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#375235 - 11/13/11 09:48 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
OK. Here's the 4th one I made. It's called "Uncertainty." Not the best from a technical point of view, but i kept it until i make one to replace it.




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#375260 - 11/14/11 03:22 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
Well, guys, the Moderator Team removed two of the three collages I posted. One for nudity. One for the presence of knives. I hope I am allowed to write the word knives. Although I understand their reasons, I am disappointed.

I am learning that healing here has its limits. Also, my story won't be told here. Posting my work is the only way I can tell it.

T


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#376773 - 11/25/11 12:52 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
I received a Thanksgiving e-mail yesterday from The New School. I've been accepted.

Let the roller coaster begin. Already I've shifted into the mode I always do when something good happens to me. Deep inside I see the disgusting creature they made me so long ago and feel that the sub-human thing I am doesn't deserve anything worthwhile.

I always thought feeling this way when good things happen is normal. Many of you know this and also know handling it is not merely a matter of "getting over it" and accepting and enjoying good.

I still work in my therapy sessions with this. It is hard work to think someday I really can be happy and comfortable with myself. Personally, I really believe its impossible. Everyday it amazes and puzzles me that I wake up and amazes me even more that I can get out of bed. That's the real me.

I'm sorry. This is not meant to be the appetizer of yet another one of my pity parties. It's just that deep inside so much is happening inside me and I am overwhelmed. It's a mix of so many emotions and they are all conflicting for attention. I don't like handling it. I still don't know if I can.

I am questioning everything now. EVERYTHING. I don't know who I am. I am remembering more details of the abuses, which are more and more revolting than I could have imagined. I understand fully now why I am a sham, a vile piece of $#!+ pretending to be a nice, decent human being. Why should things like being accepted at the school I applied to happen? It doesn't seem just. I had braced myself for rejection and wehn I got the e-mail I panicked and got scared. All I can think is, who the hell do I think I am to think I can afford college when I have no job and few, if any, prospects? My view of myself is a lazy lying useless "thing" trying to pass off as something genuine and living.

Boy, this has not gone in the direction I expected. The anxiety is building. I am going to have to pump up denial, which for the past several weeks has been a method I've fallen back on heavily. The memories are THAT awful. I'm scared. My life has become too much to handle and I feel like i won't handle it.

I'm sorry this post went this way. I'm really sorry.
T


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#376877 - 11/26/11 02:05 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 929
Loc: southern California
Thebo,
If it's a rollercoaster, breath deeply on your way up and when you get to the top, put your arms up and yell, "aAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh." Let it out. In time you may come to enjoy the ride.

Congratulations on the acceptance! This is a GREAT thing! You're an inspiration.

A SONG FOR THEBO. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#376921 - 11/26/11 08:17 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: WriterKeith]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
Thanks for the Klapa Sinj & Iva Ajdukovi song. It's great.



Edited by Thebo (11/27/11 11:49 AM)

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#377463 - 11/30/11 06:00 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
Hi, guys. Made a FB page for posting artwork: art, videos, writing. My aka is Dusty Epson. Friend me, I'll add you to the group. The group's name is See Our Voices Male CSA/ASA Survivors Healing Through Art.


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#378080 - 12/04/11 10:10 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
I received the admissions packet from The New School yesterday. Its on my desk, unopened.


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#378086 - 12/04/11 10:51 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
NewSummer Offline


Registered: 09/01/11
Posts: 59
Loc: Surrey BC
Take adeep breath and open it... Its time to move forward !
Wishing you my best
Ian

_________________________
life is what happens while you make other plans- John Lennon

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#379105 - 12/12/11 03:03 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: NewSummer]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
I opened it.

They are giving me 84 transfer credits which is the cap they offer for transfers. Yay! According to the school I only need 36 credits, then I can take the Art Therapy program, which is about 6 more classes and an internship.

I really don't know if I have to submit a life experience portfolio. There a few other questions, like why are they sending me an immunization sheet? Actually at the moment there are a million questions.

Fortunately my sister is coming for a 3 day visit tomorrow. I can bounce things off my partner and her and then on Thursday, dig in. I honestly don't know how I will do this.

2012 is going to be wild. My recovery process is getting more challenging and difficult. Getting married in May. School. Have no idea how I will pay for anything. I figure this way. All the shit I've gone through this past year I might as well use it as manure for growing something good. The other thing is I have spent my life never taking risks, always settling. My clock is ticking. I might as well go for it.

I still think I'm out of my mind to think I can even attempt this.

Thud! That's me fainting.


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#379108 - 12/12/11 06:04 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Congratulations Thebo, you are truly on a roll buddy. I know how you feel about being scared. I was able to see when I was helping my daughters friend with her recovery, that I have an interest in counseling. I am speaking to the Fresno State counseling grad students in the spring and I am scared to death. I don't know why I am doing this but I truly feel compelled to do it. Good luck and lets share war stories I think it will be fun Mike


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