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#373792 - 10/30/11 04:17 PM SA or CSA What's my battle - Question for Survivor
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
What am I to do.... Am I battling the CSA or the Sex addiction. What came first? The chicken or the egg. He still does not fully consider it abuse. Says he enjoyed and went back. Just objected to it going too far. He is still owning some of it as a participant.
The sex addiction, he now says he HATES that life but has not fully surrendered the addiction.

What to do....

Any input here.?

Also,
He agreed to a polygraph the other day. Said he wants to stay in the marriage, he loves me. He is done with that life. HE WAS DECEPTIVE. 2 out of 6 were truthful. He was deceptive on 4 out of 6.





Edited by Anniemy4sons (10/30/11 04:18 PM)
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#373797 - 10/30/11 04:26 PM Re: SA or CSA What's my battle - Question for Survivor [Re: Anniemy4sons]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
You are battling both. As for which came first, the abuse came first. His body may have physically responded to the abuse in "pleasurable" way (e.g. an erection, etc), but that doesn't mean it didn't screw with his head. That's like saying if a woman "lubricates" when she is raped, then she must have enjoyed it. Absolutely not. He may say he enjoyed it, but I daresay he is in agony over what happened. It is common for survivors to blame themselves. And with the addiction, you can't normally just surrender an addiction cold turkey...it takes time. He may want to change but may fall back into the acting out even if he gets help. Have you read any books about CSA? If not, I can recommend some as can others here I'm sure. Also, this is not to say that you have to be emotionally abused...cheating on you is wrong, period.


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#373828 - 10/30/11 09:58 PM Re: SA or CSA What's my battle - Question for Survivor [Re: hopeandtry]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
My guess, and its only that, is the CSA is your primary battle. I believe you fix the thing that caused the other thing, and while it is entirely possible that my husband would have devloped an SA on his own, in his case, daily exposure to porn from ages 5 to 13 pretty much left him with few options but to have this particular one. Unfortunately for us (but maybe not you) his CSA therapist does not specialize or really treat SA, so he is winging it out there for now. I'm praying that the CSA treatment will make SA treatment (which he actually sought first before disclosing to me or anyone else the CSA)more effective. My prayers are with you always Annie.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#373943 - 11/01/11 12:11 AM Re: SA or CSA What's my battle - Question for Survivor [Re: Anniemy4sons]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
***Triggers******

Some victims are obsessed with so-called cheap sex or none at all. I don't call it that if the other person is willing. In other words, real sex with someone that loves them is weird to us. I've been basically a manwhore myself. None of the women loved me or anything either. It was just sex. I would ask other CSA/SAs why they like so-called cheap sex. It's self-degrading.

We don't think of sex like you do. I certainly don't since I have no idea what that is. Like our CSA/SA, it feels good. It's fun. I personally feel used. I like it. I was molested at almost 4. Lost my cherry at 12. Been having sex since then. It's the ultimate pleasure. With a lot of cheaters, it's the conquest that really matters. With some it's variety. I've been in orgies. It's varieties. I don't get triggers. If the other person is willing, I'll give her lots of pleasure. Lots of CSA/SA are acting out what happened to them. Servicing. People that are CSA/SA do it to relive it and it feels good. It's just casual sex. It may mean something to a few but rarely to anyone.

I know cheating is bad to a partner. Violates trust. He doesn't think it's abuse is bad. It is. He needs to be honest. But, he might not be able to. Hopefully he's young unlike me. I personally never messed with married women except when I was a tween/teen.

I'd say this to anyone: if he's cheating and doesn't care, maybe it's time you evaluated whether or not it'll work. Yeah, people feel like a failure when that happens. You're not. He is. He blew it. My sperm donor (what I call dad) was a serial cheater on my mom. She should've dumped him a long time ago.

Not telling you what to do. Go to marriage counseling. If he won't be honest, it might be time to leave and find someone who'll treat your right. I say this because I'm a manwhore. We don't change. I would've had somebody cared and came along. Se didn't. Why should I change now? He's thinking the same thing. Oh, you'll put up with my crap is his though. Hate to say that about another victim but I'd bet it's true. Sorry.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#374322 - 11/05/11 12:07 AM Re: SA or CSA What's my battle - Question for Survivor [Re: Anniemy4sons]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Annie

I know that you dont want to here this, but baby steps.

The CSA came first, the SA is born from csa. A study in England showed that 80% of SA's are survivors of CSA. That is a very high number.
Your husband has not fully accepted that he is a victim. This worries me a bit, because until he does this, his recovery is hindered.
No Child is ever a willing participant in this perversion, and he needs to understand this.
He cant fully surrender the addiction, IMO, until he fully accepts that he is not to blame for what happened to him.
He needs to realize this, I just don't know how to convey the message.
Will He read stuff on the net? There is a site that is written in plane English, and not Doctorease, he might gain insight from that. It is Amsosa Try it he might find similarities here and finally accept that this is his problem.

Good luck
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#374337 - 11/05/11 03:36 AM Re: SA or CSA What's my battle - Question for Survivor [Re: whome]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
I can do baby steps... I think... Its crazy, my husband and I are relieved in a way. He feels lighter, telling me about the sex addiction ( which for a few weeks he was in denial). I'm relieved be cause now I know what's wrong with him.

But you are so correct. He still does not fully see. Himself as a victim of abuse.

He considers himself a participant because mostly his abusers were 2-3 years older than him. He was developed physically but not emotionally.

He was a precocious puberty victim himself, 9 in the body of a 16 year old. Developed.
These other boys were 12 or 13. He also believes because this went on for 2 years ( the final times 3 or 4 ending actual penetration, leading up to that HE gave them the object which was used)
He calls himself a participant up to that point " it went bad".

My husband refuses the term exploited or does not give it it's rightful respect. however, he acknowledges the damage it has done.

All I can do is keep giving him resources ( which he is reading), try not to get too focused on the sex addiction for now( other than acute car & boundaries)
Keep refocusing out therapy sessions back to his abuse.

That's my plan and I pray I'm doing the right thing.

But let me tell you, I WANT TO HOWL IN PAIN AT WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME

HOWL AND CRY AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. I WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD PHYSICALLY BUT I NEVER HURT OTHER PEOPLE, I WAS ALWAYS SENSITIVE TO OTHER PEOPLES PAIN AND NEED. I ALWAYS REMAINED FAITHFUL TO CHRIST AND HIS SUFFERING. NEVER HARMED ANOTHER.

So I'm done with my quick pity party and will go on to do what ever it takes to help my husband. FAITHFULLY, THE FOREVER KIND. Not because I have to but because I adore that man.

As always, Thank you Martin.

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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