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#373543 - 10/27/11 04:52 PM Re: Defensive.....I get the pattern, how do I stop it? [Re: unhappycamper]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
Hey man,
Im gonna lay it as I understand it. Since I did the same with my wife for most our marriage until I started dealing with my shit.
We can be very passive stressed, selfabsorbed, in other words we behave like kids. We see only from our perspective and hate to be put on the spot. So we yell or walk away. Our wives press on with the issues until they get something out of us. Better to be fighting than to be ignored.
So, the best policy is honesty, don't bottle it up.
Ps. In case you don't know this yet, even under the best circumstances, you will never win an argument with a woman.
Be real, express how you feel as you go along, she will appreciate it.
Cheers man

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#373545 - 10/27/11 04:55 PM Re: Defensive.....I get the pattern, how do I stop it? [Re: Regs]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Wow, what a lucky day. Regs reappears, with some great wisdom.

Where's the like button in this joint.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#374036 - 11/02/11 01:00 AM Re: Defensive.....I get the pattern, how do I stop it? [Re: gjonbos]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Regs stuff makes logical sense BUT One thing nobody has said yet is this: apologize to your fiance for being defensive (and reveal your past if you haven't) and say, I will work on it and then do it. Just because you are survivor doesn't mean you get to abuse others. Don't be a lousy husband, and certainly not a lousy father, just because you're a survivor. She's entitled to better and might decide to go find it if you can't be a man so to speak. If your fiance has been broken down to quit trying as you said, are you ready for marriage? We shouldn't abuse others just because we were. Sit down together and solve the problem. Take a hit to pride when you're wrong. Love hurts I've read. No idea what love is but that's what they say. When I've been defensive in the past with someone, I've apologized. To be quite honest, I wouldn't put up with me either. Sorry if this ticks anyone off but it's the truth, and we know it deep down.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#374059 - 11/02/11 10:26 AM Re: Defensive.....I get the pattern, how do I stop it? [Re: phoenix321]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Hmmmm....and....Grrrrr.

Im gonna breathe first, before I respond fully, but I am gonna immediatly ask about this quote "She's entitled to better and might decide to go find it if you can't be a man so to speak."

What does "can't be a man so to speak mean"?

I think this is a horrible thing to say to a survivor regardless of your "sorry if it ticks you off" balogna. You certainly are not talking about a truth I know deep down inside. and honestly I think some of the ways you pose stuff, in your post, is just off base and as non-supportive to somebody whom is actively working on their issues.

Im not sorry for my words, nor if I ticked you off.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#374143 - 11/03/11 09:51 AM Re: Defensive.....I get the pattern, how do I stop it? [Re: unhappycamper]
gjonbos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 48
Loc: MA
Thanks for all the posts.....always a gift to hear from you guys. I wrote that on a particularly bad day, where I was especially defensive and not allowing her to express anything. I have been trying to catch these patterns before they come up, although I am not always good at that. I've found that she has changed her tactic slightly in the last few weeks, so that if she does sense me heading in that "defensive" direction, she gives me space to think about what we are discussing. This has been helpful because I think it allows me to stop, breathe and really put things into perspective before I "fly off the handle" so to speak. With that said, I don't want this to be our perfect solution. It leaves her still always responsible for making sure that we get through our tougher times....and makes me feel like I, once again, am being overly dependent on her to make things better.

KB - We started this recovery together (my fiance found this site first) and so far I think we've found a good balance that works for us. She allows me as much space as I need, and I am open as much as I can be with her. But I can see where it might add more stress to the process.

Castle - I think your spot on in terms of the frustration not even coming from the person we are being defensive with. It happens when I interact with anyone like this....so I think it's something that's been fermenting deep inside me for a long long time. I like the notion of us being a force.....that's an exciting goal.

Regs - thank you....I am working with a great therapist and I've removed the shell I've been living under - so I am slowly breaking out of the isolation, and the good feelings I get in doing that, greatly outweigh the fear in doing it - so I will continue on this path. I also took a moment this past weekend to really put more of my story out there...as you said - shining a light on that darkness. I still feel a little exposed...but I also sense the power in it as well.

Thank you to all of you....even just knowing that you have the same struggles makes me feel much better (not that your struggling - I sure wish you weren't - but....you know what I mean)

Gabe

_________________________
"Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook"

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#374147 - 11/03/11 10:28 AM Re: Defensive.....I get the pattern, how do I stop it? [Re: gjonbos]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
"Progress, not perfection"

Stuart Smalley

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#375326 - 11/14/11 09:50 PM Re: Defensive.....I get the pattern, how do I stop it? [Re: phoenix321]
gjonbos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 48
Loc: MA
Phoenix,

My past has been revealed to her....and I do apologize every single time. Most certainly my ultimate goal is to not be a lousy father or husband as you say, and truly my motivation for coming to this place was to begin recovery, not only for myself but for her and our future family. I will never use the CSA and all of the other emotional and verbal abuse I endured as a crutch through life. I haven't up to this point, and I assure you I never will. I'm not looking to justify all of the bad parts of me.....just trying to make them better.

_________________________
"Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook"

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