I chose Incognito because there's a side to me that has been hidden from the world and is now slowly making its way out.

My user name is an animal totem that came to me during a powerful men's training weekend over three years ago.

(My nickname at home is also a four letter animal starting with BU- hence my avatar - only the name Bull relates to my zodiac sign and personality traits of being defiant, strong, knocking things over, stepping on toes, and snorting when little things don't go my way.)

But the name "Buck" rings more true for me on this powerful path of recovery.

This realization was part of 40+ intense hours in April 2008: learning to connect to my strength, to my mission and to my spirit. This animal was with me as I faced my fears, my weakness, and my shame. The "Mountainous" part resonated with me after I did this work, so I added it to my animal name.

"Mountainous" reminds me that I shall not hide or disappear, that I CAN withstand the shocks and trials of this life, and that my strength is deeply grounded. It connects me to the mountains I often visited in my youth: where I played, tested myself, excelled outdoors, and found freedom and solitude. It was during one of these trips to the mountains when, struggling with my life, my drunken despair, and my future, I made the decision to humble myself and choose the path to sobriety.

The Buck is part of God's creation-so am I.

The Buck is strong, and stays strong by seeking what nourishes him. The Buck is alert, protects his herd, and knows how to fight for what is his.

Here is what some spiritual people say about the buck:

I love reading all the explanations for the names and avatars you all have chosen.

Here's mine:

My user name is "traveler" because that describes me well - never content to settle in too deeply anywhere. I've lived at over 25 addresses on four continents and have visited more than 30 countries. This is all probably part of either searching for something or trying to escape something - or both.

Obviously, I am on a metaphorical journey as well - or maybe a spiritual and emotional quest - traveling from a place of darkness and pain in hopes of finding a place of inner peace and healing.

My avatar is a detail from “The Sacrifice of Isaac” by the Italian renaissance artist, Caravaggio, painted in 1603. (BTW- he was a troubled soul - I would guess he had experienced his own set of traumas!) It shows the split second when an angel intervenes to save Isaac, who is about to be sacrificed by his father, Abraham. But Isaac does not yet know what his fate will be. He is still expeccting the knife to fall. He cannot see the angel above and behind him restraining his father's hand. This picture resonates with me because of several reasons: the victim’s fear, the attacker’s power, the religious context - that part is really complicated! It sort of captures the way I feel - ultimately a survivor - because we know the end of the Isaac story - but not yet experiencing the full freedom of what is to come - still pinned to the altar, still feeling the terror, still anticipating the ultimate pain... Hoping for an angel to intervene!

Regards,
Lee

I am amazed at what I have learned so far - how paradoxical that assumed identities would reveal more about who we really are than our "real" ones...

Names are either contractions of actual ones like Sasuva or symbolic of new found attitudes such as Mountainous Buck.

Avatar images consist of old images of ourselves, artwork we have created such as String Attached, or art of others that means something to us.

It's a wonderful thread and I have read each and every one with great interest.

Most recently, I now understand why Mountainous Buck uses a BULL as an avatar. I was always curious of traveler's avatar, and had an "of course!" moment when he mentioned Caravaggio (I saw an exhibit of his in Rome two years ago).

Keep up the good work!

edited for safety until forum is safe

Andrew,

This is an excellent topic for a thread and I have been wondering about some of the avatars and user names until I found this thread.

My avatar is a picture of me when I was 10 years old. My abuse started at age 12, so I wanted a pic of me before my innocence was stolen, although my childhood was never happy. (Notice that I am not smiling.) I was going to use a pic of me when I was 11, but that is the age I turned into a geek, so I didn't want to use that. BTW, I am not a geek anymore!

My user name is more of a wishful thinking name. I have survived undefeated thus far, but I still have doubts about if/how I will make it in the future, so it's an optimistic user name too.

Glad i'm not the only one who'd been curious about the story behind "Fissy Tsickens"- and now i've got a new surreal image that will pop in my head whenever i read his posts

"dgoods" is short for "damaged goods", which was the shortest way to describe how i'd felt for years- and it was so important to me, such a relief, to NOT feel like i had to put on the old costume of "nothing's wrong" that while it might seem like a negative username, it's a positive reminder to me. To paraphrase Mr. Rogers, "I like me just the way i am"..

The avatar is a still from the movie "Blade Runner"- i could write pages about the movie's (and book's) themes, characters, symbolism, and the relevance it all has for me- but i'm not going to subject anyone to all that. If you've seen the movie, you probably have an idea already. If you haven't, well- rent it already, it's a great movie!

I had glasses like that too and I hated them. I used the photo that was the year before I wore them in the school photo. Maybe someday I will get brave and change my avatar to that pic. Your pic looks great in comparison to my 11 year old pic.

Just changed my avatar - So I thought i owed an explanation...

Also i'd like this thread to resurface because others may want to intoduce themselves in a little more detail this way - I think the explanations are fascinating!

Here's an intro to the "new ME"

My new avatar is also a Caravaggio painting – David with the Head of Goliath, 1608. Recently I’ve been feeling like I’ve made some progress and don’t want to identify as much with the victim status of my old avatar, Isaac being sacrifice.

David – still little more than a boy, but a strong and confident boy – strides forward purposefully, soberly aware of the magnitude and significance of his recent actions – and displaying the evidence of his triumph – the ugly head of Goliath. David is not only a SURVIVOR of his battle - but a VICTOR! He has slain the evil and destructive giant that mocked him, belittled him, and sought to kill him and enslave him and his people. Though smaller, out-classed in weaponry, and physically weaker, through his faith and a seemingly hopeless effort, David has WON - and in the process has become a MAN and has been recognized as a HERO.

The giant to me symbolizes not the individual abusers – but the power and control they and their actions had over my life for so many years. I am in the process of defeating and destroying and KILLING that oppression and expelling its effects from my mind, emotions and body.

“Caravaggio painted three versions of David (and Goliath), all centered around the theme of *transformative justice*; that is, the way in which the defeat of Goliath affected David. David is inextricably attached to and defined by Goliath. Caravaggio’s "David and Goliaths" represent the underlying action that made David great: the defeat of the profane giant …" (caravaggista.com)

I’m not there yet, but with faith, hope, hard work and perseverance, I will be some day. And some day, I’ll no longer be “inextricably attached to and defined by” my history and battles with the giant. That will only be one of many details that made me who I am.

Hopefully,
Lee

Me too!