Hi All,

I talked to my survivor friend over the weekend. I asked his alter how old he was. He's 12 and likes to act out.

Please tell me some techniques for helping an alter mature.

Pufferfish said to be kind and loving to him. Any other ideas, Please!!

Thank you,
D.

I think puffer hit the nail on the head. Theirs no way to force anyone into maturing faster than what theyre comfortable with. An alter, as with any person, should be respected, n treated well in order to gain theyre trust.

I'm not talking about "faster." I mean simply, "How?"

Oh. Forgive me.

That's a very tough question, but I would say as long as you're their for him, n a really great friend, things will come along naturally. Maybe ask him some of his interests, n integrate them into the interaction. Probably thought of that already, but maybe a spark. I hope it works out for the both of you. Have a great day.

Dear Disappointed

I can imagine how frustrating it would be for you to have a relationship with a 12-year-old. I wondered about that with my own wife a few years ago.

There are all kinds of related questions. Is the alter boy (not altar boy) the main alter? Or just one of them (probably). You have to find out what kind of memories he has in that alter. Does he contain the memories of trauma and abuse? (That was my case). Or is he perhaps the main one who didn't "remember" the abuse? Remember in the book about this (The Fractured Mind). Bobby in there was the "container" of the abuse.

If as I suspect the 12-y-o alter has all kinds of degraded memories of abuse, then they're going to be pretty heavy. And they're going to heavily mold his thinking and behavior. Maybe that's what he means by acting out. I would guess that the 12-y-o needs to talk to someone who has skill in that area (talking to an adult body who is really a child). You can do some of it but it will get very heavy. If you do, take notes, that is keep a journal of progressive revelations.

What helped me the most was EMDR. The EMDR sessions would begin with a present situation (possibly of what you're calling "acting out"). Then the EMDR will open up the childhood trauma and connect it with his adult self. That process may have to be repeated several different times. You need someone skilled in EMDR because it shouldn't be done by an amateur.

Allen

Dear Puffer,
I don't mind him being 12-years-old. He's very sweet, just like a child. What I mind is that he really just wants me to play his game.



I'm pretty sure he's got one "Apparently Normal Personality" (a term I got from a therapist's book on multiples) which is his main personality, and two behind-the-scenes alters. The ANP works hard to pretend there's no dark past, and stays busy to avoid thinking.




The alter I deal with definitely remembers trauma. Not sure about the rest. We haven't gone into detail. And I gave him my book.



He doesn't say "act out." I did. He wanted his alter to become beside himself with anxiety, which he did.

Are you saying, when his alter who contains the trauma memories discusses these memories, his behavior will begin changing and/or diminishing? Or will only the EMDR begin that?



He sees a therapist almost every week. I am hoping the therapist will start talking to the alters.



I've mentioned EMDR to him; he has kept his treatment decisions close to his chest.

And really, Allen, what started me on this posting, was the utter anxiety of his alter . I felt very badly for him, and it made me uneasy to hear him so miserable and undone.

D...

It all sounds kind of familiar. I went through a lot like that. It does get better. Little kids work for affection they need.

Allen

I see.

I've found that his child parts need safety, consistency, caring, and firm boundaries. For instance, when he is in 4-year-old boy mode, he is very very sensitive to my tone of voice and does best when I keep my voice quiet, calm and gentle. He also seems more secure and reassured when I set limits on his behavior. Even his pre-teen boy who is full of mischief seems to appreciate my telling him (in a caring and calm way) what is ok and what isn't -based on my boundaries, and based on what I believe is healthy and appropriate for a child his "age". I think it gives him a sense of safety that indulging him wouldn't necessarily give.
It used to feel a bit weird being a "parent figure" of sorts but now I realize that its simply part of being close with him, because his child parts are part of him. And I feel honored that he trusts me enough to show those sides.

I guess I would ask whether this game your friend plays is healthy for him at the mental age of 12. In this situation, you are the "adult" between the two of you, though he looks and sounds like a grown man, my guess is it's up to you to set healthy limits. Given his anxiety it sounds like it's having a negative effect on him, and it sounds like you feel uncomfortable and disturbed by it also. Is it possible to have a caring, gentle yet firm talk with him and explain that this game isn't ok and that you need to find something else to do together?