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#373533 - 10/27/11 04:07 PM The last stand *triggers*
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
He leaves me in bed and goes to the next room.

*flick*

I feel him kiss me on the head while I'm half asleep and hear footsteps leave again.

*flick*

I hear footsteps coming back in.

*flick*

A pair of sad eyes, begging me to leave without a word.

*flick*
*flick*
*flick*

Get in my car and leave.

*flick*

Nuclear attack ensues.



Edited by hopeandtry (10/27/11 04:08 PM)

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#373608 - 10/28/11 10:58 AM Re: The last stand *triggers* [Re: hopeandtry]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Patience, I guess.
He probably feels alot of guilt about it. Especially if it hurts you.
The thing with me was.
I really really loved my girlfriend... alot.
But my PTSD would really get between us.
I know it would hurt her sometimes, and I felt guilty. The thing is survivors might react to guilt a little differently than others. A non survivor might react to that guilt by trying to be closer with the person, or getting them a gift, or realizing they shouldnt feel so damn guilty and truly and openly tell that woman how they and why theyre acting that way.
It wasnt that easy for me. Hind sight I guess.
I reacted to guilt differently, since guilt was used to manipulate me as a child. I would feel guilty for causing my girlfriend pain (by being scared, distant, and mistrustful as well as a little too passive and not being able to be a strong man in her life) but my reaction would be to sub consciously blame my girl for the guilt that I was feeling and associate her with my perpetrator(s). again subconsciously.
Hindsight I guess frown

Hope that made sense.
Henri

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#373662 - 10/28/11 09:38 PM Re: The last stand *triggers* [Re: kinghenri]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
King Henri,
My husband does/did that to me... sub consciously he would blame me for making him feel guilty about something he did and then become resentful, which then game him permission to hire a prostitute because I didn't understand him. He said that everytime he hired a professional, in his mind it was to get me back for whatever I did.

Then he would drink to forget what he did what he was going through, misbehave and we come full circle back to blaming me.

I knew it but reading it in your post was like a light bulb. Thanks!


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#373663 - 10/28/11 09:46 PM Re: The last stand *triggers* [Re: Gretta]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Henri,

Thanks for the comments. Things are over between us, but I am dealing with a lot of grief. I ignored it/buried it for a few weeks but of course that doesn't work for long. Now it's hitting me pretty hard.


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#373701 - 10/29/11 11:54 AM Re: The last stand *triggers* [Re: hopeandtry]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thank you Gretta I am glad I could offer insight.



Hopeandtry, it's okay to feel grief. Just another part of being human.
We all, survivors and friends have to do the best that we can to move forward and remove the perps' influences in our lives. Wether directly or indirectly.
As for prostitutes, I'm prettt sure you meant more to him than prostitutes. It's just a very dysfunctional and destructive habbit.
Lucky for me, i've always been turned off to prostitutes, most likely because we had a transvestite crackhead prostitute who was like 6'1" living with us who constantly talked about his sexual exploits....akward lol.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#373702 - 10/29/11 12:01 PM Re: The last stand *triggers* [Re: kinghenri]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
kinghenri - what the solution to stop the cycle of guilt then? For a supporter/spouse? My therapist says it is to not take anything personally. Easier said than done. How do we step out of the cycle because this certainly resonates with me?


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#373710 - 10/29/11 01:20 PM Re: The last stand *triggers* [Re: Esposa]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 358
King Henri,

Wow these words resonated with me.

I know it would hurt her sometimes, and I felt guilty. The thing is survivors might react to guilt a little differently than others. A non survivor might react to that guilt by trying to be closer with the person, or getting them a gift, or realizing they shouldnt feel so damn guilty and truly and openly tell that woman how they and why theyre acting that way.
It wasnt that easy for me. Hind sight I guess.
I reacted to guilt differently, since guilt was used to manipulate me as a child. I would feel guilty for causing my girlfriend pain (by being scared, distant, and mistrustful as well as a little too passive and not being able to be a strong man in her life) but my reaction would be to sub consciously blame my girl for the guilt that I was feeling and associate her with my perpetrator(s). again subconsciously.



I do expect him to act like me when he feels guilt but he isn't me nor will he ever be me. If nothing else,he is a man and I am a woman.

Wow, Gretta! Parallel lives.....

Has anyone ever read Intimacy Anorexia by Douglass Weiss? It really helped me with this kind of thing. For me, Ihad to laugh when I read it. Not that it was funny but that it was so spot on. He talks alot about the blame game.

I actually know of one man who told his wife if she kept the house cleaner, he wouldn't act out. Really?


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#373711 - 10/29/11 01:34 PM Re: The last stand *triggers* [Re: lucylives]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Lucy...I am so near that last example. My husband is currently attributing EVERYTHING to me. I am to blame for his needing to drink, I am to blame for the fact that he can't feel happy, I am to blame for his feeling emotionally numb. And the messed up part is that it takes ALL OF MY ENERGY to shield myself and keep myself from accepting the blame. I internalize his crap - full codependency. I am actually afraid he will leave me. But then I get logical and think, dude, you wanna go, then go.


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#373715 - 10/29/11 02:14 PM Re: The last stand *triggers* [Re: Esposa]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
The original post on this thread was the last time I saw my ex. He told me how much he appreciated me leaving him that day so that he could be alone. A few weeks later, he was blaming me (not for what happened that day, but find things I was doing wrong to focus on) and painting me black. In my head I know it's not personal, but it is really hard when this happens...when you get turned on.


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#373716 - 10/29/11 02:17 PM Re: The last stand *triggers* [Re: hopeandtry]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I wonder if there is any turning back once you get turned on. Thus the other post I started - once you become the enemy, is there ever a chance of it changing?


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