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#37373 - 07/03/02 03:00 PM Need to talk- ah, progress
Redswami Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/10/02
Posts: 4
Loc: Miami Beach
Within the month my girlfriend and I will have been together for a year. Right now I've come to her home for a couple of weeks. This visit with her family is thankfully less anxiety ridden than Christmas, which to me is still nightmarish when I think back. I've been in therapy and working on my issues of sexual abuse now for 7 months and I know I have progressed by leaps and bounds. The thing I have trouble with is the understanding and acceptance that with progression comes new challenges.

Here I am, visiting with her family as "the boyfriend" and I still feel that inner guy inside talking me out of believing it. This has felt like a dream to me; at times a fantatic one, others a dream out of reach. I grew up always believing that I could never really be with a girl, I could never be accepted dating a girl, being around other men as a "straight" male. I was abused by two males in my family, closer to my age than an actual adult, but still older. I remember growing feeling such shame about "who I was" and as I've taken baby steps to see that the idea of "who I was" was really "what had happened to me". I still find myself giving in sabatoging my comfort and trust with messages about not being enough of this kind of guy or that kind of guy or like her Dad or like the guy sitting in the chair across the restaurant. My moments of comparing physical appearance and my fantasy idea that every guy I see has large genetalia and is therefore a real man or has a sexual power that I can never have. (I'm getting lost in my thoughts)

I've had a blessed couple of minutes with Loren, my girlfriend, and her family and myself when I realized that what all those boys and now men have that I envy and long for and have had all along (at least in my perception) is trust and security. Trust in their bodies and security in their sexuality. At the least, I envied "normal" people's chance to develope their sexuality on their own. I still have times when I look at men's packages in a desperate attempt to size them up and belittle my own self-image and worth. For all my areas of progress this still occurs and wears me down! Fluctuating between running to masturbate for relief and taking care of myself is frustrating. I feel like I'm not helpless in this, I am feeling like I still have some attatchment to the ideas I held onto about the abuse. They were the make up of my life up until this past year. Whether it really was "who I was" or not, it is still "who I thought I was". Having moments of comfortablitity and true pleasure at my situation, being in love with a girl, getting along like a best friend with her at her home, getting along great with her parents, feeling a real acceptance- its great, but it is also scary at times. I get scared. And I get worried that it will all be taken away. So much was taken away from me! I struggle. ...sometimes I just need to say, read, hear these things for myself.

Here with my girlfriend and her family I have little time to myself it seems. I'm missing two weeks of therapy and group and I do miss them. I have little time with my girlfriend too. That has been a strange thing... we've been living together (me at her place) for almost three months I guess. Coming here and having to sleep apart and not be at all intimate has felt at times like secrecy. I've gotten so compfortable with our relationship, coming here and fighting my ingrained ideas about love and sex and dating has been tough because so often I feel I'm doing it alone. In front of her, but not with her. My resources are not as available it seems. But I know this is what I need- to be thrust into being somewhat on my own to try out these new waters. Our love isn't secretive, though I feel aan invading sense of secrecy about it. We don't need to be physicaly intimate to be together or close, yet I feel threatened and at times lost without those encounters... I have used them as a huge barometer and support for my choice to be with her. To prove my ability to be with a woman. Still approaching it from a childs piint of view It think... not fully trusting my expereince and choices- I feel stifled at times by constantly needing validation. Guys, I love her like I have never loved anyone. She lights me up in a way I have never been lit up before! I use to compare this to my feelings in my dangerous acting out expereinces with men, and would be so lost and confused wondering if it was right since I didn't feel the rush and intense fear/lust/desperation feeling of those times. ...this is upsetting. I searched so long for a way to control the abuse and time and time again, what I thought was my choice, mine to own and carry and control, ended up overtaking me and eating me up.... this is something different and new, always new, and that is scary to trust. I love her, my hardest times are when I doubt myself and my love for her. As she-and-I-together clash with the risidual self-concept I carry of myself from childhood, I guess I just have to be patient and if trusting in myself or my choice is hard, try to at least give my trust and faith to the higher power of the unverse... taht I'm being taken care of in a grand scale. ...and that my anger I have inside needs to come out and will come out in due time. Ahh... I'm a bit numb guys.

I'm gonna end this here, it's a long one. Thanks for listneing.

David


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#37374 - 07/03/02 03:07 PM Re: Need to talk- ah, progress
Redswami Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/10/02
Posts: 4
Loc: Miami Beach
This one thing:

I had this great moment with Loren's Dad when we were all at the beach. He knew me and met me two years ago when I'd come home with Loren as her "gay friend" really. Loren has talked a little bit with her parents about my situation, and at one time he asked Loren "Do you really think this is something David will be able to get through and move on from." "I think so" she'd said.

Well this weekend Loren and her Mom were walking up to where her Dad and I had set up the beach chairs and said something like, "Hey look at these two coming up. ... you get the one on the right, I'll take the one on the left." AHHH! I have to say that was a huge moment. That validation I hope for so often. The support and faith I look for from the world, the world I thought would never trust me or believe my story... well, ... it felt good to hear him talk with me as just another guy... a guy dating his daughter that he could happily joke with... talk to me with faith in my choices for my life. To have such an exchange was something I never thought would/could happen and something I've longed for since being younger with my Dad.

I just wanted to add this, more for myself so I could end focusing on a very positive note. These new things still can scare me and my old worries may stilll linger, but I know that I am healing and my world and life and universe is shaping into a life I am happy to have and be a part of.

David


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#37375 - 07/03/02 05:32 PM Re: Need to talk- ah, progress
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 989
Loc: Bradenton, FL
David

Sounds like Loren's parents are truly wonderfl people. To be trusted and accepted is such a great feeling for those of us who struggle with trust issues.

I am so happy you have become part of what sounds like a healthy, loving family. Allow their love to help heal you and your insecurities.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#37376 - 07/03/02 06:42 PM Re: Need to talk- ah, progress
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
David
I'm so happy for you both, I'm so happy I think I'm going to cry again !!
Lloydy \:\)

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Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#37377 - 07/04/02 04:39 AM Re: Need to talk- ah, progress
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
David . I think the real world has learned a lot about our dark world in the last few years and have become to see us as good people. Sure we went to hell and back but we weren,t in the drivers seat. The more normal time you spend in this loving relationship the farther away from your past life you travel.
I see nolthing but good ahead for you because your girlfriend knows about your SA issues and you are getting help through therapy.. David just go for it ,the great life is your,s , Muldoon

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Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#37378 - 07/08/02 10:40 AM Re: Need to talk- ah, progress
Redswami Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/10/02
Posts: 4
Loc: Miami Beach
Thank you guys-

I just got back from our vacation to St. George Island. I had a really really rough couple of days when inside I was wrestling arond and around with ideas of wanting to leave Loren and not being sure if where I was was were I wanted to be. I only found peace when I stopped looking for it, I guess. I did some body work and talked a little with Loren about some nightmares I'd had and before I knew it I felt better. As we sat on their dock watching the sunset, I realized I felt better and I hadn't even gotten any answer I thought I so desperately needed to find. I wondered what that could mean. Writing this now, I wonder if it means to say the question was unimportant or unneccessary itself. Anyways, the trip was great. The last two days were really enjoyable for me, inside and out. It was great to get back into town and read such encouraging things. Thank you, really.

David.


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#37379 - 07/23/02 10:00 PM Re: Need to talk- ah, progress
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
THANKS REDSWAMI,
I KNOW THAT FEELING OF RESPECT AND VALIDATION FROM SOMEONE I HELD IN HIGH ESTEEM. HE KNEW MY WHOLE HISTORY AND HE TREATED ME WITH RESPECT AND INCLUDED ME AS ONE OF HIS BEST FRIENDS. YOUR STORY BRINGS A TEAR TO MY EYES. I'M VERY GLAD FOR YOU. THANK YOU.
------- BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF


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#37380 - 07/23/02 11:03 PM Re: Need to talk- ah, progress
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Just had to say hello from another South Florida place... Miami... But wanted to say that your statement about healing brings on more challenges... ahhhh,, maybe that is what I am experiencing right now... Thanks.. maybe I just needed to hear that one.

By the way, you may want to check out an organization called Innermotion. They are based out of Fort Lauderdale but have some pretty good survivor events in the area from time to time.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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