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#372675 - 10/17/11 08:25 PM Standing up for myself
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 226
Loc: California
I have been so bad at standing up for myself lately, especially at work. I just tend to get railroaded all the time, and don't set any boundaries. Of course, this just makes me feel worse and starts that self-doubt, self-hating cycle.

Any good advice for getting back in control of this cycle?

_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#372701 - 10/18/11 01:42 AM Re: Standing up for myself [Re: toddop]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Toddop

You need to start focusing on your strengths. You are not confident and therefore let people walk all over you. Start the morning out with your good points.
Do a POSITIVE journal, even ask friends and family what they see as your positive traits. Write these in the journal, and read them every day.
Do a list of JUST FOR TODAY'S. write down that eg. Just for today, I will be positive about my abilities at work.
Or Just for today, I will stand up for myself when I know I am right.
Stick to what you have set out to do and slowly slowly you will build yourself up again.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#372711 - 10/18/11 02:08 AM Re: Standing up for myself [Re: toddop]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 953
Loc: southern California
It's a hard thing to assert boundaries. I'm learning that it is true, that no one will respect you if you don't respect yourself. Bullies don't exist only at schoolyards. Take a second and Google "workplace bullying." It's amazing.
I have a co-worker who routinely lambasts and demeans people. She brings her personal control issues to work and demeans everyone in the workplace, making it perfectly clear that she respects no one and has little regard for anyone.
I have spoken with her about this in the past, and she continues to do it, being ruder with each occurrence. Each time I am firmer about my boundaries. I've always been really good at controlling my temper, and it is very very rare for me to reach the end of my patience. But when I'm done, I'm done.

She decided to corner me and dress me down yesterday at work because she didn't like a decision I'd made. I was firm with her regarding her behavior and I restated my boundaries. After the confrontation I don't know why I was embarrassed that I had let someone know exactly what I was thinking and that I stood up for myself, especially since it was a woman who, I am quite certain, is already planning to retaliate and challenge my boundaries again.
This morning I reflected on the conversation and realized that, because I did nothing more than point out that her behavior was unacceptable and I set boundaries, I had no reason to be embarrassed. Maybe I'm learning something.....finally.
Maybe there's something here that may be of help or encouragement.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#372851 - 10/19/11 08:20 PM Re: Standing up for myself [Re: WriterKeith]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 226
Loc: California
Thanks to both of you for your responses. I think it is a confidence and boundary issues. It really helps to hear you both talk about it in a way that I can identify.

Whome, thanks for the ideas about starting the day out positively. I do feel like sometimes I walk into the situation expecting to be put upon or given other people's work. I'm going to try this.

Keith, I am very similar at work. I am always calm and try not to argue too much. I really need to state my boundaries out loud to others. I think them, but don't say them. Maybe I will try speaking then out loud to myself so I can get comfortable.

I similarly do not tolerate abusive behavior. That is one thing I will stand my ground on. I just tend to take on the work of other people or my boss gives tons of work to me because he knows I will do it. That is where I need to focus on.

Thanks again, guys.

Todd

_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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