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#37607 - 04/12/05 12:24 AM M y shrink wants me to tell my mom, but I don't know
JERRYLSAN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Indiana
My doctor thinks I need to tell my mother about my uncle abusing me 37 years ago. My father died without knowing and I thought I would never tell my mom either. I know she will go nuts and confront my uncle. And to be honest maybe that is what I want. I have talked to him twice since he admitted it to me, and he has never said he is sorry. I just want to go crazy sometimes thinking about him. All he ever says is it was a long time ago. Well in my dreams everynight it seems like yesterday. Any suggestions on how to tell a parent.


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#37608 - 04/12/05 02:02 AM Re: M y shrink wants me to tell my mom, but I don't know
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Hi JERRYLSAN,

I told my father about 4 months ago about the abuse that happened 40 yrs ago.

The way I went about telling him was " Dad, sit down we need to talk". And I told him everything except the details of the abuse. I had a lot of practice before telling him. It almost took a year but I told each of my siblings and by the time I got around to him I knew exectly what to say and how to say it.

Once I told him it was so freeing to me and it lifted a heavy burdon off my shoulders.

It took a lot of courage for me and I hope you find my experience encouraging to you. If you decide to tell you will know the right timing.

Jim

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#37609 - 04/12/05 02:07 AM Re: M y shrink wants me to tell my mom, but I don't know
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
One more thought.

I found it very difficult to do and took a long time to do, but maybe write it out on paper and read from the paper to her.

I am there with you. It took me a year and a half to tell my dad.

-Jim

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#37610 - 04/15/05 07:38 PM Re: M y shrink wants me to tell my mom, but I don't know
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Jerrylsan,

Disclosure is a big thing. Read Ken Singer's article on disclosure and confrontation, it will give you an understanding. http://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm

Several questions.
Why does your therapist think you should tell your mother?
Is this something you think you should do and something you want to do?
Is there a need to tell your mother?

I haven't told my mother. I don't see the need or see any benefits, only pain that it will cause my mother.

Two weeks ago she asked me about my psychiatrist and psychologist. How I picked them and such. I mentioned I picked the psychologist partially because she did EMDR. Explaining what EMDR was, she asked me if they thought I saw something traumatic. Oops. I did manage to get out of the conversation without explaining that.

A year ago I laid the framework of disclosing to her. That was back when there appeared was a need to. Then I had filed charges against two of my abusers and it looked like the one was going to go to trial. It was better that it came from me than elsewhere. As it ended up, the one when brought in for questioning bragged to the detective about what he did to me. He had to be let go because of Statute of Limitations having had past. Thus the need to let my mother know no longer existed.

It's a big decision to disclose. Many factors to consider and lots of preparation.

You need to decide on your own what is best for you. Your therapist is a consultant for you, you are the one that is in charge of your healing.

Take care and be good to yourself,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#37612 - 04/15/05 11:18 PM Re: M y shrink wants me to tell my mom, but I don't know
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Kev,

This is a topic for all of us.

That was good advice.


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#37613 - 04/16/05 12:36 AM Re: M y shrink wants me to tell my mom, but I don't know
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kev
I think that's good advice, a letter gives you time to think.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#37614 - 04/16/05 05:08 PM Re: M y shrink wants me to tell my mom, but I don't know
time2tell Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/11/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Florida
I think writing a letter is an excellent idea. The process of organizing your thoughts onto paper is very therapeutic. I have used this technique many times. It's helpful even if you don't send the letter. Just a thought.

Don


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