests them to see if there are the same people he knew before openly approaching them again. Even then, their relationship is never the same again. He takes care of them, but they live in fear for the rest of their lives. Their relationship is never restored, and truthfully, a restored relationship isn't always possible.


As for those MP3's, I had them downloaded to my work PC, so here ya go! All 6 zipped up nicely!

http://www.sendspace.com/file/wzynee


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#378213 - 12/05/11 12:17 AM Re: What I've been using to heal as a Christian [Re: JustScott]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
I spent the day alone in my rented room, for I had to do my Celebrate Recovery homework.

For the record, I'd rather avoid my homework. Our lesson tonight got into our views of God. One question asked,

"how are your feelings for your earthly father similar to your feelings for your heavenly father?" Oooooooooo. That was the third question. I still haven't answered that one. It took over an hour to write the first 2 answers. It's safe here at MS---I could duck out and noone see me for months at a time--but in a group setting......well, let's just say I am the only one who's bared my soul about real family abuses. Tons of spiritual hideouts have gone up, where people will say "well, today God has so blessed me and yada yada yada..... Blech. I've dumped mine since I'm not in there for alcohol, drugs, porn, or other "obvious" vices. I'm in there because I've hidden my pain from myself, even though I've experienced it on a daily basis. I've tried to play "comfortable" in my misery for years, and I'm barely buying my obvious facade anymore.

I'm hoping/wanting/wishing for someone who struggles with the same issues. One guy has been SA'd, and it ended up in a 40 year porn addiction, but the sharing still stirs my stomach. It sucks being honest and not having company. However, we're only about 4 weeks in. (yuck----patience---that stuff)

I wrote here today, though, since I spent time trying to hear God. The first time in this post I wrote I had left my T since he is a Unitarian. I "think" He wants me to go back.

I quoted "think" since one message I got this week was God often speaks to us. It's our listening that's sometimes or often shut down. I believe I heard it. Did I want to hear that? Not really. It means I'll have to face, in time, some true grief over my father not being there--some real rage/pain/hurt that he treated my mom so bad, and left me....and us...our whole lives......damn.

I believe it's something God would ask me to do. Because He never threw people away, confused or not. I judged my T very harshly. Relationships can be scary but.....I heard today in a movie called The Perfect Stranger that He's really about restoring relationships--with us, between us......and for me.....within us. (I made that last one up, but I want peace with myself big-time)

I'm wanting to SCREAM here since I'm right back in the "HOW DO I MAKE THIS PAIN GO AWAY???!!!!!" I've used all these techniques, but, but... but..... I abandoned relationships.....which hurt me in the past....which could happen again........which could make me feel like a failure once again.

I always felt like a failure. Abandoning them pre-empts the possibility of them rejecting me first. (I'm sure I'll see those words again).

Out for now. Goodnight.

Alfred


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