Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Healer (53), Kilo (21), sdsjr (40), surfdude (57)
Who's Online
3 registered (finallyhere, 2 invisible), 22 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63375 Topics
443148 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#374115 - 11/02/11 10:15 PM Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
My name is Jacob. I post here under different names of course.:)
Anyway I was only six when five teenage boys came into my house and all of them forced me to suck their dicks. It's twenty years later and now nothing makes sense. I haven't ever had a meaningful friendship with another male in childhood or adulthood because I've been obsessed with sucking their dicks.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel like a human being anymore. Therapy's been useless and I can't talk to my folks. (They are in denial about it.) And they don't want to hear about it.

Does it bother any of you guys to have such incredible feelings of affection, and sexual attraction to guys when they've harmed you so evilishly?



Edited by Marinan (11/02/11 10:23 PM)

Top
#374118 - 11/02/11 10:52 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Marinan]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
(((Jacob)))

It IS very hard to get past the obsession. It's been over 30 years since my abuse, and to this day, I do not feel I have a single close male friend. The closest I get is two guys who are the husbands of two of my female friends. Females don't feel nearly as threatening.

It's very frustrating, too, to desire male companionship but be scared to death to attempt that companionship because you can't help but obsess about what's in his pants.

So, yeah, I still feel this sexual attraction, but at the same time, I feel threatened by and scared of men. I guess the fear comes from the abuse, and the attraction from the pleasurable feelings we experienced during the very abuse that scares us. Welcome to my "F'd" up world.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top
#374129 - 11/03/11 02:32 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
ozzie_guy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/11
Posts: 17
Loc: Queensland, Australia
Jacob...

My first abuse started when I was 8... it went on for 9 years by 4 different perpetrators over that time. It is now 30 years since it finished and I know exactly how you are feeling. Every time I got close to another guy even as a friend I ran from it. All I can say is try not to be too hard on yourself. I didn't know if I was attracted to guys because of the abuse or if I was abused because I was attracted to guys... and like you I am still confused as hell. If you ever want to talk brother send me a message...

Ian

_________________________
I wonder what a life will be like being able to cope with the horrors of my memories.

Why am I so terrified of the possibility of being happy...

Top
#374152 - 11/03/11 11:08 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: ozzie_guy]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 396
Loc: west coast
Man I can totally relate to what you say, the duplicity of it all.

I think abuse sucks if your straight cuz being abused and yet aroused by the memory of what happened to your body and how it betrayed you is encredibly confusing. You want to be with women cuz thats the social directive and your aroused by women yet there is this part of your brain that wont let you forget the imprint. You must be f'd up.

I think abuse sucks when you would have been gay anyway cuz how could you be attracted to guys when what happened to you was so horrible. The way the sex and orgasm was completely dissociated from any normal feelings of closeness, intimacy or love. Over and over you learn that your job was to be an object to achieve orgasm in a world of extreme secrecy and shame. Marinam you said it perfectly when you called it evil. How f'd up is that.

But please dont give up on T or help, there are people out there and friends in here that can help, like ozzie guy. There are ways and means to pull the tangled mess of emotions apart and find out that you can move forward. But its not easy cuz when you have been the victim of csa, emotionally we are all thumbs.

Be kind to yourself.

grant





Edited by 1lifenow (11/03/11 11:10 AM)
Edit Reason: bad spealler
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

Top
#374228 - 11/04/11 04:08 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: 1lifenow]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Jacob Thanks for bringing some new ideas to the table. I thought I avoided gay relationships because I was terrify of anal. You have given me something new to ponder. Thanks for the new light. Hope you are doing better talk to you soon Mike13


Top
#374256 - 11/04/11 09:04 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Marinan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:58 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#374389 - 11/05/11 08:13 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Marinan]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
((((Jacob)))) Safe hugs!

I hear your struggles. I can relate. I was once married to a woman - R and then was a couple with a man - L. My "memories" started after being with L for 6 years. I am currently single and have no desire to be with anyone romantically due to the many flashbacks and "memories" of oral and anal sex by the men in my childhood. I am changing my associations with others as I continue to separate reality vs. abuse.

Your on the right path. Being here is one of the ways to separate out the memories.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

Top
#375010 - 11/11/11 05:46 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Marinan]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
Yes it does. I am married with 3 kids and every time I meet a male acquaintance I feel like I have to blow him for him to like me. Crazy, but thats the conditioning I got. the only way anyone wants to be bothered with you (me) is to be someones play thing. When I meet someone new, I smile, shake hands, and immediately look at there crotch to see what I am going to have to deal with. Not the best reaction to new people when with your wife. It is something that I don't seem to be able to control.


Top
#375955 - 11/18/11 08:24 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Dexter]
Michael Murphy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/11
Posts: 19
Loc: United States
Hey Jacob,

I too feel the same way. I am a survivor of abuse from females in my family. Its normal for people to want to have sex, and normal for people to crave it. I went through a stage in my life that I wanted to take the pain I felt inside and work it out with sex. But listen that is a dangeress game. for one thats hurts no one but you. and you have been hurt enough. I used to pick up female hookers, but females do nothing for me. So I would go to adult book stores ( very bad Idea) enough said there. I can relate aswell with feeling safe. I have no friends other then you all and my wife. Im now on SSDI because I confronted my abuser and lost my mind in doing so- very bad idea for me. Don't put yourself in a problem area where you think you are not safe. Remember you are the only you , you have.

_________________________
Michael Murphy

Top
#376055 - 11/19/11 01:39 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Michael Murphy]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2434
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Jacob, i feel your emotions and thoughts.

I fell in love with my (abuser), i don't like to use that word, in describing him. I have never considered what he had done to me as abuse of any kind.
Along with those strangers. I thought they loved me too.

I genuinely loved him, he became the parent(s) that i never had. I had adopted him when I was 8 years old. I felt that he genuinely loved me too. He has been a huge part of my life for over 60 years. Until recently.

Now, having put him (Ralph)in the proper place in my life, I am better able to lead that young boy named Pete out from the darkness he has been in for 69 years of his life, into the sunshine.

What my "mom" did to me emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually i had always considered as abuse. I had always wished that she was dead.

I have never felt that way for my lover Ralph, right up to this day.

This gay boy/man is finally coming to learn how to live life to it's fullest.
AS I didn't really know me until now.

Wishing you well in healing my fraternal brother, Jacob. Hopefully some day all of us here in MS will receive the peace & serenity in our lives that we so richly deserve. I sure hope so.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#376363 - 11/21/11 06:00 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Dexter]
VirtualBman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/20/11
Posts: 21
Loc: Dayton, OH
Originally Posted By: Dexter
Yes it does. I am married with 3 kids and every time I meet a male acquaintance I feel like I have to blow him for him to like me... When I meet someone new, I smile, shake hands, and immediately look at there crotch to see what I am going to have to deal with.


God Dexter, you have hit the nail on the head for me. What the fu@k. Why on earth would I think I am ever gonna have to or want to suck this dudes dick. But that is excactly what goes through my head. This makes meeting men in any situation a teensie bit scary.

Why has this stayed with us for all these years? Even after dealing with the abuse and healing in other aspects of life. I agree that the overwhelming sensations and bliss of climax that many experienced along with their abuse has left an impression. Perhaps mine is so deep because I was a virgin prior to my abuse, my first orgasm was with my abuser.

I want to get past this, I feel I need to get past this. I am able to discuss a lot of my past abuse with my wife, but this is taboo, on my part. I would never bring this up out of fear that she would possibly see me as less of a man, or gay.

Be well, be you.


Top
#377548 - 12/01/11 10:08 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: 1lifenow]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1305
Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
Man I can totally relate to what you say, the duplicity of it all.

I think abuse sucks if your straight cuz being abused and yet aroused by the memory of what happened to your body and how it betrayed you is encredibly confusing. You want to be with women cuz thats the social directive and your aroused by women yet there is this part of your brain that wont let you forget the imprint. You must be f'd up.

I think abuse sucks when you would have been gay anyway cuz how could you be attracted to guys when what happened to you was so horrible. The way the sex and orgasm was completely dissociated from any normal feelings of closeness, intimacy or love. Over and over you learn that your job was to be an object to achieve orgasm in a world of extreme secrecy and shame. Marinam you said it perfectly when you called it evil. How f'd up is that.

But please dont give up on T or help, there are people out there and friends in here that can help, like ozzie guy. There are ways and means to pull the tangled mess of emotions apart and find out that you can move forward. But its not easy cuz when you have been the victim of csa, emotionally we are all thumbs.

Be kind to yourself.

grant



This response resonates. The first paragraph talks about "if you're straight" and the second "if you're gay." Very insightful, but what is unsaid is the paragraph "if you didn't know."

I loved women but avoided them ultimately because (1) I was convinced I was gay - or at least more gay than straight and (2) being in a sexually dominant role made me feel CrEePy - made me feel "perp-ish". I SWORE I would never be like him and essentially embraced my role as being sexually submissive as if the choice was actually that black and white.

In one of the guidance-oriented forums here, a distinction was made between being gay and re-enacting past homosexual abuse patterns. Maybe I'm not even gay, then? My partner would LOVE to hear that. "Sorry about all the past years together. They were fun but, well, I'm (gulp) a heterosexual. I tried denying it, but I can't anymore. I am who I am!"

Is my sexuality nothing more than a mirror of my molester's sins?

I come here to pick up where I left off in my recovery efforts 10 years ago and guess it was silly to think it would be a steady, progressive climb. I see the struggles of so many of my brothers here and think that perhaps I need to ratchet down my expectations. Nothing about this is easy, straight-forward or even very comprehensible. There is no formula, there are no rules. I see things like Penn State and Syracuse and realize the world around me is still in denial. We are adrift in a huge ocean and can't even see the shore, much less swim to it. And few outsiders are willing to throw us a life preserver. And they certainly don't welcome us aboard as they steam past us in their beautiful lives.

And then I realize we are hopelessly molded into who we are - sexually and even emotionally. That will never, ever change. I'm serious. How do you unprune a Bonsai tree once it is grown, and transform it to the potential it would have had otherwise? How do you uncook an egg? How do you grow backwards from an adult to a child? Acceptance may be the only grace left...

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#380482 - 12/23/11 06:05 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Chase Eric]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 210
Loc: Oregon
Jacob (Marinan),
You are not alone.

I can't really say when the abuse started, my memory does not go back that far.
I feel the same.
I turned hyper-vigilance into how to check out every guy within a 3 block radius.

In the end, we are all human and we need to remember that humans are fallible.
Give yourself a break, and a new T

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

Top
#380514 - 12/23/11 01:53 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: petercorbett]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Hey Marinan,

I guess you have noticed what you feel about men is kinda common 'round here.
I too have been submissive, giving ass and mouth to men. I have done hundreds of males, and STILL do not consider myself Gay. I consider me SSA (may be in denial).
My Perp did not beat me, force me, he was more of a teacher and years my senior. My 2nd and 3rd Perps were abusive, forcing me, refusing to pleasure me.

In your case, I call it the Pattie Hearst Syndrome. I say that because you have sided with your abusers. The average person sitting on their sofa would scratch their head and wonder why you would have feelings for those animals. I do, most everyone on this website also understand why you have feelings for them. We are not in the majority so you still have to live in a society that does not get that.

Ozzy Guy, and Dexter would be your best contact in grasping your feelings for your Perbs. Out side of Therapy is empathy; in fact people are hired as Counselors because they went through the identical situation. No education required. I see them as the most empathetic for what you are going through.
I go to the gym to workout; I keep looking at the ceiling, so I don't stare at their baskets. It also makes my wife happy; otherwise she would think I am giving it up in the locker room to at least 5 at a time. So I know what you feel and it sucks (maybe I should not use that term). I have a trainer there, and I have told him I was molested for 2 years with a Perp, 2 years with another Perp, and 1 day with a man who raped me. He knows I am SSA and counsels me and works me out. (no! No sex; but gives me direction on the perspective of a straight man.) I know it feels like we are aliens trying to fit in with all these humans.

I know Ozzie Guy and feel he would be an excellent male influence for you. By nature we empathize, and he would be your man. Dexter sounds great as well.

I will talk to you also; I have issues. Not the best candidate.

Be well,

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#385322 - 02/11/12 02:30 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Marinan]
Undiagnosed Offline


Registered: 02/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: Florida Parishes, Louisiana
Originally Posted By: Marinan
Does it bother any of you guys to have such incredible feelings of affection, and sexual attraction to guys when they've harmed you so evilishly?


Marinan,

I've been wondering the same thing. I was abused by men, never by women. Yet I generally love men and generally dislike women. Is it that I hate my mother because she didn't care enough to discover my abuse? Is it that I love my father (even though I never really knew him) simply because everyone I know idolized him? Who knows, no me! LOL

I don't adore the men who molested me, I despise them. I despise all selfish, thoughtless and cruel people and especially pedophiles, male or female. But I realize that not all people are like that, and there are some good, kind and worthy people out there. Problem is (in my case, anyway) that I still can't bring myself to trust them not to betray me and in doing so I inevitably force them to betray me. I'm my own worst enemy in that regard. And if I don't figure a way to change that, I'm destined to die alone, for sure. I, for one, don't really want to die alone...

_________________________
IMHO - Ricky

P.S. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and most of them stink.

Top
#385404 - 02/12/12 01:24 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Undiagnosed]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:45 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#388142 - 03/03/12 04:33 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: lapchinj]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 210
Loc: Oregon
Have you tried a secular therapist?

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

Top
#388239 - 03/04/12 10:27 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: 1lifenow]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
I think abuse sucks if your straight cuz being abused and yet aroused by the memory of what happened to your body and how it betrayed you is encredibly confusing. You want to be with women cuz thats the social directive and your aroused by women yet there is this part of your brain that wont let you forget the imprint. You must be f'd up.


There is that word again. "Betrayed". Its an excellent word when describing a situation or relationship where something that happened was not expected. Its especially appropriate when describing what was done to us; it was a betrayal of trust. But gentlemen, I'd like you to really think about this. Did your bodies really do anything that was unexpected given the circumstances?

Tyler Perry used this word on the 200 men Oprah episode. He said his body betrayed him. I myself have used it as well when describing how the perp got me revved up on porn. But over time, I started to ask myself if my body did anything, anything at all, that it was not designed to do?

Male bodies, and penises particularly, were designed to be reactive, and responsive. Sure, we can delude ourselves into thinking that we are in total control of our bodies at all times. Go ahead. But then think back to the first year or two of adolescence, when you could get an erection for no apparent reason other then the wind changing. Men can and do confuse their reactiveness and reactions to abuse. And especially if it felt pleasurable. Many perps used this against us, saying we wanted, or desired it, and pointed to our reactive and responsive bodies as proof positive. They blamed us for being male.

Let's start this discussion again, trying to take this into account. Yes, the abuse does leave a lasting imprint. Yes, it shouldn't have been done to us. But keep in mind our bodies reacted the way they were supposed to. And in so doing, we can remove some of the guilt and shame that our abusers gave us to carry for many, many years.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.