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#37387 - 06/05/03 03:57 PM Why I'm Coming Undone
Coming-undone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/05/03
Posts: 19
Loc: PA
I am dead. I began dealing with my SA nearly 14 years ago. I have been relatively happy for quite awhile. Then all of the sudden, a week or so ago – I seem to have gone back to the beginning. I feel as bad now as I did when I first started remembering my abuse. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole. I have no idea what triggered this. I feel like shit. I want to run away from my family and be alone. The weirdest part is that I have no emotion. I'm not sad, depressed, etc. Just nothing. This has never happened before. I know I'm in pretty bad shape, but I can't seem to muster any feelings. I'm just plodding along, fantasizing about running away. I've also had a very strong desire to act out. Just goes to show you never completely escape the shit that was done to you.


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#37388 - 06/05/03 04:12 PM Re: Why I'm Coming Undone
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hey Brother Wolf:

I am 62 years old and totally remembered my sa at 16-17 and my prostitution 18-21 as well as acting out over the years. i did not seek help until I was 56.

What I have found is that I have been real good at helping others and not practicing what I preach.

I say to myself there that is done now what is next.

Only thing is I just pay it lip service.

I have learned to acknowledge that it did happen and not matter what I cannot change the facts. What I can change is my feelings and beliefs about it.

I have directed the anger where it belongs and recognize that is was not my fault.

Now while I remember the past I will do my damnest not to let it influence the future because that is where I am going to spend the rest of my life.

You are here and with us and you will heal I guarantee it. It just takes longer than we want it to.

So welcome back to the Pack my Bother Wolf. We are all in this together.

aWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#37389 - 06/05/03 04:43 PM Re: Why I'm Coming Undone
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
c-u/willp,

What happened a week ago, a month ago? Anything that could have touched something inside you? A good experience?

Yeah, it never goes completely away. Tie a knot and hang on, this too shall pass.

jer


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#37390 - 06/05/03 08:05 PM Re: Why I'm Coming Undone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Will
haven't heard from you for a while, sorry you need to come back though.

Perhaps you just need some reassurance. Maybe the 'feelgood factor' is giving you time to think again ?

But look at the positive side, you've recognised it and sought help, that's most of the way to beating it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#37391 - 06/06/03 06:38 AM Re: Why I'm Coming Undone
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Your here, we are here all for the same reason. I don't believe that there are any of us that don't "slip" back, that don't say "Why me", what have I done to deserve all of this shit!!, these emotions, these feelings.
Let it out, my biggest fear was being judged, being critized, being told I was not being truthful, telling it all, having everything I own dug through and assumptions being made from what was found. You know what they weren't there, this did not happen to them, it happened to me, it happened to you. And, it was not our fault. Saddness, depression, all that goes with it is tragically part of this whole ordeal. I am 58 and have finally come clean thanks to alot of reading,3 years with a T, this site and a need to have a feeling of inner peace that I was robbed of so many years ago.
Keep coming back, on good days and bad, no one is here to judge, no one is going to probe into your personal life and pass judgement. Not here, it is safe.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#37392 - 06/06/03 08:47 AM Re: Why I'm Coming Undone
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
The saying "depression is anger turned inward" has never made sense to me. For whatever reason, my issues don't involve a lot of unresolved anger.

My T's theory is "depression is unresolved sadness". Now this makes a whole of sense to me. It fits me a bit too tight, but I've got another way to think about my depression, the meds I take, and ways I can do the grieving over my past that I need to do.

jer


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