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#374384 - 11/05/11 07:13 PM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: hopeandtry]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
By acting out I was not referring to the c/a but his sex addiction.

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#374540 - 11/07/11 08:11 AM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 358
Annie, gretta, eldee and hope,

please read your pms


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#376197 - 11/20/11 12:12 PM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: hopeandtry]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Can anyone shed some light for me on a survivor going from acting out to acting right to no longer acting at all?

How and why does a seemingly happily(?) married survivor go from spending two years in an exceptionally risky affair, which was supplemented with prostitutes, and excessive (and physically dangerous) masturbation to becoming a thoughful, attentive, loving sexual partner after the adultery is discovered, to becoming completely not interested in sex once the CSA begins to be discussed?

I am trying to "get it", but I don't. I'm trying to not feel even more demoralized and humiliated than I was before, but I'm failing. I am trying to pretend it doesn't matter, but it does.

Words of encouragement, wisdom and insight are greatly appreciated.

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#376256 - 11/20/11 09:41 PM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: herowannabe]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 358
Hero,

The only word that comes to mind is SHAME.


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#376258 - 11/20/11 09:47 PM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: lucylives]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2573
Yeah shame works.

I went years stuck in porn etc. Even into marriage where I definitely sought out sex with my wife as often as possible, while continuing to view porn.

Once I opened up about the past abuse it became a struggle. So much shame and anxiety. I went for quite some time with no porn or sex and actually found relief in not having to deal with either.

Give it time, his drive will come back as he hopefully works through things. It's not easy. Then once it's back its about setting up safeguards so old coping/escape strategies don't take over again. Like for me, having software installed on the PC to block the garbage and my wife set the password.



Edited by JustScott (11/20/11 09:47 PM)

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#376284 - 11/21/11 04:52 AM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: JustScott]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
yep, Shame. He probably can't bring himself to touch you. And I'm trying to not get scared reading your post.
I know that my husband NEEDED to make changes to our lovemaking/sex after everything was out in the open. When we started discussing his CSA there were certain positions that were triggers. (I just said, "Thank you for trusting me." I told him how much progress "WE'VE" made since disclosure and that was it. End of discussion). I find its a careful balance of what we talk about and what I just have to accept for right now. All in God's time not mine.

Look into Intimacy Anorexia. You're going to find your answer there. This may be something between the Sexual Addiction and the Child Sex Abuse.

Sending prayers your way right now....... done.

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

Top
#376292 - 11/21/11 08:47 AM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: herowannabe]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Originally Posted By: herowannabe

How and why does a seemingly happily(?) married survivor go from spending two years in an exceptionally risky affair, which was supplemented with prostitutes, and excessive (and physically dangerous) masturbation to becoming a thoughful, attentive, loving sexual partner after the adultery is discovered, to becoming completely not interested in sex once the CSA begins to be discussed?


It makes sense to me. Sex has controlled him for so long in an unhealthy way. Sex is a tricky Maybe he has something he needs to work out in his own mind. He might also be having bad memories while having sex, we just had (may still be having) that problem. That if he closed his eyes or we were in a certain position he brought back memories of being abused.

If this lasts for a prolonged period of time I would be worried. If it is a phase then let him ride it out.


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#376303 - 11/21/11 11:02 AM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: Gretta]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2573
For the longest time for me, I'd disconnect during sex. Once my wife knew... I couldn't disconnect any more, because she knew what was going on.

Once I couldn't disconnect anymore, My mind was back in that place when I was 8 and being used by a 13 year old girl....

Shame made it impossible, she would then get frustrated and blame herself for my inability, you know that whole, "If I was only...". Which made me feel even worse and made the next time things rolled around filled with even more shame and fear.

Oh how my heart still hurts while thinking on those moments.


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#376307 - 11/21/11 12:16 PM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: JustScott]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Scott were you able to overcome the thoughts of abuse during sex? It doesn't worry me that it happens, it makes sense actually and I know it doesn't have any thing to do with me. I was just wondering. I could even see that from time to time that would pop up and I try and be aware of that.


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#376349 - 11/21/11 04:05 PM Re: Lovemaking/sex and the survivor - survivor ? [Re: Gretta]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2573
It took some time and truly, depending on my emotional state, it can still happen, but I think more than not anymore it's not an issue.

Not to say that the whole issue doesn't bring up anxiety, but if I take time and ease into it, it gives me time to quell the anxiousness.

More often than not though, it isn't until later that I realize that I didn't think about "Her" at all.


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