Thinking about things again. Very dangerous for me.
When I was abused as a child, the first attempts and experiences, while confusing and scary, were always couched in "love" and affection. I was so starved for that, I was willing to go along with whatever he wanted me to do. Why, then, did the @$$hole feel the NEED to get violent? Why did he feel the need to control me thru fear? Did he think I'd tell on him after going along with him and believing his lies? (After, of course, I went along with him for "love"?)
And why, when I sought out an adult experience, did HE feel the need to rape me? I was there willingly. I was doing what HE wanted me to do. Why did he rape me? Why did they feel the need to hurt me?
I've asked my therapist this many times, and the answers are always correct, but seldom satisfying. I just feel, I don't know, that it was unnecessary, since I was an idiot and believed them in the first place. Terrorizing me and hurting me, well, it wasn't necessary.
Why? I'll never know, and that's what hurts me today.