As we all now know, it is not good for a child to be sexualized. It damages their soul…It really messes them up!
After my CSA I think what I would call my "sexual compass" (which I didn’t know I had) got skewed off course at that time and changed directions from light to darkness and from healthy to unhealthy. At that time I thought it was OK for boys to
do these things. I thought everybody did it. The breeze brewed into a storm…Unfortunately, Like any true sex addict,
I started to equate sex with love. I also started to believe that sex was all I was good for. I never played any sports. I never thought I was good enough. I had no confidence. Of course I never had any encouragement to pursue any sport either. Because I was not an athlete, I always felt different…. like an outcast…like I didn’t belong. I had few close friends but fortunately I was a good actor and was very friendly. I was a good talker, and could make people laugh. I could be very funny. This helped me a lot. But in reality I was consumed with my search for love and obsessed with
sex from age nine. Why would anyone love me unless they could use me? What else was I good for? ……………………………….…Nothing………….I thought.
What I’ve realized lately is sex became an extremely powerful thing for me at this time in my life. Sex validated my relationship. It became my only way to express my love for someone. Worst off is sex validated me, my mind related the facts that if you have sex with me you must love me.
I spent much of my life desperate for love and not knowing what words to use or where to find it. All I have ever wanted was to have someone or something fill the hole in my heart and love me. . . I needed calm, control, and a feeling of all is well in my life… I needed LOVE.
My wife and Christ have done this.
His Atonement has filled and healed me.
Christ has restored all that was taken from me many years ago in my youth… My power, my sexual identity, my self-worth and most importantly my soul…
“He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness…” Ps. 23:3
I cannot even put into words my gratitude for the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ. We can not sink lower than the arms of the Atonement can reach us. He has saved me from my sins and the sins of my fathers. I have never felt closer to HIM…………………………… He healed my damaged soul.
Christ has been with me my entire journey.
“I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” (Heb. 12:5)
I could not have survived and recovered without HIM. He also placed many good people along my path to help and counsel me away from the dragon. They have taught me Gospel truths and calmed my heart. They have taught me what LOVE and happiness are. They have been the angels in my life that bore me up. They along with Christ have helped me to “become.” To become more than the little boy that wanted to run away, but to become with all my imperfections, the man, the father, and the son of God that I am today. My heart is full of gratitude for every challenge and obstacle that I have been through and for all that are yet to come…. They bless my life...bring it on!!
To anyone reading this please feel my love your you and the love Christ has for you...."seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you.."
Take care, Ted
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.