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#375214 - 11/13/11 08:30 PM So I had a panicattack at work last week...
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
and everyone looked at me as if I had two heads and a tail when I finally worked up the courage to get out of the bathroom stall I had locked myself in.
Can't blame them though. Probably would have done the same if I was one of the 'normal' ones looking at someone like me.
I don't know what got me triggered or if I even got triggered at all, maybe it was just random. But if it's going to happen more often its bound to happen when I'm on the phone with a customer some day as that is my entire job. They are probably regretting they ever hired me now.
I know why I'm getting the bodymemories and flashback and such. It's obvious enough since I let these men do whatever they want to me every wednesday. It's not voluntarily but I haven't found a way to stop it either. It's kinda pointless though... Either someone else comes along to do the same things all over again or they finally quit doing sloppy work and finally finish me off.
In a way im looking forward to it. I'm just.so.tired.

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

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#375236 - 11/13/11 10:11 PM Re: So I had a panicattack at work last week... [Re: Drop]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Hi drop,

I know what panic attacks are like. Yuck. But, my guess from what you shared is that you are having/allowing other men to have their ways with you every Wednesday. If that's so, it sounds like you consider what they are doing abusive, but you enjoy it. Somehow, I would think that you would be able to say no, if you want to. I don't know. But, it's your life and you have the right to say no if you want to. I wish you the best.

God bless,
John


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#375255 - 11/14/11 01:57 AM Re: So I had a panicattack at work last week... [Re: Drop]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Drop,

I've gotta tell you that you have come a long way in the last few months. I read your post and couldn't believe I was reading the same person's posts.
So what I am saying is, One panic attack at work, compared to your previous posts is a great improvement.

Keep up the good work, I for one think you are amazing.

It works if you work it, so work it you are worth it.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#375289 - 11/14/11 01:09 PM Re: So I had a panicattack at work last week... [Re: whome]
StAiNeD Offline


Registered: 06/27/11
Posts: 17
Loc: The Bronx
Lucas,

You deserve better. You can find it. Keep your head up bro. It's not fair what's happening to you and eventually you'll find the strength to make it change.

Keep me updated

T

_________________________
"At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end."

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#375292 - 11/14/11 02:23 PM Re: So I had a panicattack at work last week... [Re: StAiNeD]
Happy Birthday kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Lucas we got faith in you. Stick and heal like you have been.

The comment above from Music is wrong. He doesn't know you. Its not on you.

Take care of Tigger and pls keep at it.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#375483 - 11/16/11 06:07 AM Re: So I had a panicattack at work last week... [Re: kb8715]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
It's hurtfull to hear people saying you must like it. I've gotten that crap enough from my abusers in the past, i don't need to hear it here too. Esp not from someone who claims to be a survivor too, how can you be so ignorant.
There are many reasons someone does or does not report this stuff.
First of all i wouldnt be able to stop them because they are stronger. I used to rely on the ability to outrun everyone in my streetlife when i was younger but now i've been on crutches for a long time so I can't do that either.
I can avoid them for a period of time, sure, but they'll punish me for it.
Report them... maybe. It sounds so simple but it is so complicated. First of all the questions and humiliation of medical checks again. Then maaayyybbeee they'll catch them.
And for what? To have other people take their place?
For them to maybe finally kill me? I guess that one sounds the most inviting but I don't need to go to the cops for that, either.
I'm stuck in a circle I don't seem to be able to get out off.

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

Top
#375488 - 11/16/11 07:43 AM Re: So I had a panicattack at work last week... [Re: Drop]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Drop, you can get out of the circle that you are in, I and others have done it and we are alive to prove it. You are a better person than what you give your self credit for. Be strong brother, be strong.
you can do anything you want to do, You just have to do it and not be afraid to ask for help.

There are many reasons someone does or does not report this stuff.
You are so right as many many many of us have not reported SA to the right people for help. It is scary and embarssing and humilitating. But it will help you and most of all others that are out there that may go thru what you are going thru with these perps.
Stand strong and know that you are the better person.
God Bless

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#375526 - 11/16/11 12:23 PM Re: So I had a panicattack at work last week... [Re: Dar]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Hi Drop,

I wanted to get back to you on my previous post. Oh, and thanks to everyone who posted, too. It all helps me.

Anyway, Drop, when I read you're post, I only had a tidbit of information about your situation. Apparently, there has been a lot of past postings where you must have been processing things. It sounds like you were discouraged by my post. I have no idea what your history is here, but I do want you to know that I don't want to hurt any survivor...EVER! Apparently, things are going in a more positive direction for you. And that is all I want for you, and for all of us. Heaven knows, we've all had our share of discouragements from what we've been through. I only want the best for you. I have no idea how to find out what your history has been as far as progress, but I do know that you are here and you are a survivor. So, if there's any way to be more of an encouragement to you and a support, I hope that you will share that with me.

I hope that we can always be supports to each other. I know that I need it as well. I'm going through a time of some struggle myself and I could use the encouragement, too.

Anyway, I hope that helps, Drop. Whatever you're going through, just know that you are a survivor and that I support you. I've been there, too.

God bless,
John


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#376373 - 11/21/11 07:25 PM Re: So I had a panicattack at work last week... [Re: MusicMan]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
just dont say things like that. esp not if you dont know the person at all. it hurts. There is enough hurt already

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

Top
#376374 - 11/21/11 07:43 PM Re: So I had a panicattack at work last week... [Re: Drop]
Happy Birthday kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Lucas you are very respected here by all who have had the chance to know you.

You welcome everyone and you are always supportive.

The term that best describes you is "Gentleman".

Just seems like that needed to be said.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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