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#374412 - 11/06/11 12:25 AM Interaction with Men vs Women.
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Hi all. I used to post a lot on this forum but not much recently.
I was abused from age 4-12. I loved my perp (stockholm type stuff I guess) and there was no way out for me.
I'm free now and I no longer love him (he's a fucked up person).

Anyways, I've figured out that I'm straight but I guess there's more to life than sex.
There's more to life than worrying about who you're going to have sex with, or more accurately,worrying about who is going to "have sex" with you.

I really like girls. Tall, slim, graceful, beautiful, you know, like "wow".
It makes me smile to think of what I'm going to work my ass off for.
But sex...
I've gotten to the point of being able to perform sexually,
but it doesn't feel beautiful like I want it to.
It's always like sort of dark, or dirty.
This is the abuse.
And meeting girls.
When I see a really good looking girl it scares me and instead of feeling pride or confidence or happiness, I feel weak and unattractive. Sometimes I can counter this with alot of effort (whereas a couple of years ago this would have been impossible)
I guess everything is getting better, I just need to work on feeling better about being a guy.
And I guess I also needed to vent.
Thx
-Henri

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#374413 - 11/06/11 12:34 AM Re: Interaction with Men vs Women. [Re: kinghenri]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Oh and guys. (sorry all haha forgot about the rest)

I used to feel ashamed, scared, and different around other guys.
I used to have hardcore SSA issues.
Thank god it's fading and has been.
Now sometimes I feel a slight attraction but it's not really sexual anymore.

It's more like, "I wish I was as cool, good looking, smart etc blablabla as you"

Now I'm realizing that it's low self-esteem that's to blame for most of this.

I find that the more you interact with people and continue to let "shit" just "come up" without trying to shut others out, the less confusing things get.

I'm beginning to feel hope and optimism about all this.

I just want a really hot, and nice (good person) girlfriend and I'm realizing that in order to have one I'm going to need to learn to lead.

You see, despite what people say about women and men being equal and all, I don't think I can have this without learning to Lead.
To take back my manhood.
To learn to be sensitive, caring, and considerate while still being able to be assertive, confident, and empowered (not overbearing).

In other words, to stop bringing myself down. To start giving myself props. To start loving myself a little more each day.
To start winning for god sakes.

It's frustrating at times but I know damn well I won't let some fucking kid toucher get in the way of what is mine.
I won't let him take what is deserved, my fucking birthright...
Freedom, Love, happiness and power.

That's all,
I'm out

-Henri

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#374450 - 11/06/11 10:16 AM Re: Interaction with Men vs Women. [Re: kinghenri]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
Hi Henri,

Something that just came up with my therapist was the idea of me being submissive sexually. There are too many issues I have about this to go into right now. But the one thing he said that might be useful is that many men who were abused at a very young age (My abuse ended when I was 5) can be submissive. I have always wanted to be the "tough guy" and terrified of being a "sissy."

So to have a reason to want to be submissive, other than "I'm a weak failure," is actually liberating.

Peace, Mike

_________________________
"There is always hope."

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#374460 - 11/06/11 01:17 PM Re: Interaction with Men vs Women. [Re: SaberCat]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
That makes alot of sense.
I can understand that as I grew up a pretty passive person.
This isn't always a bad thing.
The thing is I've gotten through alot of that whole "hating myself for being too passive" and now I'm at the "want to be more of a leader" stage.

I guess in many ways, and not only sexually.

However, sometimes the idea of being a little passive sexually with a woman is appealing. (not like fem dom or anything)

more like being with a "feisty" girl haha. That could be cool.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#374464 - 11/06/11 02:38 PM Re: Interaction with Men vs Women. [Re: kinghenri]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: kinghenri
....

Now I'm realizing that it's low self-esteem that's to blame for most of this....


I can identify with the low-self-esteem. I am post divorce - 21 years. I followed the same-sex attactions (SSA) for the last 18 years. I was in the midst of having nightmares when I was with a male partner. As the nightmares and flashbacks lessen so do the SSA.

I need to find more ways to "speak up" for myself.

Glad you wrote about this.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#374481 - 11/06/11 05:11 PM Re: Interaction with Men vs Women. [Re: Avery46]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 751
Loc: michigan

I can kinda relate man
My abuse involved girls and women early on then I was jumped by a guy at 13 I have never felt healthy in any way about sex or sexuality it was always dirty and a shameful thing. I used to really hate my body and hurt myself for the feelings that drove me. I remember my wife having our first child I still hadn't told her about the issues and struggled with them on my own she could never understand why I reacted so strangely to very simple things. when she had a very difficult time with the birth I nearly went crazy I felt so guilty I just knew I had killed the one person who could love me. the truth is it is not your fault man. the feelings that you struggle with can heal and in time they will just keep on healing and it will happen

_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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