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#373511 - 10/27/11 11:27 AM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
Martin - my therapist had me make a list of 20 things that make me feel loved - it was really a hard process with tons of introspection. Then I shared this with my husband. They are easy things and he keeps the list in his drawer. Just the act of responding to the list makes me feel loved.

Also, on the boundaries topic from my therapy last night - we discussed passive agressive reluctance to "perform" as desired by the spouse. I guess survivors struggle with boundaries and then build resentment (albeit sometimes quiet) toward anyone who makes demands, or has needs that are interpreted as a demand by the amigdala. This is something you can work on in you - think to yourself she needs me, wants me because I have value to her - instead of thinking, she thinks I am a failure because I don't meet her needs.


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#373522 - 10/27/11 02:18 PM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Your Husband is a lucky man Esposa I hope he knows that.

You insight and care make me cry. Thanks for the help

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#373528 - 10/27/11 03:52 PM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: whome]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Martin, I agree with another poster that your wife may not understand your time here. (P.S. I hope in my first comment on this thread you understood that I was congratulating you for being here on MS and doing recovery work.) I disagree with the other poster's wife that people are here just making excuses. Sure, that CAN happen and probably does sometimes, but "cheating" or "adultery" is not always "acting out." Sometimes cheating is just selfishness or arrogance. Acting out is different...sure, it's still selfish, but there is a reason behind it besides just being an asshole. Anyway, my point being, maybe you can help your wife see how much MS helps you. I think that my ex probably got frustrated at times because I often saw what he was NOT doing, but forgot to notice what he WAS doing to get better or be a good friend, lover, whatever. Help your wife see what you ARE doing...maybe write what MS or recovery feels like. Also, still make it clear that you are making time for her (Not saying you aren't doing this, just throwing my two cents in there). And most of all, do not let your past bad actions make you think that you have to "pay for it" for the rest of your life. I know at times I've done that to my ex. Then again, he wasn't getting help, either, so it was hard to know how sincere he was about stopping the harmful behavior. Just remember that you are not always wrong just because you did something very hurtful in the past. That's bullshit, and I hope you quit beating yourself up about who you are.


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#373565 - 10/27/11 09:25 PM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: hopeandtry]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Amygdala:
Very intersting? I didn't know what amygdala was but I thought I would share...Eldee I am sure you knew since you read a text book on this stuff smile

The amygdala is an almond shaped mass of nuclei located deep within the temporal lobe of the brain. It is a limbic system structure that is involved in many of our emotions and motivations, particularly those that are related to survival. The amygdala is involved in the processing of emotions such as fear, anger and pleasure. The amygdala is also responsible for determining what memories are stored and where the memories are stored in the brain. It is thought that this determination is based on how huge an emotional response an event invokes.


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#373566 - 10/27/11 09:43 PM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
Nice! Yes, the amygdala apparently fires the first responder thought....the one we are trained to have. IN abuse victims, this is usually fight or flight mixed with all the negative self talk. Grabbing the thought and moving it to the frontal lobe, where we can analyze and process it and even twist it to be closer to the truth is the whole trick to the line "don't believe everything you think"


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#373568 - 10/27/11 11:05 PM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: whome]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
My God! Isn't it funny when you click on a topic and it is just what you needed? My husban and I struggle with all of the exact same stuff.

You know, Martin, before the "discovery" of all this, I really wasn't that "needy" of a person but now, oh boy, let me tell you. I am needy. I need attention. I know his actig out isn't about me but you really can never hurt a person to the core of their being as much as through this. I think survivors understand being hurt and wounded to the core of their being so why do the sameto us? Ok, I think like that sometimes but the truth is, none of this is personal but boy, does it feel that way. If you want to destroy a woman, acting out is how you do it. Ok, enuff ranting about my own situation.

I think it is great that you are on here all the time and you have given me some fabulous insights but isn't recovery really seen in the relationships with your loved ones? It is really a true indication of surviving when you have balance in your life. Make time for your wife. That is where I think you will really know recovery and if you truly are healing.

On a childish note, I hope you don't piss you off, and I am sure you will all think I sound like a spoiled 5 year old BUT after all I hve been through I deserve the absolute BEST from my husband NOW!!. Not tomorrow and not next week but NOW. I have had the worse part of him for years,unbeknownst to me. Now it is my time to have the best of him. I don't expect perfection, there is such beauty in the "flaws" (for lack of a better word) of a person. My favorite part of a movie is in As Good as it Gets where she tells him how attractive he is when he shows his soft underbelly and vulnerabilities. I am curious as to what the other wives feel about tht. I want to see the human side of my husband, fears, vulnerabilities, insecurities all of it. As for you survivors, you don't have to put on a front for us. At least for me, when my husband does show me his vulnerable side, I think of him as so strong. Unfortunately it is a very rare thing. When he tries to act all tuff and together, I know he is full of shit and I look at him as weak. It takes stregnth and courage to show your vulnerable side. I feel you are great at being open and honest and vulnerable on this site, but do you do that with your wife?

You say this is a place where you have a connection with othr survivors and b open and honest. are you open and honst with your wife? Correct me if I am wrong, wives, but we want to see your human side. We want to know you. At least for me, I feel lik my husband is a strangr now that I know of all his activities/acting out. I want to know him now, warts and all. I think it is a safety thing for me as I feel so unsafe wih him. I want to feel like he is invested in the relationship.


As for the sex stuff, isn't it shocking how so many of us seem to be in the same boat though my husband doesn't tell me what shit goes on in his head but I have a pretty good idea they are about the abuse. And you know what? I can accept that is a strugle for him but what i can't accept is him "rejecting" me without telling me the truth about what is happening wth him and letting me think it is me.

Does your wife want sex? If she does and you aren't interested and don't tell her the truth, let me tell you the woman is in a tremendous amount of pain.

I hav so many thoughts in my head, I hope I make sense and i hope I haven't offended you, Martin. You may not be the perfect husband but by being on here and working on recovery, you ar showing yourself to be a better husband than most. Of course, you may want to include your wife. It is very lonely living with a survivor.


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#373569 - 10/27/11 11:06 PM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: Gretta]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Gretta,

I wish we could have lunch together. You and I have so much in common. Our stories seem to run parallel.


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#373570 - 10/27/11 11:16 PM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: lucylives]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Here, here, Lucy lives!

I would like to see the human side of my friend! He's always got a front up. He always presents a happy face, but when he tells me the truth about what might be eating at him (work, this crap, whatever), I feel so much better, because I'm getting to know the real him. I really want to know him, so that is so much better!

D.

_________________________
Female.

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#373571 - 10/27/11 11:16 PM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: newground]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
New ground, to quote you.....

I think that once your wife is able to see the real you the boy who is still needy and wounded once she is able to touch that part of you then intimacy will be no problem you will have gained a great strength and the feelings that you have put away will find a safe place to return.and with that the sexual things will return as well.

Wow! Tht so is how I feel. I want toknow my husband. I want to know that wounded litte boy. I want to feel like he needs me. Yes, I sound like a codependent idiot but lets face it, the acting out did nothing to make me feel like I am valued, wanted or needed. Now I want that , and hopefully it can happen in a healthy, not totally emmeshed way. Did I mention I want it NOW! cry I am tired of trying to have patience. I am crabby tonite...........


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#373573 - 10/27/11 11:23 PM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: lucylives]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Lucy Lives you articulated my thoughts PERFECTLY!

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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