Very enlightening Fissy and Martin. Thank you.

And as for looking into his brain, I once had an alanon friend say "No you don't want to go there (his head). It is like going into a very bad neighborhood.....

Funny but probably true. At least in my husband's case, it is very scary in there.

My husband was very hypersexual before and would get incredibly moody if he didn't "get it". I would have sex just so he would be nice again. He was good and it and most times I enjoyed it so it was our little joke. Not so funny now. I just thought that was the way men were. My mom did tell me to have sex with my husband because he needed it more than I did, and if I didn't someone else would. Oh Thanks Mom.

So it's hard to switch gears. Even though I know his desire before was unhealthy at times, it is hard to wrap your brain around him not wanting sex, and Eposa maybe what you are saying is he doesn't want you. Sex and you are two different things.

Regardless it is hard and its just one more thing you thought you knew that you don't:(

It is hard not to feel like he doesn't want me. I have no idea what just happened. I have no idea what he is thinking, what he is doing, what he is feeling. So I just feel rejected.

But I also get that perhaps our 17 year sex life might have been borderline unhealthy - well, obviously if this stuff has been unresolved in his head. So confused....

To answer the first question, Yes, for quite some time desire disappeared.

It had nothing to do with my wife. It had everything to do with feeling horribly dirty and being overwhelmed with shame.

During that time, I was utterly relieved to have absolutely no desire. Sex is triggering for a victim of sexual abuse. Even now there are times where something will trigger me and the resulting wave of fear and anxiety that hits me can easily derail any sexual activity. Many times literally I have to spend time just laying near my wife, being close and nothing more, until the angst in my heart and soul passes.

For the victim of sexual abuse, sex brings fear, anxiety, shame, and the biggest one of all... vulnerability, which is a feeling that triggers even more hard and difficult feelings.

It's a mess and sadly, it's something your husbands have to work through on their own. Sadly I find most men would rather put on blinders and try to ignore it or live in denial than actually do the hard work of digging into it. Can't say I blame them, it is so horribly and utterly painful work. If your husbands can get through it though, then man you will have on the other side of it all will be stronger than most other men you'll ever meet.

No, disclosing to my wife didn't affect my desire for sex.

Now, HAVING KIDS really clobbers the libido ;^} but I suspect that's part of nature's plan.

Unhappycampter you just cracked me up! Isn't that the truth

Thank you survivors for answering. I have another question then which I will post as a new thread.

Esposa, thanks for starting this thread. My wife and I have had so much going on the last two months (a family illness and death, then the aftermath including taking over an elderly loved one's care). You helped me realize that I really haven't been paying any attention to my wife lately.

Last night, while working on my daughter's car, my wife came into the garage and mentioned that she wanted to go out for the evening with a friend she has also been too busy to see. I mentioned that I thought it would be nice if we went together with her friend and her husband, who is probably the closest thing I have to a male friend. She didn't think he'd want to go out, so I let it go, and told her to go and have a good time.

She got home around 10. Our 14 year old was in the shower, and our 7 year old was already asleep. I mentioned that it had been a really long time since we'd (been intimate), and she said she'd been thinking about that, too. By the time I finished dishes and got the 14 year old to bed, it was 11, and we were both pretty tired.

Anyway, though there was nothing sexual, I snuggled up close to her and held her hand, and we went to sleep. It was just really nice. Thanks for the reminder. Guys (especially survivors) need reminders.

Peace,

John

I wonder if the sexual relationship we have had in the past year or so was so intense because in a way he was acting out on me. Is that possible?

I have wondered that myself....