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#363363 - 05/31/11 06:56 PM Re: Who am I? What am I? [Re: dbrannem]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 464
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
I always wanted a relationship with a man! A Bond! (friendship type). But no penis.
I always wanted my own peins. ( very very small. traumatic 4 me.) I cannot not tell you how I , to thank YOU, dbrannem-for sharing and telling me and others that your ultimate fantasy is to make a relationship in which a bond with another guy!!!
Allllllll my life , all I wanted was a friend! A MALE Friend,
NOT Female, But Males!!!
I was abused so frighteningly that I couldn`t that I couldn`t leave my dad. ( Only he wasn`t my REAL dad.) ( all my life I was frightened of horror movies ,and sex and any words that had to do with killing people or words of sexually abusing kids and stuff.) Sorry I hope this is not to heavy for people!

this female ( bully, there was more than one)dad was evil..they would frighten me sooo much id didnt if I was a guy... A guy? What about being a boy? I could not get tis. My boy stuff is Done! It was Insane aat as early as one month old and even as early as in my mom`s womb. Nobody wanted me to be a boy. This is sad an ddisgusting. How do i ever forgive these monsters? I dont wish any good from them . They are like I wish they die, and painfully!I keep believing and thinking that I will have a girlfriend one day! I should deserve it. My real dad is a freak as well. I dont know what he was thinking to bring over to the scary family forever I dont want to listen to them. I developed shizoaffective disorder. Maybe on some demented level / some good came from this. Such as`spilling it on here I was a stupid kid. I never had no home. Even now I am terrified who is near me. I need friends , yet who, do I allow in , near me to sit an dlisten? I cant`tell this to everyone.. Do I go to a support group?
I just want to thank You dbrannem for sharing this. I never knew all is wanted I wanted to be ME and to feel safe to feel my feelings orf RAGE. ( I have some good ideas in helping me and others in releasing felings of stress/anxiety. )It means soooooo much. I flet soo alone , with this!I am talking about ..this fantasy clicking with a guy on an emotional level and not sexual. ( is okay if you need this. no rules if consenting between two adults-just pointing out my opinion).
I never wanted a penis. OTHER THAN MY OWN.!(I am not shouting I just enjoy using caps. at times)I , again just wanted my own penins. It never grew. Not even an inch,mm if you are outside the U.S. It is very scaryI was scared of leaving my dad`s scary family and would , leave his family and go to prison. Worse they scared me to believe I waqs the perpretrator and that I was frightening them! MY GOD! Where do these guys/freaks/animals come from?I wish I could kill them! I thought I would help children. , Maybee!, Maybe years and years down the road For now I can slow down, Finally!!!I cannot thank you enough dbrannem, and everyone at Malesurvivor.
I am not a man my dad`s brother would say. I HATE HIM! WHAT A AN ASSHOLE ( excuse my vulgarITY).I still need to feel my scary feelingsAlso my phobia to pedophiles.,and my feelings of anxiousessthat I will kill Them.. and my biologicial dad. Freaks!!! I hate them. I would love to meet you guys at MS. But it would probably make me I dont know feel I am sttill unaccepted. I dont know ME A 100 percent , yet. So I like me now, better than , well a year ago. also to forgive myself. Exhale. I wish I had a friend I could talk to , regarding this , stuff.I do but he wasn`t abused like this ( good for him). So I have to respcect this. Goddbye for now guys and Thanks to Fissy Tickens who o^pened this topic or forum. I love you guys soooooo much .. I can`t tell you how much, I do! I don`t care, or at least I am chancing on making you guys feel a little , uncomforable with me ,, whopps ,...- that I am too feely and clingy on expressing mysel openly. Thankyou all. I love you.

#363611 - 06/04/11 06:10 PM Re: Who am I? What am I? [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 464
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
I dont want to know if you like me... bu t my name is goran

#363622 - 06/04/11 11:42 PM Re: Who am I? What am I? [Re: Sterling]
Fissy Tsickens Offline

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, Goran.

Please see PM.



Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

#363688 - 06/06/11 12:06 PM Re: Who am I? What am I? [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 464
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Ah Man I think I pm`D you back. I am not good at computers.

I didnt mean any thing I just wanted to open a topic where I
could talk to myself. I didnt want everything veiwed.
I just wanted to come out and say " THAT I AM NOT GAY"!
I just want to be my own best-friend. I dont trust easy and
never had friends growing up.
Anyway thanks for writing and anyone else for reading, everything .

#366604 - 07/26/11 10:24 AM Re: Who am I? What am I? [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
tarheel Offline

Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 13
Are u OK? You've described my situation with my family and my hopes and dreams to be what they need. I, too, live in Deliverance country...North Georgia. I don't have a therapist right now, but the anxiety about fantasies and concerns about keeping my family dog me constantly. The guilt after I give in and fantasize is sickening.

Are you coping OK? Do you have any advice?

#372558 - 10/16/11 02:14 PM Re: Who am I? What am I? [Re: Dewey]
Sailboat92 Offline

Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
What an incredibly thoughtful and inspiring post Dewey. I continue to be surprised, not sure why I still am? At the posts that are written as if someone took pen to my thoughts, feelings, perceptions and wrote them down down for me to discover one at a time. This is an amazing site. I was so hesitant, and suppose still am, but I find its the one and only place I check regularly
I am, well, I don't know how I am, so I'll leave it at that right Now.
Thanks men!

I don't have one

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