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#372583 - 10/16/11 06:52 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: GoodHope]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
ha!...don't we all.

i'm not sure about God's plan for me being in this...either as a lesson about making sure to put my own mask on first before assisting others on that flight to Lord knows where (pun intended)...or that maybe my calling was to have been a therapist instead...

but i'm still with you...even when the lies and cheating are because of the CSA and not because they are heartless jerks (and we wouldn't love them so much if they were)...i really am unable to tolerate the deep, deep, deep (did i say deep?) deception either.


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#372584 - 10/16/11 06:56 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: lovingBen]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59

I read your post and I am so sorry your hurting. Eldee's advice is stellar. I was in love with a survivor and stayed longer than I should have (romantically). We now are friends but it took time and distance from one another to get here.

Certainly if you had children, financial obligations, etc., it would make it more difficult to leave. I think the key in most situations where the live-in partner/spouse stays is if the significant other is active in recovery. And he has a commitment to be honest and faithful.

I was in a situation similar to yours. I was in love with a man who hadn't a clue to who he was or what he wanted. He had other women off and on during our years together that I would find out about later (and some I am sure I never did find out about). And although I'm not certain whether he was confused about his sexual orientation, he did start to send me text pictures of...... excuse the crude terminology/and or my ignorance..... 'chics with dicks'.

I understand how hard it is to let go of someone you love. I found that I was in love with a man who didn't really exist. My ex studied me. He became what he thought I needed in order to be loved by me. He did that for everyone in his life, for almost all of his life. I know he cared for me but until he found out who he was, he couldn't love himself... before a couple years of therapy, he could never love me or even honor a real honest to God friendship with me. I don't think that your Ben wants to hurt you but for now it sounds to me he will.

Sometimes you just have to make a choice and stick to it and I feel your choice should be to get out.... at least for now. Until you do, you will keep getting hurt.

Love,
Julia


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#372586 - 10/16/11 07:39 PM Re: rally to stay, or rally to go?? [Re: Julia]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
Hi Julia--

thanks for your thoughtful reply.

i have been processing since monday...and this site has been such a godsend....helping me think things through quicker and healthier.

you brought perspective about us being friends later...all this happening now is my sign to go while i can still find love and happiness, but know why, and maybe be there later in a different way after i have healed.

"I was in love with a man who didn't really exist. He studied me. He became what he thought I needed in order to be loved by me. He did that for everyone in his life, for almost all of his life. I know he cared for me but until he found out who he was, he couldn't love himself..."

ME TOO!

thank you, and thank you for staying here for those of us trailing behind you :-)


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