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#375369 - 11/15/11 07:40 AM Happy Ending
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I am looking for some happy endings (they probably are too busy being happy and not on this board) but anyway... I want to hear from someone who came from the depths of CSA, destroyed himself and his family and came out of it stronger. I might be looking in the wrong spot and I know I am not alone when I say I need a little hope. Will I ever be able to trust my husband again? Will he love himself and me enough to stop destructive behavior? I know there is no magic wand. I know that.

There are some amazing women on this board who are working hard for the men they love, their families and lastly for themselves. We love our survivors more than anyone can imagine but for me living the rest of my life on uneasy ground is not an option.


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#375399 - 11/15/11 01:31 PM Re: Happy Ending [Re: Gretta]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 619
Loc: VA
Hey, Gretta! If you still care enough to help your hub, then he hasn't destroyed the family yet. I can't say I've "come out of it" (CSA) yet, but I've been up and down so many times that my family relationships are different, maybe sub-optimal, but still in existence. The ground can suddenly become uneasy again after I think it has firmed up, and that's not an option for me, either--it's a fact of life. So far, though, we've stuck together. Peace!

John


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#375413 - 11/15/11 04:08 PM Re: Happy Ending [Re: Gretta]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Hi Gretta-

You post is dripping with your pain. I get it, and I am so sorry for your heavy heart.

I cautiously believe my husband and I are a happy ending, though we've just recently had our eyes opened to the affects his CSA has had on his development and our marriage. You can read the gory details in my earlier posts, but the Cliff Notes version is that our ten year marriage was rocked last August (2010) when I discovered my husband had been having an affair with my grandson's mother, had been using prostitutes, had been downing vodka each and every day, which was carefully hidden around our house, and that he'd disclosed to my "daughter", his lover, that he'd prostituted himself at age 16. Each admission FLOORED me.

In the 15 months since learning of all this, we have gone through hell, including a separation, individual counseling, couples counseling, and the most horrific, gut-wrenching meltdowns imaginable. Though I had NO clue why my husband did such things for two years, nor did HE have a clue as to why he did any of it, we knew we didn't want to give up. We both agreed on a vision/goal of how amazing life could be for us if we could get through the annihilation we were trudging through.

NONE of it would have been remotely possible had my husband not fully and completely participated. He quit drinking and committed to complete honesty (which has been more challenging for him than walking away from alcohol!). We committed to a new practice of kneeling together in prayer each morning and each evening. We alternate who will lead the prayers each day. Our prayer time has allowed us to bare our souls to each other. Hearing the one who did such damage ask God for my healing has been very soothing. Likewise, hearing me ask God for wisdom, compassion and love for him has been very reassuring to him.

Its only been within this last month that we have realized the root of his infidelity (and other issues throughout the years) have been an affect of his CSA. I feel we've made it through the worst, and though there's much more work to be done, for the first time I really, truly feel we are going to make it.

The synopsis for me is that my husband owned his behaviors, stopped them immediately and has worked patiently and lovingly to help me heal. I'd read that "the one who caused the hurt has to be the one to heal the hurt"; I'm blessed that my husband exemplified that.

Having a shared vision/goal for our marriage was and remains critical. I couldn't have done all of the heavy lifting on my own, nor could he. Picturing your successful marriage, strengthened as gold tested in fire, is neccessary so you'll know what it is you're working toward (and if your efforts are getting you closer to that vision).

Early on we realized that this was WAY too big for us to maneuver successfully through on our own, so we turned to God, and He has made all of the difference. Even for someone who doesn't believe in God, just to PRETEND there's one you're praying to aloud before your spouse would be amazing therapy.

Knowledge is power, so taking advantage of any and all resources available to us, like MS, has been valuable.

I hope this helps you, Gretta. I'd give anything if I could take some weight from you for even just a bit.

Hang in there and know that this too shall pass!

Sending Hugs-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#375460 - 11/15/11 10:44 PM Re: Happy Ending [Re: herowannabe]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Destroyed may be a strong word, heavily damaged is better

Thanks hero looking for the light!


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#375570 - 11/16/11 05:38 PM Re: Happy Ending [Re: Gretta]
Chet Offline


Registered: 11/09/11
Posts: 16
Loc: Kingsport, TN
Gretta, I don't know that there ever is an 'ending', (until the final one perhaps). I do know there is healing & change. This is all I have, to heal & hope to continue my healing. Along with this healing has come the ending of much destructive behavior, self-destructive along with that. So, there is hope for those endings.


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#375676 - 11/17/11 07:50 AM Re: Happy Ending [Re: Chet]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thanks Chet, that is hopeful and to end destructive behavior is a good thing. I just want the good things in life to bear as much weight at the negative. I do see my husband getting healthier every day. He has a set back here and there but then again we are human and that's just something we have to live with we all make mistakes.


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#376012 - 11/19/11 08:13 AM Re: Happy Ending [Re: Gretta]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 122
Loc: NY metro
Happy ending?

We're happy, been happy for a long while. Perfect, no, I don't think it is ever perfect for anyone, but it's good to strive for perfection.

In 99 it all hit the wall for me, took a good year and a half to sort it all out, we were married for 9 years at that point & only hanging on by a thread. Things after telling her & dealing with it were awesome, we then had kids & have been raising them like we wished we were raised with love & affirmation. We've been married 22 years now, we have the strongest marriage that I know of. My wife has had her share of childhood / family issues too, had it not been for dealing with my issues & vice versa, we probibly couldn't of understood & supported one another the way we do.

I'm here now because after forgetting about it for a while, some of the old defeative thoughts start creaping back in. It tends to happen especially when things aren't going my way, like with work/ business, extended family issues, etc... Coming back here grounds me, kind of like a tune up.

The csa really screwed me up, but I've overcome the worst of it. I hate that it still affects me in ways like; I HATE crowds, meeting new people, I still "measure" myself to other guys. I may never change the remaining effects after 30+ of it being ingrained in me, but at least those are issues I can live with.

My wife is a saint, she has a lot of blood sweat & tears invested in me and I know it & appreciate all her efforts.


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#376067 - 11/19/11 04:16 PM Re: Happy Ending [Re: George]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thanks George you were just what I needed today.


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#376073 - 11/19/11 04:32 PM Re: Happy Ending [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
Me too


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#376084 - 11/19/11 05:58 PM Re: Happy Ending [Re: Esposa]
misscrespo Offline


Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 45
I can't tell you that is a happy ending, because we have so much more work to do both of us.
a tiny part of him is still controlled by the abuse.but he has improved so much in the last 2 years. I can't even begin to tell you.
His anger is under control, he still gets anxious every now and then but who doesn't? the nightmares have stopped as well, which means I CAN SLEEP laugh

He is more open to discussion, he attends all his therapy meetings. He has reduced his drinking (he was not an alcoholic but it did upset me that he drank too regularly for my taste)

We have been together 6 years and we've had a lot of ups and downs but all in all I am lucky to have found my other half. my angel. I am deeply in love and I know he loves me just as much. we are planning our wedding for next year or so.

hope this helps

take care

xx


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#376143 - 11/20/11 12:42 AM Re: Happy Ending [Re: misscrespo]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
George, hanging on by a thread is the exact phrase I used in an email to hubby yesterday (this wifeypoo had yet ANOTHER breakdown). We've been married 9 years. Hubby who is usually cynic to my optimism says he doesn't doubt for a second that we will make it and have our own "happy ending". On a good day (and I have them) I'm not so sure but your post makes me want to hope against hope ... Thanks for sharing.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#376186 - 11/20/11 11:17 AM Re: Happy Ending [Re: GoodHope]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
I (heart) George!

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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