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#376184 - 11/20/11 11:05 AM Juggling your hurt and your compassion...
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Spouses/Significant Others:

Assuming you found yourself here because your beloved betrayed you and your marriage, can I ask, how are YOU doing? How are you processing the pain of your lifemate acting out with other lover(s), prostitutes, robbing your household income to fund infidelity, and effectively having everything you thought was true about him and your union proven to be utter lie in conjunction with all of the baggage of his CSA loaded onto your backs? Though the survivor (and most everyone else) is rightfully focused on recognizing the abuse inflicted on the survivor, I wonder why there isn't more verbalization on the abuse we spouses/sig others have had inflicted on us by the acting out survivor. Do we even recognize that we have suffered abuse and need our own healing? And how do we do that while making the survivor's recovery the priority it needs to be?

As for me, CSA wasn't even on the radar until this last month. I spent this last year since learning of my husband's adultery trudging through the mire of pain of the deception, betrayal, disloyalty, etc. I was absolutely focused on finding the "reason(s)" for what he did. There were no apparent reasons, nor could he explain why he spent two years betraying me and our marriage.

It was only in the last month- as I came "this close" to leaving our marriage after having found no understanding of the adulteries that my thoughts held still long enough for it to dawn on me that the reason is very likely due to the most startling revelation I'd learned at the very beginning- one which I'd obviously shoved waaaaay back: That he prostituted himself at age 16 after having run away from his physically abusive home. CORRECTION! We are working to change our language, so let me do so: He did NOT prostitute himself; HE WAS PROSTITUTED BY PEDOPHILES.

In a way, the revelation has been a helpful epiphany for me because it's the one and only reason that has totally made sense.

It's also something that can be "fixed", thereby giving me some reassurance of healing/growing into a trusting, healthy future with this man I'm sharing my life with.

It's also a reason that has helped me, albiet only slightly, restore some of my self-esteem: Maybe my inadequacies (aging, overweight, stretchmarks, etc.) weren't the reason for the betrayals?

I wonder if the realization of your lifemate's CSA has/is making it easier for you to resolve his infidelities in your head/heart, or if instead it's robbing you of the time and opportunity you need to get help in order to sort out, go through your own pain, and heal?

Blessings on you, my sisters-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#376198 - 11/20/11 12:26 PM Re: Juggling your hurt and your compassion... [Re: herowannabe]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Well, hero, thanks for asking. I personally am not doing so well.

Actually, I'm pretty f***ed up at being the one person who
* never lied to my husband,
* never cheated on my husband,
* never abandoned my husband, but actually stepped up and in for him when he was AWOL,
* always worked and took pride in being a true partner for him in everything from earning a paycheck, to keeping house, to doing yard work, to parenting his and my kids, etc.
* bragged on him to everyone and let it be known how blessed I felt to have such a loving, good husband,
* cared for him after surgeries, and put my own needs on the back burner for THREE years to give him time to "heal" and "adjust" to some ED he was left with,
* encouraged his hunting and fishing trips even though they always meant we would not have a vacation together, and I would sit at home alone,
ETC...ETC...ETC...ETC...ETC...ETC...ETC.......

I'm so GD pissed that it never ends. For all the years I comforted my hurt feelings, lonliness, neglect and want by telling myself that someday I would be rewarded for doing the right thing, I'M STILL WAITING. When the hell do I get to stop carrying the load on top of an already broken back?

I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I suppose I am doing just that. I know it won't get me anywhere, but it's nice for just a minute to SCREAM.

Now, I shall go sweetly back to my stupid, not-so-heroic life. Yay.





Edited by herowannabe (11/20/11 12:31 PM)
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#376214 - 11/20/11 02:31 PM Re: Juggling your hurt and your compassion... [Re: herowannabe]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hero

You miss one thing, you are extraordinary, special, and incredibly brave.
Who else has stood by and held things together while he was out there falling apart? It was you!!!
You are a lot stronger than you think, I know that you are going through a tough time, and that you need a break. Take one, go off and pamper yourself, take a day and have your hair done and the nails and a pedi. Spoil yourself, remind yourself that you are worth it, that you ARE special.
I hear in you all the things that my wife is thinking.
At this stage of the deal I am banished from our marriage bed, I need to prove my love for her again. So yeah I feel your pain, and I am sorry that you have had to endure such an attack on yourself.


Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#376229 - 11/20/11 04:31 PM Re: Juggling your hurt and your compassion... [Re: whome]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Hero, I hear you! I discussed that very thing w my therapist and it is a tricky balance. I know for some partners it is a relief to know that csa is at the root if the betrayal. That is not my story. The CSA gives me tremendous compassion for my husband but there are survivors who did not act out. My husband liked cheating. He found the excitement if sneaking intoxicating. He was bored and it was exciting. I think the only way the CSA plays into it is his inability to articulate his needs and his diminished sense of self ( it was an ego booster to be able to conquer other women). Daily, my struggle is not to come to terms with his abuse, but my betrayal. I do better in some days than others. I put my career on hold and stop back so that he could build his business. I picked up the slack at home (meaning I did everything except earn the check) when I thought he was working (he was messing around) and when his folks died, I did all the estate stuff (and he was messing around on me then).

I wish I could tell you that I have successfully balanced that pain w his pain but I haven't. I hope to get there but I've been told it takes time. Do I'm biding my time, trying not to let my mind wander into the dangerous territory of what I sacrificed and what I got in return.

What I have done is give him more to do. No more of me shrinking back. If he's got the time and energy I chase other web he has the time and energy to help with the kids. I put my work on par w his. I put my needs and desires in par w him. It makes it awkward for us at a tenuous time but the last 13 years were a fraud so we get the chance to make it real and my frest start includes parity.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#376232 - 11/20/11 04:45 PM Re: Juggling your hurt and your compassion... [Re: GoodHope]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Hero, I hear you! I discussed that very thing w my therapist [url=anhttp://nyti.ms/ubuxQ8d]anhttp://nyti.ms/ubuxQ8d[/url] it is a tricky balance. I know for some partners it is a relief to know that csa is at the root if the betrayal. That is not my story. The CSA gives me tremendous compassion for my husband but there are survivors who did not act out. My husband liked cheating. He found the excitement if sneaking intoxicating. He was bored and it was exciting. I think the only way the CSA plays into it is his inability to articulate his needs and his diminished sense of self ( it was an ego booster to be able to conquer other women). Daily, my struggle is not to come to terms with his abuse, but my betrayal. I do better in some days than others. I put my career on hold and stepped back so that he could build his business. I picked up the slack at home (meaning I did everything except earn the check) when I thought he was working (he was messing around) and when his folks died, I did all the estate stuff (and he was messing around on me then). 

I wish I could tell you that I have successfully balanced that pain w his pain but I haven't. I hope to get there but I've been told it takes time. So I'm biding my time, trying not to let my mind wander into the dangerous territory of what I sacrificed and what I got in return. 

What I have done is give him more to do. No more of me shrinking back, taking on more than is fair. If he's got the time and energy  to chase other women he has the time and energy to help with the kids. I put my work on par w his. I put my needs and desires on par w his. It makes it awkward for us at a tenuous time but the last 12 years were a fraud so we get the chance to make it real for the future and my fresh start includes parity.

I was not a great wife but I was a very good one. Don't take my word for it, ask him. he had a very good life with me. Maybe this crazed, jealous broad that is now me, constantly checking up behind him, is the life he really wanted along so he is winning now. I hate me like this. I'm trying to give it all to God (without snatching it back). That is all we can do at this point. I think if you love yourself even a little bit, the deception and betrayal would be difficult to accept, so we are normal. 

After my last breakdown (just 3 days ago) I'm committed to 1 day at a time. It's the only way we are going to make it. Looking back brings me anger and overwhelming sadness, forward brings fear . I'm just gonna do today.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#376237 - 11/20/11 05:26 PM Re: Juggling your hurt and your compassion... [Re: GoodHope]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I do okay some weeks and have bad days/weeks. Night before last was horrible. I had a ripping pain about the whole thing. Just felt abandoned, abused, whatever you can think of. Sometimes I get so caught up trying to be compassionate that I forget it's okay for me to have pain, too...and I have a lot of it.


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