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#373334 - 10/25/11 01:44 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: indygal]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Indygal,

From everything that I've heard or read, it isn't unusual at all for people abused in any way to "dis-own" family and friends. While I didn't leave my family, I went for years without seeing my two best friends I had when I was growing up. Since I've started therapy, I've started seeing them again as suggested by my therapist. They acted as if nothing at all happened. The very best thing they could do.

When I told members of my family about being abused, every one of them said they weren't surprised at all. They "knew" something wasn't right with me.

When I asked them why they didnt say anything, they said that if I didn't want to talk about whatever it was, they wouldn't bring it up (By the way, I think that what they did was correct). They often talked about it on the phone from what they told me and unbnownst to me were keeping a bit of an eye on me to make sure I was OK.

Hope this helps. Again good luck to you and ALL your family

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#373343 - 10/25/11 05:16 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: Sailor John]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Sailor John,

your post has brought tears to my eyes, I'm so sorry for your pain that you have experienced and the lonliness I know you've also experienced.

I'm glad to know you are here, and working towards healing, but I wish it didn't have to be that way...

thank you for sharing.

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#373349 - 10/25/11 07:11 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: indygal]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Indy Gal.

Thanks for your concern. It is greatly appreciated.

Just remember that while your son has initiated contact with your family, you will have to do everything to his timeing. It will not be easy; you will probably cry sometimes over how long it seems to you. If you want, you may consider having a chat with other family members that he's contacted initially and talk to them to see if he has made any contact with them.

He is now probably starting to plan out how he will get ready to approach and receive treatment for his problem. He will be scared beyond being scared and dealing with emotional problems such as shame, embarrasment, guilt and fear going to meet his therapist. All normal stuff.

If you are unsure of how to handle something, consider going to a mental health specialist in CSA and ask him/her how to proceed unless you find out it is some kind of other problem; then use a specialist in that field.

If you do anything at all that he perceives as potentially harmful to him, he may go back int his shell. You have to be very careful here as it could be almost anything that will act as a trigger to him. DO NOT PUSH HIM. LET HIM DECIDE WHAT TO DO ON HIS OWN TIMELINE.

Keep supporting him and act as a shoulder for him to cry on and remember within reason let him make the rules for this process. Again, I hope that everything goes extremely well for all your family. It will take time and lots of it.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#373355 - 10/25/11 08:07 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: Sailor John]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Indygal,
Iím sorry that you and your son are not in best relationship but I do hope that both of you will find way to each other. It is much healthier to be close to parent/child than other way.
I have some thoughts related to your case and I will write it; but please bare in mind that Iím trying to give shot into other direction in finding some answer; this is simple guess. So Iíll try to hypothetically find possible explanation of your sonís behavior but excluding sexual abuse as cause. This is my vision of one possible explanation of your situation; forgive me if I was totally wrong, in that case consider this as some brain exercise smile.
It is normal for child to fight with parent trying to find his own place under blue sky.
But it is very hard to exclude on purpose someone to whom bond is very strong (bond mother-child). This is something that should have significant root, something that is difficult to ignore or miss. Here for me is difficult to think on possible sexual abuse as source of your sonís behavior; his act was more act of fighting than act of objecting for lack of attention.
When one person (child) tries to exclude other (parent) from his life by cutting relationship with him this could be explained like desperate move. So desperate that child hadnít had any power or other mean to force his way out of particular situation. He was so desperate that couldnít think on any other option in resolving conflict or whatsoever. This was struggle for bare survival.
Doing this your son/child admitted that he was badly hurt; he couldnít fight anymore; his all defense has had crumbled (please try to perceive his boundaries talk in his letter to you like complete lost of his defense) so he needed to completely exclude himself; it was done mainly for hisown protective purposes. By doing this he has also tried to punish you and somehow to bring you in order (this is main message from inferior person to other stronger person/side in this kind of ďfightĒ). Heís lost all other weapons and this was available option. At the same time by cutting bond with you heís hurt himself too. Child is more sensitive than parent by its nature; child needs love and care for wellbeing and consequently child has been more hurt by this action. At the end this acting was destructive for both sides. So destructive that damage is almost irreparable.
What could be source of all this? Please try to answer to yourself how was your childhood, where you happy child, where your parents supportive, loving and carrying? Have you deep connection with both of your parents now? If you had some unresolved issues for long time with one or both of your parents this could be at least part of answer. On other side your sonís first 3 years were most important for his emotional development, and if you had intensive fights with your husband at that time this could give us some more light on complete picture. Usually when mother is endangered by partner she can turn all her attention to child and by this mother can develop overprotective relationship with child. This is surrounding which is not healthy for small child who is developing his emotional capacity. Overprotective parent knows always what is best for his child. This kind of parent has a lot ambitious plans for child and can easily not be aware of real childís needs and feelings. Such relationship can give many scars to child and at the end child is brought to huge pressure and needed to fight his way out; this fight actually might happen many years later and this can lead to separation.
Iíve read book Toxic parents by Susan Forward, please try to find it and read it. This book explains way for child to recover from such parent-child relationship and gives full access to its psychology.
One of advices to children in this book is to write letter to parents. This letter is very special one; it has been written in advance with some preparation (there mustnít be any hurry), in steady, calm and secure atmosphere. That shouldnít be phone call, talk or whatsoever but letter with written words. Its message should be as clear as possible; aim is to avoid possible misunderstandings. In this letter child should tell all those things he/she objects to parents.
Iím not saying that your son has written you letter in this exact way and that you are bad parent. I presume that heís chosen to write you because he wanted to be understood very clearly. For your son this was very important...
Message with boundaries in his letter worries me; by this heís stated that you used to cross his boundaries and he warns you that he wonít take it anymore. Those are heavy scars and if Iím you I would be alarmed here. Please think more on this and try to read his letter again; maybe there are other similar messages?
For both your sake please try to be as supportive as possible. Have you written him letter back? You can send him letter with general supportive attitude, it doesnít have to be long. Give him message that you will try to be as cooperative as possible and that you miss him. Please try to act like that by accepting his terms and conditions in approaching you back. Iím sure that his approach to you is related to recovery of yours relationship; this is healing, try to feel it. Booth of you needs this and deserves it.
I wish you best!
Pero

_________________________
My story

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#373392 - 10/26/11 04:05 AM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: Sailor John]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Sailor John,

thanks again for your advice.

as for the csa specialists - I'm totally on top of it - already checked out some specialists on this site last week but stopped myself and decided not to rush too fast, let things unfold a bit more first. It might take him a while to respond, and I'm certainly very busy as well and intend to think things through as much as possible.

I'll update when I've heard something more. Thank you again.

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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