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#373475 - 10/27/11 02:05 AM Am I the worst husband
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I post this in F&F because I cant understand women.
I have been in recovery for my CSA since May this year. before that I have been in AA and have been to years of therapy. I need to be careful not to paint myself as a saint, because I think I am doing well. BUT.

My wife tells me that I am distant, not present, removed. I am home but I am not. I go out one night a week, and that's to AA.

I spend a lot of time on MS because it is my only connection to other survivors, with whom I can be honest and open. I am also busy setting up Matrix Men a support group for male survivors. I also council a couple of survivors that are in AA with me.

She feels that I am doing this to avoid facing my own demons, I claim that I am doing this to heal.
I understand that I have put her through hell, and probably back, with my acting out and all the addictions, and I am determined to make it up to her.

I don't know why I am writing this, I posted a quote that says " people only ask for advice, when they know the answers, but don't want to face it" I suppose that this is what I am doing..
How Do get mentally involved, how do I develop emotions that I never had, how do I feel, How do I fit back into a society that I never was a part of, one that I had to drink to be interesting in.
How do I suddenly learn to feel, care.??? I can manage short bursts of involvement, but I still don't like talking about my emotions and feelings, it hurts.

Sex is also a problem for me, I cant get over the fact that for so long sex was a weapon used to control me.
I find my wife sexy, she is visually appealing, and I see other men looking at her but with out the fantasies that I used to get me through the abuse, I cant perform.
I truly love my wife,(If I understand what love is) but she feels that I don't because of all this behavior. Ive tried to explain how I feel, but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

I can dispense advice, see and understand how people feel and what they are going through, but I cant seem to do it for myself.
Remember that in my country, help from a professional therapist is a 1000 miles away, all other therapists don't know how to treat male survivors.

So I humbly bow my head and ask the people on this forum for advice. I don't want anyone to tell me that she is wrong, because she isn't. It is me.

Help me to save my marriage, perhaps hearing it form you will help it to sink into my thick skull.

Thanks all
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#373481 - 10/27/11 04:23 AM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: whome]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 643
Loc: michigan
hi martin.
I have been there. one of the things that drove me to become a part here was the realization that over many years I have built a facade a picture of myself as a healed and whole individual because it is so much easier to look at myself that way. I guess know one wants to be broken. and helping others is a very powerful affirmation to us so it is easy to hide our brokenness in order to feed on the positive feelings.
problem is we stay broken forever and is just becomes more and more difficult to admit it because you risk loosing all the affirmation and praise I had to drop it and become honest I didn't use to feel these ways I do feel this way or that way and thankfully this is a place to do that safely.
I think that once your wife is able to see the real you the boy who is still needy and wounded once she is able to touch that part of you then intimacy will be no problem you will have gained a great strength and the feelings that you have put away will find a safe place to return.and with that the sexual things will return as well.

_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#373488 - 10/27/11 07:58 AM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: newground]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Dear Martin,

Let me start by saying with or without CSA marriage is difficult, at least that is my opinion. It is work and I believe most people bring some sort of baggage into their marriage. I would be hard stretched to find a marriage that doesn't have a diagnosis of some sort.

You and your wife are only new to recovery and this is a long journey that doesn't get better right away even with therapy so having to do without is an obstacle. I think the site and your men's group are positive forces in your life.

I am only new to all of this as of January and I can tell you my husband and I are working really hard. The problem is that it's hard and I am frustrated and I am hurt and well angry (there is that word again) and did I mention exhausted! Maybe your wife is angry and you are tired. That's not a good combo. If she is not feeling your love then she's probably wondering why she should stay? Love can be expressed in words but actions are always better and more believable.

I read your posts here and I can tell how much you love her and appreciate her support so it's not that you aren't capable of expressing it, you are! When I read your posts I feel your determination, so find a way to express it to her.

My husband would say how much he loved me but words are hard to believe because he cheated on me with 20+ prostitutes, hum? That doesn't feel like love? My head knows why he did it, my heart is still broken.

As for sex my biggest fear is just what you said. He hasn't admitted it to me but I am a smart girl. I have faith that someday those horrible memories and fantasies will go away. There are healthy fantasies so maybe you can create a new sexy one with your wife. I think newground is right as you heal they will go away. At least I hope.

Good Luck!



Edited by Gretta (10/27/11 10:04 AM)

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#373496 - 10/27/11 08:49 AM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Oh by the way I don't think you are the worst husband, maybe not always a good one but then again who's perfect?


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#373497 - 10/27/11 09:16 AM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: Gretta]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
You aren't the worst husband. You know what? I am jealous of all the women who have a man who is even attempting recovery. That's what I never got. I know it's hard but I would have been willing to stand by my ex (as long as possible anyway) if he was trying to heal.

Is your wife involved with SANON or something similar? It really helps me to focus on ME and not HIM. I agree that love must be expressed through actions, but I guess to me, it would have shown love if my ex had gotten help so that we could try to work things out. That's a huge statement of love to me. That being said, I know she has been really hurt and probably like most of us, is suspicious and doesn't feel "secure in your love" (that's what I had told my ex once).

Hang in there.


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#373499 - 10/27/11 09:38 AM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: hopeandtry]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Martin,

While a therapist may be 1,000 miles away, I suspect you have mail. I have bought many books on Amazon.com about CSA, specifically multiple personalities or DID. They've been quite the eyeopener.

Give some books a try.

D.

_________________________
Female.

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#373500 - 10/27/11 10:19 AM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: Disappointed]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, Martin.

One particular point you made in your post resonates with me: your wife's lack of, I don't know, "understanding" of your time on MS. Like you, effective help is many miles away from me, so MS is my only real connection with other survivors, who have at least some understanding of what I've been through. My wife has said that she thinks it is unhealthy for me to spend as much time here as I do, but I feel so isolated when I don't come here. Part of the problem, if I read my wife correctly, is she feels we "sugar-coat" things for each other. For example, the term "acting out" is used here frequently; my wife thinks we should refer to it as "cheating" or "adultery." I think she thinks of MS as being more like a club where we all gather to bitch and moan, and make excuses for ourselves and each other, while I view it as a source of healing. We just need to try to be understanding of our wives, and the crappy way we've treated them at times.

You can't always be the worst husband, because some days I hold that title! Heal well.

Peace,

John



Edited by Fissy Tsickens (10/27/11 10:21 AM)
_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#373506 - 10/27/11 11:05 AM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Oh Martin, I know this is hard, but it can be done. From your de>
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#373508 - 10/27/11 11:12 AM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: Disappointed]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Newground, Hope, Gretta, D., and John.

Thanks all for responding.
John like you I feel at home here amongst people I can understand who can understand me. This is my place of healing, the place where I can see what a messed up individual I actually am.
It is also where I can get some form of validation, at least here I can be helpful.

D. I do a lot of reading, Ken Singer, Mike Lew's books, opening the door, (a therapists guide) Codependent no more, After Codependency, to name but a few.
There are also tons of websites that I read and study, ACSA, AMSOSA, Nextstep, to name a few, so If there a few books I have missed let me know.
Hope, You are right, she has been hurt a lot, If the roles were reversed I would probably have taken of years ago. She heads up a group called tough love here in S.A. They help loved ones get tough on their addicted children or spouses. She is also a master at the Codependents program. (I'm sure that you have heard me talk about this a few times.) LOL

Newground, I think you are onto something there, I have an image of what I think I am and that suffices for me. I need to get real with myself again, and realize that I am a broken work in progress. I wish I could see that real little boy that is lost to me.

Gretta, Thanks for your kind words, I know sometimes I wonder why I didn't cheat on her for all the trouble I am in, but hey, it wouldn't help because I don't really want sex.
I am truly sorry for your pain though, I am sorry that any of us have to go through this.
Thanks all for your responses.

Any ideas on how to DEMONSTRATE my love to her??? Ideas are most welcome

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#373510 - 10/27/11 11:25 AM Re: Am I the worst husband [Re: GoodHope]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Eldee
I like your TMI's they make me smile but also think.
My problem is that if I don't use the fantasies, and these involve images of naked woman in my mind, I lose my libido, which isn't that great to start with. If I do get aroused and don't use 'The girls' then i can carry on like a camel for days.

I think that I will need to make a time for MS and not while she is here, and I will need to get into her head and find common ground.
My problem is that I am very competitive, and if I do take on something, then I have to be the best at it. She then gets upset because she feels I am trying to make her look bad.
I like food she doesn't, She like to smoke I hate it. She is so disciplined and plans everything, whereas I am spontaneous and spur of the moment. There have been so many times where I have said lets do X and she says I haven't planned for that. I mean we are sitting doing nothing, whats to plan??
I moan, Sorry.

Thanks for your response, I will go through the ideas.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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