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#372952 - 10/20/11 09:12 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: whome]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: whome
Hi Indygal (This reply is written in love and support not anger)

I am sorry that you need to be here.

You have done one thing wrong here. You have already made up your mind that your son was abused. You have only suspicions and no proof whatsoever. If you ask him this he might think your are crazy.


I appreciate your thoughts and input - and I'm also sorry for your own hurt and pain.

it's unfortunate that you believe what you do - that it is always possible to protect a child - but unfortunately, that simply isn't the case, as stated in my prior post. life simply isn't that easy. It never has been and never will be.

thank you again for your post.

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#372957 - 10/20/11 09:20 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: indygal]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6816
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: indygal
Puffer, with all due respect could it be you're projecting just a wee bit??


Absolutely!!!

Puffer


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#372961 - 10/20/11 09:34 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: cris40ky]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: cris40ky
20yrs is a long, long time. I could only guess why he's acted the way he has.

But this is a start. He's reaching out now. The only advice I can give is to honor his step for what it is. He's trying. For whatever reason, this is very hard for him to do. And he may not do it again if he withdraws this time.

Try to meet him where he is.



I appreciate your words very much - you're pretty much on target, in fact, as I mailed off my reply last nite and in summary, the first statement was praising his courage for contacting me and acknowledging that he was no longer alone (or something to that effect). further along I also added that no matter what had happened to bring him so much despair and sadness, it was never, ever his fault.

again, thank you for your post and good luck in your own healing journey.

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#372962 - 10/20/11 09:35 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: pufferfish]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Originally Posted By: indygal
Puffer, with all due respect could it be you're projecting just a wee bit??


Absolutely!!!

Puffer




and thank you for making me smile - I needed it!

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#372963 - 10/20/11 09:43 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: Castle]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: Castle
All I read is I,I,I,I, me me me me.

Im sure there is a forum for you to work out your guilt and such, as it seems to me.

And even if YOU made good with your past, maybe HE hasn't.

Who is this about?...In that time when you were in abbusive relationships and thereafter, you did things to work out your issues...Where was your son feelings? how the abussive relationship(s) effected him?

And seemingly from your story, you never did protect him, and maybe he does blame you...but I can see your defensiveness in your writing and that if you bring this attitude into this, you may never get "back' your son, if you even want to.

" I feel manipulated and used. He's abandoned me for so many years."...who's the parent and who's the child? and if he put the boundries that he would like to start by written response and its not the way you want to control it tells me soooooo much...maybe HE needs it his way for a change.

BTW, I've sparred with many here and dont care what you say about me or my thoughts...If your coming here with thoughts be prepared for the tough responses.

Men dont just cut out their MOms for no reason, if you believe that your in a fantasy land.



Castle,

your fiesty spirit is a very good sign of strength and a willingness to face the battles ahead. I wish you all the best in your healing journey and feel good just knowing another survivor is refusing to be a victim.

even if you are way off base - as of course, you are - your struggle to make sense of the world, come what may, is very brave.

it will get better, my friend, it will. take care.

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#372967 - 10/20/11 09:59 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: indygal]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Indygal is right about us not being able to protect our kids in every circumstances. I've read in this board scout abuse from mothers, fathers, siblings, cousins, neighbors, band directors, coaches. And every iteration in between. I was sick for weeks when I first got on this board because I was cursed w the knowledge that I don't really know anyone's heart and what evil lurks there. I trust no one now. I'm empowering my kids (your privates are private-no one touches or sees them and you don't touch or see anyone else's) but ultimately if I want them to become well adjusted adults one day, I have to let them see and experience some of it without me. And every time I do that, I'm taking a risk. I do what I can. I attend everything, I'm attentive to my kids, but kids are easily manipulated and I go to work and I go to the store and they love soccer and Sunday school class so I take a big breath, pray and send them to what they love and I do what i need to do.

Are there sucky moms whose kids get abused? Sure.
But there are also great moms who didn't know that the extra attention the kid they loved most was getting from the respected adult from the family or community was laced w malicious intentions. Most moms do the best they can.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#372970 - 10/20/11 10:24 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: GoodHope]
hannah7 Offline


Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 30
I must agree with eldee and Indygal that in even the best of families, kids can get sexually abused. My parents were great. I can't blame them for what my cousin did to me. When my father found out he beat the crap out of him.

Vengence was my Dad's.

My best friend works with crime abuse victims. Her son was raped. When she found out it not only came to a stop, but resulted in court and a 'near' conviction. This is terribly sick, but it was many years ago and thank God our country is changing some on the convictions score.

I personally know of many families who are doing 'all the right' things, but still 'it' happens to one child or another. With more families having to have both parents work just to keep the roof over their head, I think we are in more danger than ever with kids left alone to fend for themselves.

It isn't good at all, but it is a fact. Sometimes, as in my case, my family was too trusting, thinking everyone was 'normal.' In today's world, we know we should not trust even the priest for crying out loud! Not the nice girl next door, or the great coach everyone loves. How sick and sad. How do you deal with this? I believe in the best of circumstances it can happen.

God help us and keep our children safe.

_________________________
And again and again Jesus said: It is I, I that you love, I that you enjoy, I that you serve. It is I that you long for, I that you desire, I that you mean. It is I that am enough for you. (Julian of Norwich)

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#372979 - 10/20/11 11:38 PM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: indygal]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6816
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: indygal
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Originally Posted By: indygal
Puffer, with all due respect could it be you're projecting just a wee bit??


Absolutely!!!

Puffer




You're welcome smile

Puffer (puffing again)


and thank you for making me smile - I needed it!



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#373105 - 10/22/11 10:32 AM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: indygal]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Indy Gal,

I would not ask him about anything that you may suspect or even know. He will talk to you about it when HE IS READY, if he decides to even ever open up or or only partially does so. The only person who knows my whole story is my doctor; others know only in general terms and still others don't even suspect (at least as far as I know) that I've been abused.

Remember to never try to force him into anything or go against any of his conditions such as ""Do not tell anybody about this," "Do not tell anybody about this without asking me for permission," "this will be how we communicate" etc. Then accept his answer with a "No problem" or something similiar. If you break his confidence, this will be seen for what it is - a betrayal of the trust he placed in you. He may then go the rest of his life then without even attempting to contact you and rightfully so. You will have badly hurt him and we do NOT want hurt again ever. We've been hurt enough already.

Just tell him that whatever happened, is past and can't be undone but whatever went wrong, you are behind him and willing to help in any way you can. Then, it is vital that you do more than this - you have to open up to each other to have a dialogue so that the past can be discussed and you learn to trust each other.

Good luck to both of you

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#373297 - 10/25/11 01:58 AM Re: maybe my son is a male survivor [Re: Sailor John]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Sailor John,

thank you again for your kind words; I will take them all to heart.

right now it's time to wait as I only responded by mail the other day.

however, there is something you, as a survivor, and to all survivors reading this who might be in a similar situation need to understand, especially considering the length of time we've been estranged from each other.

this estrangement has involved not just me but virtually everyone in his life that he knew growing up. this continued to people I met afterwards in my more recent past, and may have developed a close relationship with. that is, close friends I have now do know of this estrangement even tho they've never met my son.

there have been many conversations between me and very concerned, loving individuals who felt the pain of this estrangment very deeply, if not as deeply, as I, being the mother, felt. there have been many, many conversations as to what possibly could have been the reason for all this.

in the past few years as csa, especially towards boys, has come to light, this has been discussed among my closest friends, some of who are survivors themselves (both men and women). it has been a consensus that this is most likely the issue due to many reasons, much of what has not been discussed here for various reasons.

while I may not bring it up myself, depending on how the conversation goes, again, if you are a survivor and see yourself in this situation, it is incorrect for you to believe that no one could possibly know what this is about. that is, there is simply more knowledge and awareness available now (thank goodness!) and while there is still a very long way to go, male survivors should not automatically assume that no one knows anything until the survivor states as much.

that is, if and when any survivor decides to disclose (not just my son), it may very well be only a confirmation and perhaps an identification of the perp. it could very well be that this has been suspected for some time but no one dared say as much.

I'm trying to state this as gently as I possibly can, so I hope my words are appreciated. This in no way is meant to violate anyone's privacy whatsoever; it's simply a fact of life that as we grow as a society, we learn more about ourselves, and each other, both good and bad. We learn how to help each other by supporting one another during difficult times.

You can be assured I won't bring this up on my own, that's reasonable enough to assume. I only hope and pray he will find the strength and courage to continue this journey and that I can support him in whatever way possible.

thank you again for posting. I appreciate it very much and wish you well in your own healing journey.

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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