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#373520 - 10/27/11 12:42 PM SURVIVORS: Sex Question
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
After you revealed the abuse to your spouse/SO, did you stop wanting to have sex?


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#373523 - 10/27/11 02:37 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Funny you should ask. Yes, my desire has decreased MARKEDLY in spite of the fact that I am a sex addict. Before my disclosure, I wanted sex non-stop. Now I could not care less.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#373524 - 10/27/11 02:56 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
John - why? Do you know why? And how does your wife feel about it?


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#373525 - 10/27/11 03:12 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Ive never been big on sex, even when I was younger.

Sex was always used as a weapon against me, You can have sex if you dont tell, if you do then this will happen, or you will be in trouble or you will this and that, always threats.
Every time I have sex, even today, I feel that someone will want something from me, or they will use this info against me. Even sex with my wife, feels like I am being manipulated. I Haven't had sex with anyone but my wife for twenty years now.
What sustained me for all that time, Porn and self gratification, no emotional involvement there.

So what do I do about sex now that I have no more porn? When the pressure builds and I start dreaming about it, I will charm my wife and enjoy myself, and then it is over.
I guess I feel in control then. It is on my terms and my time.

Sad what these bastards have done to us. Hope this answers a few questions.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#373530 - 10/27/11 03:57 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I always have thought that my husband was hypersexualized... like it was the most important thing to him - I guess that's why I am confused right now. What is the change all of a sudden since revealing the abuse to me? He says he feels pressured... but by who?


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#373532 - 10/27/11 03:59 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
This happened to me, too. I thought he was hypersexual but then we split recently because sex freaked him out. It's both things, really. He probably feels pressured by HIMSELF...wants to be able to perform but sex makes him feel bad. It's heartbreaking to watch...it caused my ex and me to split in the end.


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#373535 - 10/27/11 04:10 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: hopeandtry]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
How long were you together?


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#373537 - 10/27/11 04:12 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Off and on for three years.


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#373541 - 10/27/11 04:32 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: hopeandtry]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Why, I'm not sure; maybe because I know that now she knows that I'm damaged goods, or weak. Not really sure.

I asked her once, maybe a few months ago, if she would miss sex if we were never intimate again. To my surprise, she said yes, she would miss it. For most of our marriage I perceived her as having little interest if any in sex. But I think my perception, when it comes to sex, is very defective from the abuse.

I will say that since I disclosed to her, and since I've been "diagnosed" as a sex addict, I feel very much like I have developed performance anxiety. I'm not sure how long it has been since we've been intimate, but I would guess maybe around 4-6 months.

Of course, on top of all this, I turned 50 recently, and have also been diagnosed with an enlarged prostate. I would guess this plays into the mix, too.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top
#373546 - 10/27/11 04:59 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I wish I could look into his brain. God knows, he lets nothing out.


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#373572 - 10/27/11 11:22 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Very enlightening Fissy and Martin. Thank you.

And as for looking into his brain, I once had an alanon friend say "No you don't want to go there (his head). It is like going into a very bad neighborhood.....

Funny but probably true. At least in my husband's case, it is very scary in there.


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#373589 - 10/28/11 07:59 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: lucylives]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
My husband was very hypersexual before and would get incredibly moody if he didn't "get it". I would have sex just so he would be nice again. He was good and it and most times I enjoyed it so it was our little joke. Not so funny now. I just thought that was the way men were. My mom did tell me to have sex with my husband because he needed it more than I did, and if I didn't someone else would. Oh Thanks Mom.

So it's hard to switch gears. Even though I know his desire before was unhealthy at times, it is hard to wrap your brain around him not wanting sex, and Eposa maybe what you are saying is he doesn't want you. Sex and you are two different things.

Regardless it is hard and its just one more thing you thought you knew that you don't:(


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#373592 - 10/28/11 08:19 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
It is hard not to feel like he doesn't want me. I have no idea what just happened. I have no idea what he is thinking, what he is doing, what he is feeling. So I just feel rejected.

But I also get that perhaps our 17 year sex life might have been borderline unhealthy - well, obviously if this stuff has been unresolved in his head. So confused....


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#373595 - 10/28/11 08:31 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
To answer the first question, Yes, for quite some time desire disappeared.

It had nothing to do with my wife. It had everything to do with feeling horribly dirty and being overwhelmed with shame.

During that time, I was utterly relieved to have absolutely no desire. Sex is triggering for a victim of sexual abuse. Even now there are times where something will trigger me and the resulting wave of fear and anxiety that hits me can easily derail any sexual activity. Many times literally I have to spend time just laying near my wife, being close and nothing more, until the angst in my heart and soul passes.

For the victim of sexual abuse, sex brings fear, anxiety, shame, and the biggest one of all... vulnerability, which is a feeling that triggers even more hard and difficult feelings.

It's a mess and sadly, it's something your husbands have to work through on their own. Sadly I find most men would rather put on blinders and try to ignore it or live in denial than actually do the hard work of digging into it. Can't say I blame them, it is so horribly and utterly painful work. If your husbands can get through it though, then man you will have on the other side of it all will be stronger than most other men you'll ever meet.


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#373597 - 10/28/11 08:40 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 591
Loc: VA
No, disclosing to my wife didn't affect my desire for sex.

Now, HAVING KIDS really clobbers the libido ;^} but I suspect that's part of nature's plan.


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#373598 - 10/28/11 08:49 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: unhappycamper]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Unhappycampter you just cracked me up! Isn't that the truth laugh


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#373599 - 10/28/11 08:49 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: unhappycamper]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Thank you survivors for answering. I have another question then which I will post as a new thread.


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#373620 - 10/28/11 01:02 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Esposa, thanks for starting this thread. My wife and I have had so much going on the last two months (a family illness and death, then the aftermath including taking over an elderly loved one's care). You helped me realize that I really haven't been paying any attention to my wife lately.

Last night, while working on my daughter's car, my wife came into the garage and mentioned that she wanted to go out for the evening with a friend she has also been too busy to see. I mentioned that I thought it would be nice if we went together with her friend and her husband, who is probably the closest thing I have to a male friend. She didn't think he'd want to go out, so I let it go, and told her to go and have a good time.

She got home around 10. Our 14 year old was in the shower, and our 7 year old was already asleep. I mentioned that it had been a really long time since we'd (been intimate), and she said she'd been thinking about that, too. By the time I finished dishes and got the 14 year old to bed, it was 11, and we were both pretty tired.

Anyway, though there was nothing sexual, I snuggled up close to her and held her hand, and we went to sleep. It was just really nice. Thanks for the reminder. Guys (especially survivors) need reminders.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top
#373628 - 10/28/11 02:14 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I wonder if the sexual relationship we have had in the past year or so was so intense because in a way he was acting out on me. Is that possible?


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#373630 - 10/28/11 02:19 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
I have wondered that myself....


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#373660 - 10/28/11 09:29 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: lucylives]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I find sex to be the trickiest thing for ME to address. He told me about the porn addiction first. I was afraid that things that we do sexually were going to make him think of porn when he wanted to be free of porn, but to stop having sex didn't seem like a reasonable solution (and we didn't). When he told me about the sex abuse, I was really petrified. I let him take the lead. Nothing changed for us sexually (that I could tell). When I found out about the affairs. Everything changed for ME. Sex triggers ME. I can't have sex with this man that I LOVED having sex with, without the 4 women that I know about in bed (and in my head!) with us. I will say this, we never stopped having sex though. It makes me believe that if he is triggered by it, I would never know unless he wanted me to because I (who is not experienced in disassociating and deception) am doing it and most of the time he doesn't know I am wondering if he did this with her (or her, or her, or her).

I maintain that sex addictions and food addictions have to be the worst addictions. You can't live without eating--you can live without sex but most people are hard-wired to want it at least occasionally.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#373669 - 10/28/11 11:02 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
For some reason, I have been able to let go of the affair. I have no idea why but it doesn't really even cross my mind anymore (been 5 months). It is just so absolutely ridiculous to me - and our therapist was quick to point out that affairs hurt everyone, but they hurt the person who has the affair the most - he called it self-castration. And for some reason, I have been able to use that to realize that it is not about me in any way shape or form.


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#373695 - 10/29/11 09:37 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I wondered if he acted out on me as well.


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#373729 - 10/29/11 09:01 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Justscott wrote....Sex is triggering for a sex abuse survivor...

My question is is that ALWAYS true for all survivors and that is why the sexual issues and dysfunction? Is shame ALWAYS involved with sex for them and thus the dysfunction and lack of interest????

Are there any "always" with survivors? There seems to be so many parallels with the spouses/significant others? Is there anything/actons/dysfunction you can "always" know is tru3e of survivors?

I hope this mkes sense?


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#373732 - 10/29/11 09:37 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: lucylives]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 591
Loc: VA
The only "shame" issue I have with sex is that, at age 59, things ain't quite as reliable as they were in my younger days. (BTW, been married 28 years & have two 20-something kids). For me, the CSA "shame game" doesn't have to do with sex per se, it's more a general mood of contamination or damage, unreality or (for lack of a better term) unworthiness, that hits once in a while.

John


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#373733 - 10/29/11 10:01 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: unhappycamper]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Thanks unhappy cmper. did you ever have issues with sex with your wife?


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#373734 - 10/29/11 10:02 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Hope that isn't too personal, unhappy......


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#373862 - 10/31/11 09:29 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
1227ms Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/10
Posts: 98
Loc: PA
Esposa,
I don't know if this helps but here is my perspective.
Prior to starting my healing and disclosing my abuse I always equated sex with love and acceptance. I have learned that it was because during my childhood that is what I learned. Sex equals love and caring. Now I view sex differently. Sex should be something healthy and fun which is an enhancement of a loving relationship. Now I can choose to have sex if I feel a closeness, caring and desire. I don't have to. It took me almost a tear after I started my healing to get to this place. Please don't try and project where I am on your partner because we all are on a different journey on different schedules. I just wanted to offer my perspective. If you have questions feel free to ask.

_________________________
ďEverything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.Ē
Hermann Hesse

Hope Springs alumnus 2011

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