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#373585 - 10/28/11 01:50 AM My Introduction Story *May Trigger*
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

I was sexually abused as a kid, groomed and molested by a boy a few years older than me, that boy was my first cousin. The sexual abuse began when I was in the 6th grade, in 1967; Steve, my cousin, the perpetrator, was in high school. It was about this time of year, Autumn, not my favorite season. I was also betrayed by the adults in my family who were too distracted or overwhelmed by their own dysfunction to notice and to protect me from him. It ended, not a second too soon, three years later, when I was in the 9th grade. I hated what he did to me, what he made me do to him and how it made me feel. The shame and guilt were unbearable, it's when I learned what wanting to die felt like and it's when I learned to mistrust and hate God, as well as myself.

It was soul murder in ways and almost too much to deal with on many levels. The physical sensations of sex were terrifying in the beginning. I wasn't grown enough, physically, intellectually or emotionally to understand or cope with what was happening to me. That my perpetrator cousin often teased me and laughed at my inexperience and innocence never made things easier. Though in time, as I gained more experience, some of the sensations became pleasant in ways, at least physically, and it made me begin to want something more. That's when I developed a crush on him, wanting to be loved by him, wanted to romantically bond with him. That sure wasn't going to fly though and I was harshly rebuked by him for wanting any kindness or intimacy and berated for being a queer and now a fag cocksucker. It was a very confusing time, the rules didn't make any sense, not his rules, not societies rules, not religions rules. It took many years and a lot of therapy sessions to sort it out.

Beginning with the abuse and in the years that followed I've experienced many of the symptoms typical of CSA victims and survivors: Unrelenting fear, anxiety, and panic attacks... A lifetime of depression, occasional suicidal thoughts and past attempts... Uncontrolled anger and rage as an adolescent... Anorexia, binge eating, obesity... Drug and alcohol abuse... Pornography, past periods of promiscuous sex and long periods of no sex... Perfectionism, a need to control and to obsess over things... Avoidance behaviors, mistrust and isolation... I'll bet you understand, too many of you have been there too.

I've had a lot of therapy and most of it was very good, with skilled, ethical and competent healers. I had a couple bad ones too, harmful, but both of them were before male sexual abuse was acknowledged much less treated. Still even with the good therapists the healing work that was missing for me was group work. As many of you know, most places, groups for male survivors are still in short supply, if you're a survivor of adult male rape they're even scarcer. Even when available they may not be affordable, a lack of money and insurance are a common problem with survivors. And then there is the “stigma” of our issue and that fear we may have of it ourselves, it may keep us away from having contact with each other. I barely trust myself at times and I'm going to trust a stranger with issues of their own? It can be a real leap of faith, the trust it takes to walk through the door! Yet I know, if it's available, I must because I can only get so far by myself and the pain of isolation is too much and too lonely.

So I'm here as part of a lifetime healing journey. It seems my path of recovery has been going on for a long, long time. I once believed that such journeys not only had a starting point but also had a finite place where they ended. My real life experiences, although, have shown me that recovery is ongoing, that it's a process which takes time, takes commitment and work; not that I'm very good at any of those things. So my recovery has been done in fits and starts and stalls and many, many restarts. Healing and growing has been happening for me over my lifetime and not overnight as I'd once hoped it would. At times it has overwhelmed me and I've had to walk away from it. At other times, I'd learned enough of something good that I just needed to go live with that new knowledge and healing for awhile. To simply enjoy life for a time.

For those of you just starting out on your road to recovery I hope this does not frighten you away. Your path will be your own and you will navigate it in your own way and time. Have faith that making progress, even small advancements, is better than staying stuck. I've been stuck, am presently stuck, it's dead end. When things aren't going quite so well I need to remind myself it's temporary, it will pass and things are still better than they were. That they can get better, but it's largely up to me to make it happen, although I can't do it alone. As I continue my path of healing I need to share that road with others. I have much to learn and hopefully something I can share. I've been here before, so some of you know me already, others do not, but I hope that in time you will and that together we'll discover the gift of healing, in alliance, with one another.

Thank you for listening...

Gary - 1.healing


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#373596 - 10/28/11 08:33 AM Re: My Introduction Story *May Trigger* [Re: 1.healing]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
That's a powerful well said introduction Gary.

So sorry it happened to you or any of us. So glad you are here to heal.

I hate seeing guys stuck here....hate it so bad. I am with you. We can all do this.

It's a head game. But like any game I play to win.

Best to you. Best to us all.

Keith

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#373602 - 10/28/11 09:40 AM Re: My Introduction Story *May Trigger* [Re: 1.healing]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Gary !

Thanks for posting your story-And welcome to MS, brother.

I look forward to getting to know u more and to hearing how your life has gotten better over the years. Being a survivor is my third or fourth major recovery event-alcohol, sex, and money have also taken me down bad paths- this is the root cause for me, as well as my reaction to it and to a very unavailable family growing up. My silence and my behavior have made things worse, but at the time hose were the Only tools I had.

Again, welcome!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#373618 - 10/28/11 12:38 PM Re: My Introduction Story *May Trigger* [Re: 1.healing]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, Gary.

Thanks for sharing that. It shows your inner-strength and gives me hope for my own continued rollercoaster of healing.

I could have written this myself:

"Beginning with the abuse and in the years that followed I've experienced many of the symptoms typical of CSA victims and survivors: Unrelenting fear, anxiety, and panic attacks... A lifetime of depression, occasional suicidal thoughts and past attempts... Uncontrolled anger and rage as an adolescent... Anorexia, binge eating, obesity... Drug and alcohol abuse... Pornography, past periods of promiscuous sex and long periods of no sex... Perfectionism, a need to control and to obsess over things... Avoidance behaviors, mistrust and isolation... I'll bet you understand, too many of you have been there too."

I know all to well of what you speak. Anyway, welcome, and best of luck on your journey.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

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#373655 - 10/28/11 09:07 PM Re: My Introduction Story *May Trigger* [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Thanks for your posts, Guys!

Can't begin to tell you how much it means when someone really knows what it's like, truly understands, as you all clearly do.

I'm grateful for your support and kindness, thanks for making me feel so welcome!

Warm regards,

Gary


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#373664 - 10/28/11 10:06 PM Re: My Introduction Story *May Trigger* [Re: 1.healing]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I'm a supporter--welcome. "Soul Murder" - Wow...so apt a de>
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#373670 - 10/28/11 11:13 PM Re: My Introduction Story *May Trigger* [Re: GoodHope]
NewSummer Offline


Registered: 09/01/11
Posts: 59
Loc: Surrey BC
My perp was my cousin as well. I too developed a crush on him.
Drug and alcohol abuse.. promiscuous sex..Avoidance behaviors, mistrust and isolation..
Thank you for your post..Your words mean so much. I am not alone.

_________________________
life is what happens while you make other plans- John Lennon

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#373682 - 10/29/11 04:47 AM Re: My Introduction Story *May Trigger* [Re: NewSummer]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Hey 1.healing ...

I remember you bro. Thanks for sharing your story. You're not alone smile

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#373696 - 10/29/11 10:05 AM Re: My Introduction Story *May Trigger* [Re: Darkheart]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother, Gary.

Welcome back.

My compassion, understanding & love is still here for you.

You have been a tremendous mentor/confidant/brother to me this past year.

Especially in the "Loving" my perp forum.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, Gary, heal well.

"I will take the lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#373700 - 10/29/11 11:12 AM Re: My Introduction Story *May Trigger* [Re: petercorbett]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Dear Healing Brothers,

Welcoming me here and your support mean more than these words could ever express. My very spirit is touched by your love and kindness, it renews me and gives me strength and hope. I am blessed through you, from my heart... thank you!

Always,

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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