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#372775 - 10/18/11 11:37 PM Out of place among everyone
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
If I am gay, I feel as though I would have no one in that culture to be my friend either.mi would feel just as alone and isolated as I do in my dad, married two sons life. This can't be all that life is, just day by day, no friends, isolation from family, no desire or sexual passion for wife, trying to grow these two young men in the very same neighborhood and town I " grew up" in.
Lost my job, have a fantastic interview Thursday, wife just came down stairs and asked me what I had switched my screen from, I threw my I pad at her and told her to look, that she has no right to make me feel ashamed or guilty or less than I make myself feel, and she just got nastier and nastier, going up stairs and slamming door.
I want so much to understand what others have, passion, fun, looking forward to things, now I just exist, and I'm not too good at it. I'm having a terribly confused night, and I'm just so fucking tired of not finding a good therapist that will help me find the strength to acknowledge my truth. I saw a man today standing next to a truck, so hot, and my gut clenched, and my dick woke up from dormancy. God there has got to be someone to push me in finding what it is I am, want, love, need, and stand proud among and about it. Right now, Im alone as ive ever been. And so fucking sad, because men scare the shit out of me, i want to become them or control them or go nuts....i hate everything rightnow...45 and never hard cant be good? How do gay men meet, how do you know you are and someone else is? I mean the marriage thing is bit of a hiccup, but I'm ready to say, I need to see if this is who and what I am, I can't live a passionless, unloved life! I deserve, I think, that much

_________________________
I don't have one

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#372815 - 10/19/11 12:51 PM Re: Out of place among everyone [Re: Sailboat92]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2436
Loc: TEXAS
Hi my fraternal brother.

Oh! do i hear you loud and clear. I know & feel your pain.

I got married (got the lady pregnant), took my responsibility. We raised a family together two boys. She followed me where ever the Air Force sent us.

I was never meant to have been married in the first place. I was a gay boy/man.

I had never ever had any kind of attractions for females. Never had anything to do with girls, as a boy. But i had a sister three years younger. I couldn't tell you a thing about her.

My (separated) wife had given me 100% of herself for 35 years. Things between us were sort of distant. I have never shown her any kind of emotions. Never an emotional or mental connection between us, at least from me to her. She over the years always told my son, just why do i put up with your father? She knew there was something "different" about her man. But she kept it to herself.
When all hell broke loose when all this CSA stuff came to the surface. She was at the brunt of my anger, my hatred for females, my lack of an emotional connection to her.
She went to two T sessions with me in Germany. I just sat there and let her and my T talk it out. Boy did I ever get an earful. No emotions no love nothing from Pete.

But, when it came to his sons, he had tons of emotions. Always hugging, kissing them and telling them that he loves them. Those grandsons of ours, now (11& 12) every time since they were born when he sees them he gets down to their level and gives them a big hug, kiss and he tells them I love you. When they hurt he hurts. When they are sad he is sad. When they laugh he laughs. When they cry he will wipe their tears.

But, Herr doctor, he had nothing for me, hardly ever telling me that he loved me. Hardly ever talking to me. Never showing me any emotions when I was dying from cancer and had two operations. No tears, no hug, no sorrow, no emotions for me. None-zero.

But, I did tell him when he told me that he was leaving me and going back to America to deal with his child abuse. I said to him "So you want to leave me and go marry a man." She had seen something in me that I had kept hidden just under the conscious level.
I was in the military and there is no way that i would ever give anyone cause to suspect that I was gay. I buried my true emotions & feelings. I played their game when it came that we were away from our home duty station. I ran the bars & whorehouses with them. I went with the girls in their room, and told them all they have to do for me, is just sit there, don't touch me, when the time is up then I'll leave. I played the game for 23 years.

So now here I am a gay 72 year old lonely, extremely shy man with no social skills. I have joined a Gay/Lesbian community where I am learning to release some of my shyness and isolation. Shedding some of my fears. In hopes of finding a partner. Every one there has a partner. Except me.

I too am looking for someone to share my love with. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I want to be loved, held, caressed, kissed and be told I love you. And be able to share in return. The sexual part of it too.I also suffer from ED have for years. I think my best chance is with this group. But extreme shyness, and being a recovering alcoholic (33) years sober, makes it very difficult for me to perhaps go to a gay bar and look for someone. I am not really interested in a one nights stand. I am interested in a life long commitment. I have thought about putting an ad in a gay magazine, but shyness still reigns supreme.

I just let go of my lover of 72 years, he was my abuser. I kept him in my mind, heart & soul emotionally for all my life.
It was always him and me in all sexual things that I have done in my life.

But, i feel that the rest of my life will be me and young Pete, that boy of so long ago, who I am just beginning to understand and love. We have been together for a shade over three years. On our way to eternity forever.

My brother, Sailboat92, I hope and pray that we both find that person who we have a desire to share the rest of our emotional, mental, physical & sexual life with.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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