Newest Members
MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS, BookHouseBoy, WeFallWeRise
12464 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
isol8er (43), omrfople (38)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 12 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12464 Members
74 Forums
63992 Topics
446667 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#374475 - 11/06/11 04:36 PM He's Sick......I'm Confused
gjonbos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 48
Loc: MA
Today I spoke with my aunt to check on how my grandmother is doing. She is 92 years old and I always like to just stay in touch since I don't manage to get over and visit in person. The conversation turned out to be less about my grandmother (who is doing fine) and more about my uncle....my abuser. He was diagnosed with lupus a few years back and apparently was recently hospitalized for kidney failure. My aunt confirmed that he wasn't doing well at all....and proceeded to say things like "poor guy" and "we feel so bad for him". Now I can't be frustrated with my aunt, she has no clue about what happened between us....she is completely in the dark. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt a little to hear her say that. At the same time I was flooded with thoughts about what would happen if he just died. Some very small part of me thought that I might live with regret if I didn't confront this issue with him and the family before that happened. I question what the point would be to disclose the truth after he was gone, and would people really believe me at that point, since he wasn't there to confirm...or deny poorly? At the same time, I was overwhelmed and so anxious thinking about confrontation and disclosure while he was still around....because it's something I am not even remotely prepared to deal with. I'm also hesitant to even write it out here because I know that for every survivor who might have the same fears about this topic as I do, there is someone else who had the courage to do it and was empowered by it. I guess I don't want to try to be convinced from either side....and I also don't want to disappoint anyone.....or disappoint myself. Just a frustrating day.
Thanks
Gabe

_________________________
"Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook"

Top
#374476 - 11/06/11 04:49 PM Re: He's Sick......I'm Confused [Re: gjonbos]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 786
Loc: michigan
hey man.
the way I see this thing it as another of those issues where we have no right answer. that is to say no answer that fits for everyone. if you keep it your secret it will hurt at least you and maybe others who have been touched by it. and if you tell it will certainly cause some pain and a new situation that you have not known but quite possibly for the better. the thing that you will need to decide it what is best for you. what happened was not your choice you didnt get a choice and he does not get the choice now it is about you alone and what will bring you closer to the healing that you deserve and should never have needed in the first place. heal well my friend

_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

Top
#374483 - 11/06/11 05:33 PM Re: He's Sick......I'm Confused [Re: newground]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Gabe do what brings you peace. Its not about him and not about them. Its about you your Fiancée and your future.

What will bring you peace on this?

Be well.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

Top
#374516 - 11/06/11 11:26 PM Re: He's Sick......I'm Confused [Re: gjonbos]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Gabe,

You mentioned courage. It takes courage to recognize our own needs, whatever they are. There is no disappointment! I hear a man declaring his right to be and do what is right for him!


Top
#374520 - 11/07/11 12:38 AM Re: He's Sick......I'm Confused [Re: cris40ky]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
Gabe,
I completely agree with what everyone else has said above. It has to be what is right for you and what you need at this point.

I'm glad you had the courage to write and post your confusion over the issue. Sometimes just doing that brings a lot of clarity to your situation.

Wishing you the best as you decide what is best for you. That can be a foreign concept for us, but it is really important.

_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

Top
#375234 - 11/13/11 09:39 PM Re: He's Sick......I'm Confused [Re: toddop]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Gabe,

I think it's very good to take a realistic look at the possible scenarios that you see playing out. I know for a fact that guys whose perpetrators have died prior to a possible disclosure or confrontation very often regret that deeply. Of course man, you're in no place to feel like permanently changing the dynamic of your family...HOWEVER that is a burden that is and never was yours from the moment your uncle made the choice to rape you.

I can tell you as someone who did confront that in no way did I feel ready to do it when I did. I just knew I had the right combination of variables coinciding to put a plan into place to do it. in other words I seized the moment because it was right, not because I felt ready for it. If you see confrontation and disclosure as part of your future, (and to cut through the shit, since you're talking about it I'd say it's in your future) then think in terms of finding the right moment, the right time and timing to do it, not necessarily waiting till you feel you're ready or maybe even making working toward being ready a conscious goal.

*note: This is not an encouragement to confront or disclose per se...I'm just saying it does seem like you are headed in that direction, the specifics of the perpetrator's illness aside.

_________________________
the family
the perp

Top
#375245 - 11/13/11 11:21 PM Re: He's Sick......I'm Confused [Re: gjonbos]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Gabe

My first thought when you said your Perp was dying, was, confront him, go to him on his death bed and ask him if he is proud of what he did to you. If humans are as they are, this dude is going to want to make right with God before he goes, and this could potentially be a good thing for you.
It is something that can be done in privacy, without the rest of the family there, just between you and him and perhaps your fiancée to support you.
I would love to do this with my perp,if I could find the criminal. Ask him if he feels empowered having abused a child. Sick dog.
Hey these are just my thoughts but could be very empowering for you.

Good luck with your choice.
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#375632 - 11/16/11 11:00 PM Re: He's Sick......I'm Confused [Re: whome]
gjonbos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 48
Loc: MA
Thank you for all of your thoughts and kind words guys....as always they mean the world.

The truth is I hear about your confrontations and read the details of how they panned out, and a fire is lit in my belly. I'm incredibly jealous of your successes in these interactions and I dream of being able to tell a similar story. I play out my perfect outcome like a scene from a movie, and it brings me so much joy. I'm left eager to move forward and begin designing the perfect plan, and then I'm stopped dead in my tracks. Flashes of what possibly could happen begin to unfold in my mind....and that fire, that eagerness, all of that vigor is quashed.

I think about the people in my life, the very few close family members I have, and what a profound affect this would have on them. I think about what people will think of me. I wonder if they might place some ounce of blame on me for what happened. How will I be judged? I envision people hearing my story and left to wonder what kind of man I really am now. I'm so scared of those judgments being passed on me, and afraid of all those eyes fixed on me.

Despite being paralyzed by this fear....perhaps Sono is right...cut through the bullshit and recognize that I want this to happen so much. Maybe not tomorrow, next week, or 6 months from now, but it's hard not to see it as just another chapter in this journey I am on. I'll get there....on my time...when the moment is right.

Thanks

_________________________
"Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook"

Top
#375638 - 11/16/11 11:39 PM Re: He's Sick......I'm Confused [Re: gjonbos]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
I think about all those people too...and then I think about YOU Gabe. YOU are worth it.

Sadly, I know exactly what you are feeling though.

I'm on your team Gabe...and here when you're ready.

H

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#375719 - 11/17/11 11:42 AM Re: He's Sick......I'm Confused [Re: Castle]
gjonbos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 48
Loc: MA
Thanks H!

_________________________
"Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook"

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.