I'm currently waiting for results from a polygraph my H took yesterday. He is a survivor AND a sex addict. Just recently he disclosed his behavior over the last 23 years. Everything from porn, strip clubs, affairs, strippers to prostitutes. During the early part of our marriage he was completely out of control. His disclosures happened over the last 7 weeks. I told him over and over that I need everything. Stop dragging this out. It was more and more painful to hear it a little at a time. I have PTSD. I've been victimized again and again. During his disclosure I found out about the CSA. I feel like his perpetrator has been running our lives for 30+ years. But my H still holds the true responsibility for this. HE CHOSE to act out.
So many men on this site do not/did not behave the way he did. Blaming CSA is a cop-out. He even lied about having anal sex and said to me in an angry voice "I WOULD NEVER HAVE ANAL SEX!! MY ABUSER RAPED ME! ANAL SEX IS THE LAST THING I WOULD EVER DO!"
I felt awful! Like a monster!.
Turns out he was lying. The fact that he would use his CSA as an excuse or leverage against me is horrible.! Shows the level of his sickness.
I'm crazy angry today because I got my test results back for the STI he gave me, HPV (Genital Warts). is low risk. So for now I'm in the clear for Cervical Cancer.
I'm crazy angry because it was even necessary for me to be tested! I have never lived my life that way. He brought these STDs and STIs into our home. He had a genital wart in his mouth which he had removed. Mine are on my vaginal area. the opening and outside. A VERY sensitive area. I will eventually have a plastic surgeon remove them (they can return!) but until then, I bear the physical reminder of his many infidelities. HE says he feels bad etc. SO WHAT! His word means crap. I'm ruined, I feel ruined, he has treated me like a piece of garbage. Now I'm beginning to feel like a piece of diseased garbage.
I've always had a pretty high opinion of myself. I'm a spiritual person, kind, beautiful on the inside and out. I'm good to people and expect the same in return. I'm a good wife and mother.
I can't stop asking myself the question, "Why???"
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...
Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/
I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.