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#37345 - 03/14/04 04:14 PM Why did he get violent? (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Thinking about things again. Very dangerous for me.

When I was abused as a child, the first attempts and experiences, while confusing and scary, were always couched in "love" and affection. I was so starved for that, I was willing to go along with whatever he wanted me to do. Why, then, did the @$$hole feel the NEED to get violent? Why did he feel the need to control me thru fear? Did he think I'd tell on him after going along with him and believing his lies? (After, of course, I went along with him for "love"?)

And why, when I sought out an adult experience, did HE feel the need to rape me? I was there willingly. I was doing what HE wanted me to do. Why did he rape me? Why did they feel the need to hurt me?

I've asked my therapist this many times, and the answers are always correct, but seldom satisfying. I just feel, I don't know, that it was unnecessary, since I was an idiot and believed them in the first place. Terrorizing me and hurting me, well, it wasn't necessary.

Why? I'll never know, and that's what hurts me today. \:\(

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#37346 - 03/14/04 05:56 PM Re: Why did he get violent? (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)
coolcat Offline
Member

Registered: 02/23/04
Posts: 109
Loc: Winnipeg MB Canada
I feel your hurt.I also was looking for "love" as a child whichI never got, all I got was hurt and continue to get hurt to this. Hang in there we will overcome I hope.
Gus

_________________________
Take it easy, Don't that the sounds of your own wheels drive you crazy....
Gus

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#37347 - 03/15/04 02:38 PM Re: Why did he get violent? (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
i'm so sorry. i guess in the end, we'll never really know what they thought. i'll never know why i was left alone so much. i'll never know why they have treated me different my whole life. i can never get in thier heads, and i will never understand how their mind worked. you'll likely never know why for sure. you can suppose it was a power thing. he got violent because he could, because it turned him on. you will never know for sure. i hope you find someway to make peace with it. take care of yourself for me.

jeff

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#37348 - 03/16/04 04:49 AM Re: Why did he get violent? (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)
parttimecop Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/04
Posts: 139
They say it is about power and fantasy. Who knows that may be right. What I do know is that some people are just evil fuckbags. And a rational decent person will not understand evil. I do not think it is possible for a non evil person to understand evil and its motivations.

It may have just been something he just felt like doing. Criminals have low impulse control. The thoughts and feelings may have just occurred to him so he did it.

Like I say some people are just evil worthless fuckbags. They are vastly out numbered by good people. But the evil fucks can do vast amounts of damage to good people and to children.


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#37349 - 03/16/04 03:31 PM Re: Why did he get violent? (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)
Brayton_dup1 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/09/04
Posts: 30
Scot,

Why did he feel the need to do any of it to you?

You may see yourself as having been willing but I doubt he saw it that way. I suspect that he very well knew that what he was getting he was getting through deception and coercion. The violence was another part of that.

These were evil acts by a man who had no boundaries. You had no control over what he did. What you think of as your willingness had no real impact on him I think.

As I remember it, what I remember of it, I was pretty passive, too. They still hurt me and I don't think that I will ever really understand any of it.

A psychologist might understand it in general terms but I will, I think, never comprehend what happened to me at all.

Brett


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#37350 - 03/16/04 04:32 PM Re: Why did he get violent? (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)
breakinfree Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/05/04
Posts: 28
Loc: MA
Scot, my friend

I am sorry for your pain, I feel it too. I know it too. There can never be an answer that will satisfy all that aches us, they were selfish animals. There can never be justification for their unbelievable actions. We need to try to remember this was nothing of what we were looking for, we sought love, trust, we wanted to be cared about. We got nothing of the sort. You feelings are just and you are entitled to each and everyone of them.. I am listening/ we all are...
Chris

_________________________
"I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches."

Alice Lee Longworth

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#37351 - 03/19/04 04:32 AM Re: Why did he get violent? (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
\:\( Scot

I am so sorry. I wish I have answers for you. But I can relate, some, to what you are saying. I don't know why my father was so violent. I do not know why my coach was so violent with me. And I even know from Andrei that he was different with him (in too many ways, and not a good thing, but he personally was not violent to him). I do not know what makes those things happen, or how they happen. I do not know you will ever find answers to that. I hope somehow you find peace though.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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