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#375543 - 11/16/11 03:37 PM Well here goes nothing
koos Offline


Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 9
Loc: Centurion, South Africa
I heard about this website last Sunday via a leaflet. Where have you been all my life? My story: I was molested, I am afraid to say raped wonder why? This happened when I was 4, I know not many people remember anything when that young, but I do remember everything about that times, more as I grew older (46 now). I have had feelings of confusion, rejection, selfhate oh yes much of that, sexaul orientation.....list is endless. Is it ever going to end


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#375554 - 11/16/11 04:28 PM Re: Well here goes nothing [Re: koos]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Koos:

There is a better life ahead. But we must no longer live in fear. It is time to take action - just like you have done on this site.

Welcome.


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#375565 - 11/16/11 05:26 PM Re: Well here goes nothing [Re: koos]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Koos

Ja Broer ons twee weet van hierdie probleem.
Sorry that you are here fellow South African, but I am glad that you made your way here.
We are all brothers on this site, and we don't mind if you are honest and say that you were raped, there is no shame in that. After all you were only a child and could not prevent this from happening.

PM me if you want any help.

Yours in Healing
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#375639 - 11/16/11 11:40 PM Re: Well here goes nothing [Re: koos]
koos Offline


Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 9
Loc: Centurion, South Africa
thank you en dankie Martin. There is so much more to tell, much of which I have never spoke out aload to any person. And then there is what I have done, this is major. Close to 30 years later this shame of my actions hangs over me. Oh yes I know now it was all born the day I was molested. Today I still have problems dealing with this. As a man and leader of my house hold I am supposed to be the strong one, what a farce I put up to achieve this. I just want to be a normal man, but I am not sure what that is? So Gents having been there like me what is the next step?


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#375641 - 11/16/11 11:57 PM Re: Well here goes nothing [Re: koos]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
Dear koos,
Hey, brother, first know that I am, and all of us here are, sad for your sorrow and frustration and confusion and pain.
But please know that you are on the right track.
What is the next step? It's different for all of us, but here's a small thing: Take a minute to realize that the title of your post is misstated. What I mean is, you coming to this site and you facing your past and letting out all of your questions and pain and frustrations are way more than "nothing."
All of that is a huge step. Next thing to do is to say out loud (even if it just to yourself) that "I am worth it. I deserve to be heard and to heal" ... and to understand that the abuse was not your fault ... at all. I'm sending you my prayers and energy and all of those sorts of things that I can muster.



Edited by EvanCan (11/17/11 12:00 AM)
Edit Reason: grammar
_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


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#375644 - 11/17/11 12:13 AM Re: Well here goes nothing [Re: EvanCan]
Michael413 Offline


Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1
This is my very first forum. I am 47 and life has brought so many things up to surface at this time that I had pushed down for many years. I also think that the Penn State issues have collaborated with my anger. Just within the last couple of weeks I finally shared that I had been abused with some close male friends and it was scarey. However I realized that it has begun a lot of healing. The Penn State issues have caused me to identify with some sadness and anger which I wrote out below:

Pain and Sadness Speaks, Speaks to be Heard

Gut wrenching pain, loss, hollowness, numbness through the upper part of my body, almost paralyzing  and a bitter taste lingers in my mouth, these are some of the feelings that I have of just hearing again about Penn State.  I don't want to watch or hear the news yet there is a drawing in because I too know the traumatic pain.  What's harder is not only the abuse but the after effects, the confusion, loneliness, isolation, and the tremendous shame.  From that time I was different and the fear had only isolated me further. I was alone.

There is also anger.  Anger because I know he is lying along with so many others who are covering him up.  There are no words to be spoken because he speaks with his eyes and if in his presence my eyes would reflect back to him of all the times.  He knows that I know but others do not! However, the fearful shame I feel in that others might know which only draws me back into guilt and condemnation.  I am angry, angry because now I know of the debilitation.  I now know the truth! I know how the abuse debilitated my soul; it emasculated me from my very manhood. And angry, angry because I believed that it was my fault, my doing, thus I could not speak.  I was silent!

The insurmountable fear is feeling that if I share then will I be defined by the abuse?  They will say, oh, so that is the reason! But I must face my fears.  No, it doesn't define me; it's not who I am! So, today I have spoken; I will face my fear. I have shared my pain.  I have let my voice be heard. And I will no longer let him or fear keep me bound.  There are so many other voices. So by God's grace please let those with true justice and authority of power listen.  Listen to the voices of those that need you now!  Please do the right thing and listen! Please listen, protect, and advocate!


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#375652 - 11/17/11 12:36 AM Re: Well here goes nothing [Re: Michael413]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Wow Michael, Such pain such anger, You should start your own introduction, so tha all can address your pain and anger, consider this.

Koos, the next step, we cant tell you, but I would suggest that you start to tell your story, perhaps tell someone, like your wife? I know right now you think this is a crazy idea, but the FIRST step in this recovery process is to tell someone of your abuse. Talk about it. The next thing to do is realize that this is not and never was your fault. This will need to be done with a therapist.
Feel free to PM me and I can help you with resources like books therapists and groups. Yu are not to far from me and I can advise you on where to go and who to see.

Chat later
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#375744 - 11/17/11 03:11 PM Re: Well here goes nothing [Re: EvanCan]
koos Offline


Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 9
Loc: Centurion, South Africa
Thanks man, for so many years I have build a room arround my feelings so when i have spoken about it, and that was not many a time, I spoke as if I am telling something I read or herad about. Wierd or is this the norm?


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#375747 - 11/17/11 03:19 PM Re: Well here goes nothing [Re: koos]
koos Offline


Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 9
Loc: Centurion, South Africa
I have a question though, seeing that this is an honest and open forum right?

I have been molested and I know all my subsecent actions and life after that has been shaped by this and I do not know if I will ever change it.

My Question is I have serious problems dealing with what I have done to others after my incident, is this then place to lay it out?

I believe if I can get this off my chest


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#375748 - 11/17/11 03:19 PM Re: Well here goes nothing [Re: koos]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Its normal, for so long we have learnt to not show feelings or emotions. It takes a long time to get it together, I am now struggling with emotions and feelings. Its hard man, but we do eventually get there.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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