And if you don't mind Annie, I'd like to ask D something....
You don't have to answer if you don't want to (of course) but I was wondering... I read some of your posts. How do you feel about your friend's games? Why do you partake in them? I am absolutely not judging one way or the other. I was only wanting a view from the acting-out partners perspective. At least you know up front. That's one less question unanswered for you. But really, as a woman, what do you get out of it? I really do want to understand.
frustrated. The game is fine, I'm just not good at it.
As for why I do it... I didn't know anything about any of this when he first contacted me. He was this really good looking, successful man, and at first when we talked, he was uninteresting on the telephone but decided to wait to see what developed.as we continued to email and talk, he got more comfortable and more interesting. I had no idea about how to play the game, so he would drop hints. Never tell me, because that would spoil the dynamics of the game, but drop hints,
So, one time, only 2 months into this, we were texting, and he told me he hated "Rick." Rick's the personality he shows to the world, his front. David, the inner personality, HATED Rick. That made my brain just stop, and say, "What?." This guy has a very bad situation. Half of him hates the other half. And they talk about each other like they're totally different people. sad
Each has different ways of talking and likes different kinds of girls, and each wants to maintain the body differently. One wants long hair, the other short. One wants to shave his chest hair, the other not. However, they both like sports.
He told me some true facts, but he lied about some. So I started xhecking, and found some stuf online, bunch of his ex-s. So he caught em but culdn't keep em.
So, anyway, his treatment of me would be one week intensely into the game, then for 2 or 3 weeks, very snide to me. Over and over and i tried to learn the game better by talking to other men who liked similar things, thinking maybe it would change his pattern. It didn't.
That's when after 7 months I came to this website, and found all these other men with similar attitudes to his. Hating part of themselves, having urges that were so hard to resist... multiple personalities....
that's why I do it. I don't think of him as "acting out." Let's say you like to shop or wear makeup. What if someone told you that was "acting out"? But women loving shopping and makeup is practically part of our DNA. This is who he is. It's not an act. I'm not saying it can't change, but it's not going to in the short run for sure. He's been seeing a therapist for several years. Just changed therapists, but.... glacier movement is what describes it.
I've read thousands of posts here by the men. A common theme is in their 40s they start dealing with this, and then the suffering just gets so bad. The flashbacks, the body memories, the fear, the same sex attraction... and on and on and on. Many of the men quit working for a while. They're on a horrible rollercoaster. I'm not sure I could bear to see him go through all of that. He's worked so hard to create a pretty functional life for himself despite the CSA, I can understand why he wants to avoid the crash and burn of it all.
What do I get? well, i picked "disappointed" for a reason. But he's a good man, and I'll tell you something: I know his inner thoughts probably better than anyone. He trusts me. And slowly he shares more and more of his thoughts. When I get ONE new thought from him (he recently complained about my harsh emails to him and one other thing I did 2.5 years ago. And I've been sending him harsh emails for, oh, 2 years!), it makes me feel good.he kept this secret for 35 years, but told me! How cool.
Also, if I didn't play, if he hadn't learned to trust me, who would David have to speak with? Rick is the guy all his friends know. He hides David as best he can. So David is bottled up all the time, and even when he's "out," he puts up a good Rick mask, trying to avoid anyone knowing. Pretty sure David is the one that suffered the abuse. David needs someone to talk to, and Rick has pretty much limited that to people who play the game. I truly believe that giving David someone to talk to, is healthier than telling him he's an unacceptable, shameful person who isn't worthy of human contact.He's really just a sweet child.
I believe acceptance gives him the ability to be honest and to begin peeking out from his isolation and begin to trust. No matter what erratic thing he does, no matter how frustrated I get, he knows after I'll be there.He can't always count on me doing what he wants, but if it's something important, he can.
In the last year, he's told me a couple of things about himself, about David, that David is ashamed of, but I didn't blink. They weren't actually bad at all - my other friends do the same things! And I believe it's my acceptance that has enabled him to bare his true feelings about himself.
to give him credit, we've been in a rbad recessn for 3 years.sometimes I've called him and he's given me money.