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#373786 - 10/30/11 03:39 PM Re: Survivors: Inner Child Question [Re: mmfan]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: mmfan
I've found that his child parts need safety, consistency, caring, and firm boundaries. For instance, when he is in 4-year-old boy mode, he is very very sensitive to my tone of voice and does best when I keep my voice quiet, calm and gentle. He also seems more secure and reassured when I set limits on his behavior.

It's my understanding that children 6 and under can form DID personalities most easily, although the military and CIA have worked with forming DID in adults.

I received abuse (csa) starting before I was 4. For kids that young they can (I think this is how it goes) just "imagine" a different alter or personality. It can happen very quickly. It's kind of like having an imaginary friend. Then as they shift into that friend or alter with increasing instances of abuse, the friend becomes an independent alter and progressively becomes more distinct from the original alter.

I think that the gentle firmness idea is a good one. I had a mother with a very strong personality. That in some important ways helped me a great deal. For instance, when abuse started, I started wetting the bed again, although I had gone beyond that developmentally. My mother told me much later that she had a little talk with me about it. Since she was kind of an iron lady, I wonder how that was. But apparently I stopped wetting the bed. She was so successful in that that I still cannot go to sleep at night without getting up to urinate.

Then later, after abuse at 12 she was probably still firm with me. Probably too form for a normal boy. But I wasn't normal anymore. I needed firm boundaries.

I will write more on this later.

Allen aka puffer



But she might have overdone it.


Originally Posted By: mmfan

Even his pre-teen boy who is full of mischief seems to appreciate my telling him (in a caring and calm way) what is ok and what isn't -based on my boundaries, and based on what I believe is healthy and appropriate for a child his "age". I think it gives him a sense of safety that indulging him wouldn't necessarily give.
It used to feel a bit weird being a "parent figure" of sorts but now I realize that its simply part of being close with him, because his child parts are part of him. And I feel honored that he trusts me enough to show those sides.

I guess I would ask whether this game your friend plays is healthy for him at the mental age of 12. In this situation, you are the "adult" between the two of you, though he looks and sounds like a grown man, my guess is it's up to you to set healthy limits. Given his anxiety it sounds like it's having a negative effect on him, and it sounds like you feel uncomfortable and disturbed by it also. Is it possible to have a caring, gentle yet firm talk with him and explain that this game isn't ok and that you need to find something else to do together?



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#373806 - 10/30/11 06:06 PM Re: Survivors: Inner Child Question [Re: pufferfish]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I've asked this in an email to him, and he never responded. He does that. If I ask something he doesn't like, he just ignores the question.

About your Mom, Puffer, that behavior was a sign that should have caused her to ask questions instead of worrying about the bed.

Speaking of which, how's your EMDR going?

_________________________
Female.

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#373820 - 10/30/11 07:53 PM Re: Survivors: Inner Child Question [Re: Disappointed]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1745
I put the pain and hurt to my inner child, buried him and would fight to keep him that way. But life brings new traumas and events and I could no longer hold my child down-buried for over four decades and when he came back my life became out of control. I lost time and began to self abuse and destruct. I was most likely emotionally aloof for a long time prior to this, but I was always in control of who I was. So I am making time to heal with the child, talk and integrate him into my life. I know he is part of me and should not have been pushed to the depths of my mind.



Edited by KMCINVA (10/30/11 08:09 PM)

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#373829 - 10/30/11 09:58 PM Re: Survivors: Inner Child Question [Re: KMCINVA]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Well, as I understand it, creating that alter quite possibly saved your life.

But my question is, is there a reason one alter would want to hurt another alter?

_________________________
Female.

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#373864 - 10/31/11 09:55 AM Re: Survivors: Inner Child Question [Re: Disappointed]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1745
I have only come across the child and myself. From what I understand, the alter with the hurt and pain only knows hurt and pain and sees it as a way of life. The child also seeks control because the abuse was inflicted by someone else and he felt he had no control over the situation. So when the child acts out he seeks abuse--self abuse or destruction (mutilation, drugs, recreation of the abuse etc.) except now he controls the abuse no matter the consequences to the child or the other parts. The child was deprived of love and only received the pain of abuse and hurt.

This is my understanding as to why the inner child acted out in my case and was able to take control. I still grapple with this but the lost time and the non recovered memories seems to support. I am now trying to talk to the child and integrate. For over 4 decades I denied him and kept piling the pain, he was the wound that the poison of abuse spread throughout his being.

I understand others have multiple alters but I have only met the child but the T thinks there may be another wounded alter that hinders me from letting go of the self blame and guilt. He says I need to invite all the parties to the table. I am working on the child and I hope he is the only alter. This gets exhausting.

I do better understand unprocessed trauma and memories now. I hope this helps



Edited by KMCINVA (10/31/11 10:25 AM)

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#373870 - 10/31/11 11:31 AM Re: Survivors: Inner Child Question [Re: KMCINVA]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Yes, and I hope you get some rest along the way.

_________________________
Female.

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#373970 - 11/01/11 11:24 AM Re: Survivors: Inner Child Question [Re: Disappointed]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Disappointed
Well, as I understand it, creating that alter quite possibly saved your life.

But my question is, is there a reason one alter would want to hurt another alter?


The process can go on and on. If someone receives repeated abuse and if they already learned to "split" as as small child as a defense mechanism, then they can develop many alters. There are some who have as many as 108. But that is rare.

Puffer


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#374000 - 11/01/11 04:30 PM Re: Survivors: Inner Child Question [Re: pufferfish]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Puffer,

No, the number isn't what I'm questioning. I mean, let's say you have a front personality, and 2 alters. Alter 1 is let's say a 12 year old boy, and Alter 2 is a 8 year old girl.

Is there some reason Alter 1 would want to inflict emotional upset onto Alter 2? I could be wrong, but I think that's happening with my guy.

_________________________
Female.

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#374024 - 11/01/11 10:33 PM Re: Survivors: Inner Child Question [Re: Disappointed]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Disappointed

Yes, I have definitely read about others having alters who were very hostile to some of the others. Sometimes they "fight". One alter will think he's in control or wants to be in control and is jealous with one or more of the others. In the book The Fractured Mind, there is such an occurance. Also it's in the book: The Minds of Billy Milligan. Sometimes an alter will inflict punnishment on the body by cutting or doing something else harmful.

For one thing, the alters have different agendas right from the start. One has the purpose of not being aware of abuse and remains relatively free that way, while the other bears the horrible memories and the pain. That can come to be a rather difficult impasse. But if you consider that they start out being separate and grow continually apart as they have different experiences, then you can see what a difficult situation that would be.

Allen / Puffer


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#374068 - 11/02/11 11:36 AM Re: Survivors: Inner Child Question [Re: pufferfish]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Allen,
I started reading "The Minds of Billy Milligan," but it seemed more a novel, rather than fact. Do you think it was factual?

My friend doesn't do any cutting or anything.

_________________________
Female.

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