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#373305 - 10/25/11 07:52 AM Step 2?
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
If I can be patient and quiet, I think I will be truly awed and a little scared by this process.

Last night, my husband read Ken Singer's Characteristics Observed in Male Sexual Abuse Victims - out loud, to me. The conversation has not gotten to him but it certainly has gotten to the topic. THANK GOD for my reading and THANK GOD for everything you all have written because I managed to keep myself together - and just listen. I want to cry - but I don't know how my crying for his little boy will be received by him at this point.

I am praying that he calls one of the specialized therapists this week....


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#373316 - 10/25/11 10:10 AM Re: Step 2? [Re: Esposa]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
If he saw himself in what he read that will be a huge step...
This is good news!

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#373321 - 10/25/11 11:30 AM Re: Step 2? [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
That's exactly what I don't know - I was not going to point anything out - I see him in what he read, but that's unimportant. The only thing he said after was that his rage is almost uncontrollable to him.

We are supposed to go back to couples therapy tomorrow. In his rage last week, he swore never to return - but I am hopeful that he will come with me tomorrow.


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#373329 - 10/25/11 12:54 PM Re: Step 2? [Re: Esposa]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I have a fair amount of Anger and Rage myself. I am not only angry for my husband, but yours and every little boy who ever been hurt.

My husband said that his personal rage scares him. He said that he hasn't totally let it surface yet because he is scared. SO maybe the anger is a good thing, maybe he is letting it out. As long as he doesn't do anything harmful with his rage.

Good luck with therapy tomorrow and my experience is that this has been a roller coaster ride with good weeks and bad weeks. The bad weeks generally are not as bad as before and the good weeks keep getting better.

Every once in a while I feel sorry for myself and want my old life back but that's never going to happen and as eldee pointed out it wasn't real to begin with so I just take a deep breathe and one day at a time.


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#373331 - 10/25/11 01:28 PM Re: Step 2? [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
Oh Gretta - I hear you on the "wanting my old (fake)" life back... but I have gotten good at pulling myself out of that poor me thing that I started to do when our relationship started falling apart.

His rage comes out, but I am not sure he knows why so it would be great for him to be able to understand it. He is very afraid of it too and has told me that on occasion. Just last night he told me that he worries that he would be capable of killing someone if the perfect storm ocurred. Pretty scary stuff for someone to be dealing with.

Do you have rage against the person who was supposed to have protected your husband? I find myself often thinking about my mother-in-law and how abusive she herself was/is.


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#373337 - 10/25/11 03:00 PM Re: Step 2? [Re: Esposa]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Oh I am angry at pretty much everyone in my husbands life. His father and grandfather the most, his mom initially for not seeing it. However she has been good to my husband since he told her. She really did everything and more that she should have done. She believed him, took off her wedding ring, took down all his pictures. She validated him and that's was so important. She also feels a tremendous amount of guilt for missing it, so I am less angry with her than I was.

2 of my husband 3 sisters didn't believe him and boy was I angry at them. How dare they try and preserve the memory of a pedophile and throw my husband under the bus. But they weren't molested so they didn't want to believe him. I am a person that speaks my mind and I very respectfully told them they can either believe their father was a child molester or that their brother was lying. They can't believe their brother and still think their father was good person because he wasn't.

1 of the 2 non believing sisters has come around and I think the nonbeliever might have been molested herself so I am not pushing it. There are so many signs but my husband thinks that if she remembers she might kill herself. He doesn't think she can mentally handle it, many days are unbearable for him.

I have even been mad at him for not trusting me enough when these memories started coming to tell me. They started in 2003 and I didn't find out until January of this year. He cheated on me, lied to me and humiliated me beyond belief. He use to manipulate me like his perps us to do. I am a smart woman but he would make me feel like I was completely crazy because he was willing to go to the mat to lie to get away with whatever he wanted.

As he gets better I get better. For the first time in a long time there is light at the end of the tunnel. He seems to be handling the flashback and memories better they were coming fast and furious for a while and that was scary for both of us. I still think they come but he is able to handle them.

He is part of a MS survivor group. Their support and strength has been priceless. I wish you luck on this journey.


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#373338 - 10/25/11 03:12 PM Re: Step 2? [Re: Gretta]
Irisheyes Offline


Registered: 04/11/11
Posts: 10
Just read this thread and it's so relatable! I am angry at most of my fiance's family. When he was a boy he lived in a house with his parents his brother his grandmother his aunt and his uncle, who was his abuser. He hasn't told anyone yet or confronted his uncle or told the family but we still see everyone, and it is SO hard! I can't help but blame all of them, even just for paying so little attention to him that it occurred literally right under their noses!

I can also see the being mad at him, I have that too, for covering it up with lies and his actions which in turn caused me to feel so bad about myself and crush self esteem.

But I agree, it gets slowly better, some days feel like it's back to square one but the fact that you know and he talks to you about these feelings is a huge step and starts you on the path to healing. I know we have a very long way to go as we are just getting started, but I know with hard work and love we'll get there.

And this site has been a life savor, I can't say enough good things about the people here, it really is a God send!

_________________________
Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#373348 - 10/25/11 07:05 PM Re: Step 2? [Re: Irisheyes]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I also realize that for all the work that needs to be done to bring awareness to this issue, we've come so far. We (us on this board) know that EVERYONE is suspect, but probably 10 years ago, most people thought you only had to worry about people outside of your family (if they knew that!). For those of us with spouses abused by family members who lived with them, I can see how my mother in law could miss the signs. My heart grieves for her because I know how much she loved her only child, my husband. I don't doubt for one second that if she had an inkling of what was going on that there would have been hell to pay for the abusers.

But truthfully, who goes around looking at their husband or their sons (or daughters!) that are often to blame (other than us in the know)?

There are no excuses for the parents of brave souls who told and then weren't believed, but for most everyone else, I believe they did the best they could with what they knew.

I am not so sympathetic to my husband's abusers though. I just can't be. And Irish eyes it DOES suck to see these perps just living their pathetic lives, trying to make conversation with me when all I want to do is gouge his eyes out with whatever dull, rusty item I could quickly grab. My hands shook all day after running into one of them at a family gathering. He isn't even the primary. I'm dreading seeing the primary perp. Dreading it. May have to fake illness, dreading.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#373351 - 10/25/11 07:50 PM Re: Step 2? [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
I don't exactly know the people who abused my husband - there were several. But I do know that the primary abuser, if not sexually, of my husband was his mother, who not only knew, but didn't protect him (in fact EXPOSED HIM to these people) - she chose herself and her "men," not her little boy.

I never understood why I couldn't like her, it always felt fake to me, 18 years later. Now I know why, she disgusts me. Her aura disgusts me.

There.... there's my rage. Ain't it pretty?


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#373367 - 10/25/11 09:53 PM Re: Step 2? [Re: Esposa]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
My husband main perp is dead so I don't have to see him. Thank God! I give you credit because just his picture on a fridge makes me shake. I can not imagine having to see him face to face. That would require incredible self control so you should pat yourself on the back.


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#373369 - 10/25/11 09:56 PM Re: Step 2? [Re: Gretta]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I would seriously have a hard time controlling myself around my ex's perps...of ANY sort of abuse. Arggggghhhh.


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#373390 - 10/26/11 02:19 AM Re: Step 2? [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Esposa

I am really happy that he is reaching out, overjoyed. It is the beginning of the healing process, well the second step at least.

Don't forget one thing

Your husband doesn't want to be like this, he too wants to be better, our acting out is a form of reaching out, and looking for help, love and attention.
We to want to be well.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#373412 - 10/26/11 10:57 AM Re: Step 2? [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
Thank you Martin.

He is returning to couples therapy with me today, it's been a week since he told his story for the first time to me and to this therapist. I am so incredibly happy that he is coming. I can't put it into words.

Last night I told him that I knew he loved me and that I forgive him for some of the pain in the last couple of months, and that I wasn't going to let him go and he replied "Thank God." And I smiled and thought of you Martin, because I have read your posts and I have spent too much time feeling hurt by him in the past few months.


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#373414 - 10/26/11 11:55 AM Re: Step 2? [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Esposa

Your story, you and your husband, have brought a tear to my eye. God bless you both, love him, but don't let him give you any cr*&
Please keep us posted, you are both in our payers.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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