One of the last interactions I had with my dad AND "my mom" was when I was 15. My parents had divorced. I was staying with my dad. I wanted so much to be with my dad. I came home from school to discover my dad at home which was very unusual for him to be home that early. My dad would inform me after telling me to sit down that "my mom" had tried to commit suicide. I was just 15 and felt this NEED to be with her.

I forgot my need and wish to be with my dad.

I want to forget what happened after I went to be with her so I will NOT write about the events that changed my life.

What has me so consfused today is:

My dad died last year after getting sick with pancreatic cancer. I had NOT talked to my dad in 20 years. I went to be with him. I blamed myself for so many things. I still blame myself.

I was married for a brief time in my early adult life but have been single for a great amount time in the last 20 years. I have been so confused about my relationships with others. I distanced myself from everyone.

I never got to be the man like my dad.

What is wrong with me?

Avery

Hi Avery,There is nothing wrong with you it sounds like you turned out to be a man that both your parents would be very proud of ,please remember to take it easy on yourself,Andrew.

I think most of us here figured out that our early childhood is the foundation of which our adult lives are built upon. The most important thing for a child is to be raised in a loving home by both their mom & dad. Having parents that divorce, especially early on, insert drama & chaos into their childs life sets them up for a very rocky journey in life. Add in CSA for extra measure and the problems just multiply.

There is nothing wrong with you. You did the best anyone could do in your situation. You deserved better, hell we all deserved better. You are normal in an abnormal situation. Don't blame yourself for other's mistakes. It was never your responsibilty to fix things you didn't break or to fix things that cannot be fixed.

If your father went through everything that you went through, he might not have been half the man you are right now.

Be kind to yourself...

Avery

All of us at MS have to relearn some things about ourselves, some more some less.

We were lied to by abuse, especially by csa. It lied to us that it was love. It wasn't really love, it was only a carnal* feeling. It started out our love-responding emotions before we were mature enough to respond in a loving way. The love-responding emotions then had a way of kicking us back in the face. Our love-responding emotions were turned on in a way that we couldn't possibly learn or grow or thrive from those experiences. That made it much harder for us to respond to others.

In marriage later, instead of taking a new and sparkling love-responding or love-making emotion out of our cupboard for our spouse, we take out a tattered and torn and much used and much depleted emotion. That doesn't make for a good start in a relationship. It can be done but it takes extra effort.

Also all of our relationships are affected. If our love-responding emotion was started up prematurely, then we will tend to see many relationships through those love-responding emotions, even relationships where that emotion isn't needed or wanted. Here again it can be overcome but it takes some work. The responses have to be re-educated.

Puffer

* carnal means a basic feeling that even animals have. It's possible to touch puppies on their back in a way that will make them hump. But that's not good for them and would be an example of poor dog training. Dogs are carnivores, which means meat-eaters.