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#370628 - 09/21/11 01:49 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: anniec56]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Anniec

I don't usually respond to posts to this question, but I cant PM you.
Don't forget that your husband sees this as a failure as a man. It is not going to be easy for him to admit this and go to therapy.
Don't force him Just love him, but more importantly, don't let him abuse you in any way.
Get yourself into a CODA program or and Al-Anon Program. The wonderful ladies here will help YOU to cope with what is about to happen in your life. It is gong to be a rough ride but don't give up, there is hope.

_________________________
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Survivors Supporting Each other
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#370632 - 09/21/11 06:54 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
anniec56 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 3
This happened over a year ago this month. After a roller coaster ride and a great therapist for myself, and reading the board throughout there have been boundary's set, and even though I know his life could be better, it was his choice to get help and I have never forced the issue after suggesting it once. As to abuse, after this one incident in 34 yrs and him telling me his story the verbal abuse has never occurred again.( part of the boundaries set)took the rough ride, now just little bumps in the road,with a lot of love in between and hope that someday he will be all that he can be


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#371137 - 09/27/11 01:57 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: anniec56]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Need more ywall, (supposed to be southern expression)

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#372469 - 10/15/11 04:03 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi all partners

Still trying to get more input, these are questions for my family group here at home so all your experience will help

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#372474 - 10/15/11 04:36 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
Hi Martin--

ben and i aren't partners, or even dating right now...but i do seem to be "that man" so to speak given everthing below...

i am a 41 year gay male...and my survivor is a 31 year old guy in his first year or so of recovery.

we met nearly three years ago and our pwerful connection happened at first sight...we grew close very fast and had a long courtship that was wonderful, but very confusing for about 6 months. he was tender and emotionally intimate in deeper and more meaningful ways than i had ever experienced before. his love and adoration for me was clear and obvious to everyone, but every time it seemed like we would finally hook up, he awkwardly and abruptly ended the evening and ran home.

suffice it say, eventually we did hook up. the sex was powerfully emotional, and great. so much so that afterward i chuckled about my confusion all that time about whether he was straight or gay, or whether i would be his very fist same-sex encounter because he seemed very experienced and had no reservations.

the next 6 months, however, while a continued courtship that remained loving and deeply emotionally intimate, was only physical one or two more times, and in between he was back to the awkward running away at the end of the evening.

while very slow, and very confusing for me given that the seal had been broken so to speak, i just figured he had some baggage from his past that made him skiddish about commitment or about coming out (which he did not seem to be)...although at the very beginning he identified himself orientation-wise as being "just ben"...which overall made me conclude he was bisexual and was unsure about whether he wanted to be partnered with a man or a woman.

6 months into the post sex period, laying in bed with me in the middle of the night after having declined sex several hours earlier, he told me about the abuse and that i was the only person he had ever trusted and loved enough to tell...and the real journey began.

at that time he was not in counseling, and had not ever addressed the abuse before. over the next several months he continued to bring it up and he told me about his deep love for me, but also about the terrifying nightmares i had triggered and the lostness and despair he was in, and all the other usual things we have all experienced with our survivors.

he told me that i was the first and only man he had ever been with, and that i was the only man he ever would be with. his life before me had been exclusively straight, and extremely hypersexual and hypermasculine...he had slept with countless women, hundreds and hundreds over the years...he had been a player of the most extreme proportion i had ever known.

nevertheless, it seemed clear that i was now the primary most important human to him, and that this was a journey he needed to explore but that i was the one he was journeying from in order to figure himself out...i was the one he always was emotionally intimate with and everything else was simply an experiment to figure out whether this new path of being with a man was indeed the right thing for him.

from his disclosure for about a year there was no sex of any kind. but our mutual emotional intimacy continued to palpably deepen almost every day...he showered me in very personal gifts and love all the time, and his visible in-love feelings were so noticeable that, for example, even strangers commented to us about how wonderful our love for one another made even them feel touched when they were sitting next to us at a bar.

with my gentle encouragement and support, he eventually made the decision to start counseling.

if you need more, the rest of my complete story is in my post earlier today..."rallying to stay, or rallying to go"


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#372533 - 10/16/11 03:49 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: anniec56]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
My husband disclosed to me on September 2, 2010. We have been married since 1990, we have 5 children. 4 boys(all older 24-16) and 1 girl (4 years). He told me quite by accident. Or he had not intended on telling me. We were separated for a week or so and had spent a couple of wonderful days together. After those days I sent him an email saying that our separation was to give us time to decide if we should work on our marital issues. Those issues were respect, money problems, h keeping secrets with the kids. A combination of 22 years of together that was broken. Told him we needed to be open and honest with each other. Have a different kind of marriage. I knew about an infidelity that happened early in our marriage and we never really discussed it. I thought there was more so we needed to talk. I tricked him by saying I knew more. So basically fess up and we can work on this.
He proceeded to tell me that he has been cheating on me since the beginning of our marriage. He has never been faithful. He has been going to strip clubs and prostitutes since we were dating. Really crazy crazy sex addiction stuff. After he was done, I was sitting in stunned silence. He was crying, telling me how much he loved me. Was sorry etc.
I turned to him and just asked one question.

"Were you sexually abused as a child?"

He looked at me. Stunned, his mouth open slightly. and just said "Yes"

Total silence.

I sat down on the floor in front of him. He was on the couch.

I began to ask questions. "How old were you", "How long did it go on", "How did it start,", "who was your abuser", "Did he threaten you", "Are you still afraid", "have you ever confronted him", "do you want to confront him", "Do you feel shame", "Do you blame yourself". "how do you hold a child responsible for such an evil crime?" "where is your compassion for that little boy?"
I then used comparisons of our boys when they were 9, 10, and 11 and brought him back to the mind of a child. Reminding him how innocent kids are at that age. How they NEED protection as much as they protest they know what they are doing. They are in control. etc. We need to protect children. It's our job. It was his Mother's job to protect him. That love can conquer ALL. That GOD can conquer all.
He began to talk and talk and talk. For hours! I found out more about him in those few hours than in our entire marriage. His feelings of insecurity, loneliness, how scared he was. He didn't know WHO he was.
He wanted to know who he was, is he the monster that would sexually betray his wife OR is he the giving, generous, man of faith everyone else sees.
I said you are BOTH.
I told him it is very common for victims to take some of the blame just because they are present, because they felt pleasure (body response) and actual pleasure (because they enjoyed some of it). That little boys cannot control their body response and yes, sex is enjoyable. BUT YOU WERE VICTIMIZED AND EXPLOITED! You were groomed for this, YOU WERE RAPED! you did not volunteer or give your consent because little 9, 10, 11 year old boy CANNOT GIVE CONSENT!
"YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME", "FORGIVE THAT LITTLE BOY THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN PROTECTED, DON'T BLAME HIM", STOP PUNISHING HIM. HE'S JUST A LITTLE BOY.

On my knees, I told him about God's forgiveness, I told him that he is insulting God by walking around in the bondage of Shame. It is not his to carry. Forgive himself, forgive that lonely little boy who was just looking to impress an older boy and was victimized by him.

I hugged him and whispered. "I wish I could have protected that little boy, I love him so much and I would have protected him". everyone used to call him Robbie when he was little, I said "Robbie, it was not your fault. Not your fault and I am so so sorry. "I love you Robbie". I put my hands on his head. Touched my forehead to his. Said the Lord's prayer out loud to him. And just held him while he cried.

I ended with, "We're going to therapy, I will be with you every step of the way and never leave you. You will not face this alone. We are going back to save Robbie."
Two are always better off than one. Because if one of them falls, the other can help him up... Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone. A rope made of 3 cords is hard to break. Me, You and God.

He has been in Therapy for the CSA, Sex Addiction and marriage counseling. 3 times a week since September but we have an established relationship with the Therapist as our marriage counselor. He specializes in his practice... Childhood sexual abuse! (We had no idea, we thought he was just a marriage counselor)
DIVINE GUIDANCE. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS Coincidence.

The road has been hell and its only week 7.

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#372552 - 10/16/11 10:19 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Annie, you are awesome.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#373272 - 10/24/11 09:08 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: MrEdd]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 681
Loc: NJ
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
I'm brushing my teeth, he's in the shower and says "What do you want me to tell you? That I was abused as a child?" I am stunned and silent - then the next day, just before bed, he tells me. No warning - no context.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
I think I always assumed something bad had happened to him - but didn't fathom this bad. Individual and couples therapy after affair discovered 4 months ago.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
He was already in therapy, but not with someone who knows about this stuff. I am hopeful.


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#373416 - 10/26/11 12:01 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thank you all for posting.
I know it takes courage to tell these stories, and I hope that they will all have happy endings.

If there are more brave partners out there I need more answers to get to some form of an answer.

Martin

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Matrix Men Blog

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#373787 - 10/30/11 03:40 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: 4grace]
misscrespo Offline


Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 45

1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?

We had been together for 3 months. He took me on a romantic trip for my birth day. I wanted to have sex, he couldn't. He then said: I might as well be completely honest with you. Then proceeded to tell me everything. At the time I thought in quite a lot of detail, but actually he was very general about it. He told me he had a very tough time growing up. His dad had abused him sexually and his step-dad had physically abused him too. He said it resulted in a lot of anger and mixed feelings and as a consequence, he did poorly in school, and made bad choices, and he got sent away. he said he wanted to be honest with me because I deserved as much. He said his previous partner didn't believe him when he told her and that had upset him deeply, so he wanted to know soon(ish) how would i take it. He told me: if you now want to leave me I completely understand, but I would be very sad to lose you. At that point my heart broke into pieces, I realized I loved him very deeply, I hugged him, I told him I loved him and we spent the entire night talking about our pasts, under the stars, we saw the sunrise and it was a very beautiful experience for both of us.


2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Never, I thought he was the nicest guy I had ever met (I still do.)

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
NOT AT ALL. it took him two years and a lot of arguing and getting fired from his job to get him to think he needed help. But it has changed our lives. It is still challenging being with him but I couldn't even begin to imagine my life without him.


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